tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51504146398947442432024-03-13T07:22:05.853-06:00The Dinkel FamilyTristen, AJ, Sophia, Blake & OliviaTristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.comBlogger89125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-12947192699261231202017-01-25T15:40:00.001-07:002017-01-25T15:47:08.573-07:00yearly postwell i couldn't even remember the password... you know its been awhile.<br />
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anyway. tomorrow we celebrate Sophia's 6th year. I sometimes struggle with saying birthday, as i feel like i am more celebrating her everything that day. her birth, her death, her first kisses, her last kisses... <br />
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anyway. it has been so long, yet i still remember her smell and her tiny tiny little... everything. last night i found myself running my hands over the imprints we have of her feet. just letting myself remember and dream about her cute little feet. wishing i could kiss those toes one more time.<br />
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i have been watching call the midwife lately and been thinking about our birth with Sophia. my heart breaks for the women (this show is set in the 1940's/1950's) who lost children after birth and didn't get the blessing we got... pictures. how hard that must have been to not have anything to remember them by. my heart would hurt so bad. i keep replaying something they said the other day- "well you just need to keep living, until you feel alive again". such a true statement when you survive any kind of loss...<br />
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lately i keep getting asked- "so are you having any more kids?" to which i promptly answer "no!"... which then is always followed by- "oh so you are stopping at two"... and my heart answers... "actually i am stopping at 3". my mouth answers- "yep those two keep me pretty busy"... it is my easy way to bypass the fact i have a 3rd that i don't get to raise. that third that is unspoken was a game changer. i just don't have it in my heart or body to try for more babies- although we love love love babies.<br />
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it is crazy to think how much life has changed in these past 6 years. how much we have grown both ourselves and in our marriage. i love our life, but you always feel you are missing a little something when your arms no longer hold your child. my heart aches for just a few more minutes with her. just a few more kisses. but i think every mother wants a little more than we get. just a few more minutes before they are grown.<br />
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well my sweet Sophia Rose. we miss you. like lots and lots. tomorrow we will bring a cupcake for you up to your spot in the mountains and we will sing and read to you. we will take time to just be a little sad for a day (thank goodness for time healing) and then we will continue to carry you with us, as we have every day for the last 6 years.<br />
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<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-11423821257182738002015-10-16T10:05:00.000-06:002015-10-16T13:13:33.671-06:00heart still acheslast week I was watching Grey's Anatomy, which surprisingly has always been a show that does so well portraying the loss of a baby. this last week- they had a mom with twins (spoiler alert) who had only one that was going to live. after the doctor does his best to try to save the other twin - and sees that it isn't going to live, he picks it up off the operating table and holds the sweet baby until he dies. I don't know that doctors can or do this- but the mommy who lost a baby likes to think that they do. because we need that. we need to know that our babies lives matter and are real.<br />
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it immediately reminded me of the morning after Sophia was born. the hardest moment of my life has been that moment that I handed my baby over to the nurse to take her away. I had to hand over this sweet baby whose life had been entrusted to me for 37 weeks. who was alive and kicking right through her birth. who I had planned on loving no matter what, but that was taken from us. she was our sweet girl! I gave her one last kiss and hard look trying to memorize every little bit of her... from the curls on her head to her cute little toes. but I can't tell you how thankful I was to not have to put my baby on some cart to be wheeled off... I got to hand my baby over to a nurse to hold and to simply carry her off wrapped up in her blanket and smelling like the freshly washed newborn that she was. who I hoped smiled at her and loved her all the way to her destination in the hospital. i hope that all the people who came in contact with her through the hospital, through the morgue/autopsy, through the funeral home- all took special care of her and loved on her just a tiny bit. i hope they all acknowledged her sweet life and carried her with them in their hearts just a little while- and maybe went home and hugged their full of life children so much harder that night. <br />
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i'm a hot crying mess today because someone very dear to me is going to have to do this today with their sweet baby. her darling girl is going to be born and they will have some time to love on her, but they will have to hand her off to someone, never to be seen on earth again. i can't tell you the ache and pain that this carries. all i know is that i have never experienced a pain in your heart so painful that it is physical. your arms literally ache to hold your child again. you think- how can i do this? how can i give away the most precious gift i have been given? but you do. and you carry that sweet baby with you forever. it's almost 5 years ago now that we held our first daughter Sophia in our arms. and although the pain has gotten easier to bear, it is still a big spot in my heart. tender and painful at times.<br />
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i have walked along a lot of mommas in the past 5 years (mostly friends and friends of friends) helping encourage and give them advice on how to say goodbye to their babies. i can't say it gets easier, as my heart truly aches for these mommas, but i love helping them love those sweet babies the best they can and making as many memories as they can- because in the end, that is all we have. sweet memories that hurt so much but are worth all the pain.<br />
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with it being infant loss awareness month... i have been praying every day for all my friends who have suffered loss. i know i don't talk about it a lot but i am still the momma to Sophia and am honored to walk with these mommas. i hope my sweet girl is welcoming them all to heaven- healed and waiting their for their mommas to hold them again.<br />
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if you care to give in honor of these sweet babies- I recommend <a href="http://www.stringofpearlsonline.org/">www.stringofpearlsonline.org</a> to help support those who support mommas all over country that are carrying sweet babies.Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-34182707398762216532015-07-24T14:23:00.000-06:002015-07-24T14:23:06.487-06:00quick updateGosh i haven't updated this in awhile! but boy oh boy have we been busy.<br />
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this sweet girl- Olivia Jane Dinkel joined our lives 12/3/14<br />
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the joy in our hearts to finally hold our sweet girl is immesurable.</div>
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from this…………………..to this in 7 short months.</div>
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Blake- almost 3, Olivia- almost 8 months</div>
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time has flown. Sophia's birthday came and went. we ALL went and celebrated it. now anytime we go to the mountains- Blake thinks we get cupcakes.</div>
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speaking of- that little guy is up already from his nap. so i must be done.</div>
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life continues to speed by. we are trying to enjoy the little moments and enjoy the fact we get to love 3 sweet kids. We can't wait to continue to tell these 2 about the one that came before them and changed our hearts for the better. </div>
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we are so blessed.</div>
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-td</div>
<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-89615785108224742922014-11-09T13:46:00.000-07:002014-11-09T13:46:27.507-07:00believingwell my sweet girl is due to make her arrival in to our lives in the next few weeks. (I am due 11/26)<br />
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i am filled with so many mixed emotions. it has been weird preparing for a girl again. but a good weird. i couldn't bring myself to use the bedding we had gotten when we set up a crib when I was pregnant with Sophia. so the room is a completely different room than the one we set up for her. which is good… it reminds me that we have a healthy baby girl that should get to come home with us. i did have a few outfits that we had bought for Sophia (mostly newborn- since they were the closest size we could guess that would fit her) that her little sister is now going to get to wear. that part i am really excited about.<br />
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AJ and i were talking the other day, that is still feels surreal that we will actually have a baby girl. we have prayed and hoped for a girl… well since before Sophia. helping with our niece Kami had set our hearts on a girl since we got married (6 years ago). so i think we are both just so over joyed that we have gotten the chance to do this again. all the pink is filling our house and hearts with so much love. now if that love can just continue to over power the fears and anxiety that we have- that something will happen and we still won't get to bring home our baby girl. all i can do is pray for peace.<br />
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speaking of praying… my heart has been filled with so much heaviness lately. as i have been walking alongside a friend who lost their baby half way through pregnancy due to a genetic abnormality and the pain that comes alongside giving birth and having to say goodbye so fast… it has reminded me of all the pain we went through- and how much that road just sucks. then yesterday i went to a String of Pearls Tea for fellow mommy's who have lost babies, i just feel overwhelmed with grief as we all shared our stories of loss. a group united in pain.<br />
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our topic in church lately has been Believing. last week was about trust and this week was believing God will provide. i find my mind wandering when they talk and have these great people up to tell their stories of when they trusted in God and how he took care of them. i guess with all these events lately, all I can think about is these stories of when God doesn't answer your prayers. when us and all these other families learn that their babies have some fatal condition, and you and others pray so hard that he will heal or perform a miracle… and then he doesn't. this is something i have found peace in, and then at other times struggle with. it is easy for others to say to just believe, or read this book- it explains why God doesn't answer all prayers. but until you have walked those roads and felt so betrayed by this thing called prayer… you don't know how hard it is to believe.<br />
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i was so overwhelmed with emotion today, i couldn't even sing the songs. my mind kept saying- where were you during those times? w<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">hy did we have to be those moms that didn't get to talk of a miracle healing? why didn't you meet our needs? where were you at the birth? and then the song Whom Shall I Fear come up and when i saw the verse-"The God of angel armies is always by my side" I had this sudden vision that they were there beside me, weeping with us when our sweet daughter was born and died. God and these angels were crying, not only for our pain, but joy at what a miraculous baby she was and all the people who were changed because of her. my plan for her wasn't the one He had for her. he saw her as a miracle baby. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">our story wasn't one of miracles that people tell… but our story was of faith. faith that God would carry us through and that he would use Sophia's life to teach us and others. and man oh man did she do that. i am not who i was 4 years ago. i have wounds that run deep, but those wounds allow me to care for others walking the same walk in a way that others can't understand. those wounds make me who i am. he did carry us through and continues to heal the pain from that time. i didn't expect that 4 years out, i would still continue to learn from Sophia's birth… but i do. my faith grows and i expect that holding this baby girl I am growing will be such an emotional day for us both. as we grieve and feel so full of joy at the same time. there will be tears of joy and tears of missing our first little girl. it will be just fine with me to cry for both at the same time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">i know that even though i am not guaranteed a baby just because i have made it this far… i am choosing to believe that God will protect her and keep her safe… well after she is in our arms, being covered in kisses. i choose not to be afraid. i choose joy and to believe that these prayers will be answered. these needs will be met. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">next time i write i will be the mommy of 3 children. what a blessing and miracle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-td</span></div>
Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-85216411820192650202014-07-04T12:35:00.000-06:002014-07-04T12:35:01.441-06:00baby dinkel #3we have been so blessed to have the opportunity to have another sweet baby join our family this coming november!<div>
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it has been a great pregnancy so far, not too sick and not as painful as Blake's pregnancy.</div>
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we found out this week that our new baby will be another…. GIRL.</div>
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As soon as they told us girl, I broke down in tears. happy tears. but ugly, couldn't stop crying tears. i have waited 3 years to bring home a girl to raise. i don't think i fully realized how much it would mean to me to have another girl, but it really has been the final part of my healing that I was waiting for. </div>
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when we found out Sophia was a girl, we were both so excited. but when we didn't get to bring her home, our hearts were so very broken. what little baby girl stuff i had gotten has been boxed up since then. waiting for the chance to use it someday...and that time has come.</div>
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my heart was filled with so much joy and yet pain during this ultrasound. pain that i should have a little girl at home all ready but I don't. that fear that last time we were told girl, then within minutes we were told the worse news of our lives. but this time… we heard girl… and then how incredibly perfect she looks. oh the joy. incredible joy. answered prayers.</div>
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i am ready to dive in to pink and bows and all that fun that i hoped would fill our home and hearts 3 years ago when we had our first daughter. i know we have a long way to go (20 more weeks), but i can tell you i will enjoy the wait. pulling out what we had bought for sophia, in hopes that she would be one of those miracle babies. i will enjoy thinking about Sophia and wondering what traits her sister will have of hers. just as we looked forward to with Blake, I can't wait to tell this little girl all about her big sister that came before her. </div>
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i'll be praying for a healthy rest of the pregnancy for the both of us. and finding joy in all things girl for awhile… again. :)</div>
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a happy mommy- t</div>
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Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-51979012215348634372014-01-26T07:20:00.001-07:002014-01-26T07:20:37.064-07:00sophia- 3 years<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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my dear sweet girl, how has it been 3 years all ready since i last held you? your birthday came fast this year- your brother has kept us on our toes. gosh he would really like you. he smiles at older kids and follows them around. when i watch him play with some of the kids that were born around the same time as you- i just imagine what it would be like for him to have an older sister to follow around… although he would have been bigger than you all ready. </div>
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i miss you. i miss your sweet full head of hair. i miss your tiny tiny feet and hands…. and well every tiny thing about you. you were here but such a brief time, but hold such a big piece of my heart. </div>
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i prayed to you for the first time this week. i don't know what i believe about angels and such. but i figured it was worth a shot when sweet harper was told she had an awful tumor. i asked you to watch over her and tell God to take special care of her. i have never done that before… and i'm not sure how that all works, but i figured if anyone has an in with God, it is you my dear. you see- since i had you, your mommy is such a worrier about other mommies and babies. i pray, i worry, and i hope that no one ever has to have bad things happen to them like we did. i pray no one cries those painful tears we had to. i pray no one's arms ache to hold their child like ours did. it doesn't always work… but oh when it does! i feel so much joy. thank you for that this week.</div>
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we bought a house this fall- i still haven't figured out where to put your stuff. i have little things all over the house. whether others know it or not, your presence is in every room. </div>
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your daddy and i don't talk about you as much, but we both carry you with us in our own way. he misses you so much and although he can't say how much, i see it in his eyes and heart. your brother loves you too, he just doesn't know how much yet. we talk about you to him- i can't wait for the day he says your name back, which won't be that far from now. we told him that we are going to be celebrating you- i think he is mainly excited about the cupcakes i made to take you. i hope he continues to find joy and peace in this day. i hope he gets excited to take you your cupcake and read you a book. </div>
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and well me. i love you and miss you. more than i could ever say. you are the one that made me a mom and you are the one that made me who i am today. a little broken and a little bit more whole.</div>
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i hope you and your friends have so much fun celebrating- if that is how it works in heaven. i added sprinkles to your cupcake because i thought a 3 year old would love that. i hope you do.</div>
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all our love.</div>
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-your family.</div>
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oh wee one. we love you.</div>
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my supplies for her cupcake</div>
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my rose cupcake (dairy and egg free might i add)</div>
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got them all boxed up and ready to go.</div>
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flowers for the birthday girl from our dear friends- jeff and marlee (and wyatt)</div>
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<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-23908758085337340512013-12-13T23:26:00.002-07:002013-12-13T23:26:40.175-07:00sweet christmas memorieslook at me with like 3 blog posts in a row…. go me!<br />
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well christmas is quickly becoming my favorite time of the year.<br />
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i think my main reason is that it is the time of the year i actually feel like we are a family of 4. most of the year we appear to be a family of 3. but right now i get to bask in the idea that we have 4 family members. there are 4 stockings. there are 4 ornaments with names on them. there are ornaments for both my children on the tree. i get a little sad and a whole lot of happy. i love seeing Sophia stuff out everywhere… besides the stuff we keep out all year. this is the special stuff. the footprints. the ornaments that her nana and papa have gotten her from all over the world. she may not get to go to these places but they go and take a piece of her with them in their hearts. then bring her back proof that Sophia was with them.<br />
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our family ornaments. every one has one on my mom's side of the family.</div>
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i particularly love this ornament for Sophia. i think it is so accurate to her. so small and peaceful looking. it doesn't get much better than this.</div>
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anyway- i'm thankful it is christmas and then birthday time for both Sophia and I. tis a good time of the year. looking forward to making special memories with this guy. he is just a great kid.</div>
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hope this finds you enjoying your holiday season. finding joy and hope in unexpected ways.</div>
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love- the dinkels</div>
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<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-26890651645551493922013-12-09T22:12:00.000-07:002013-12-09T22:12:11.388-07:00EOEwell blake got his endoscopy (scope) and biopsy done before thanksgiving. we got the results this week.<br />
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before i get in to it- let me say that the endoscopy went well in terms of the procedure- but for a mother who has held a child who has died… then to hold your child as they go unconscious/lifeless with anesthesia… not good. i was not prepared for that. how that would shake me up not only that day but for a couple days. i didn't realize how that would trigger those feelings and bring back memories of holding sophia. if we have to do more of those, i will not stay in there for that again. i can't. thank goodness aj was there. my rock.<br />
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anyway- on to the results….blake has <a href="http://apfed.org/drupal/drupal/what_is_eoe">EOE</a> which is what has been causing his vomiting. basically he has food allergies that are causing his body to build up a thing called eosinophils in his esophagus. so we are now seeing an allergist next monday to start testing for allergies.<br />
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at first i was like- okay- thats fine. we will test him and go from there. but the more i read and learn i am a little bit of a mess. i am realizing what a long road this will be. not all food allergies show up with the skin test or the blood test. so most families have to go through elimination diets where you get rid of 6-8 of the most common allergies and then slowly add stuff in. it can be a very very long road. not only is it a hard thing to do, but even with us just getting rid of dairy, I am exhausted with looking at labels. this is the kind of stuff that can drive you crazy… searching labels wondering what is causing him to throw up.<br />
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i'm sad. sad my boy will most likely have to fight this his whole life. sad he can't eat whatever he wants at birthday parties. sad my baby "has something". sad i don't have a healthy child. i have had my pity party the past couple days.<br />
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i remember going through these stages of grief when we got sophia's diagnosis. sad we didn't' have the healthy perfect child we envisioned. then i started being okay with this. realizing that it could be worse.<br />
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i know i will get there soon. realizing that food allergies are not the end of the world, and it could be much worse. much much worse. we will make this work. he is such a happy healthy boy in so many other ways. we are fortunate because so far he is still a really good eater. and doesn't need a g-tube and isn't losing weight right now. i'm thankful that i have access to some good all natural stores to find foods he can eat.<br />
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i'm praying. praying for answers sooner than later. that our road isn't as severe as some that i have read about. that we are able to care for him the best we can.<br />
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thanks for letting me wallow a bit. sometimes you gotta do that before you can get up- pull up your big girl panties and move along. or in my case. go to bed so i can keep up with that adorable busy boy we are blessed to have in our lives.<br />
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EOE's biggest enemy- t<br />
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<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-78383097079250378022013-11-10T19:50:00.002-07:002013-11-10T19:50:32.177-07:00barfing boyhey everyone.<br />
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i apologize for no blogging for awhile. i honestly have been trying to figure out what to do with this blog. it was used to keep everyone updated on sophia, and then help process grief.<br />
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now i am in that weird spot where i don't want to always talk about grief or our lives since sophia. i know when i was reading other families stories online after her death it was very healing… but i hated wading through all the new stuff to get to all the hard stuff and see how they got through it. how they handled it. i guess you kind of compare your grief and measure how good you are doing. oddly enough. so i know people get on here and just jump straight back to that spot in my life. which is fine. but part of me is just thinking about a new blog that just moves forward.<br />
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anyway- in the meantime i will ask for prayers. Blake has been vomiting a lot. like for 2-3 months now he throws up at least once a day- sometimes more. The last 2 weeks have been odd, because 2 of the times he has had a fever, but in between those he went 5 days vomit free. today though- he vomited 3 times…. in-between those he decided to jump off his chair and whack his head on our brick around the fire place which ended in a trip to urgent care to get glued back together. not a good day.<br />
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we are exhausted. beyond exhausted. so tired from not only cleaning up vomit, vomit and more vomit… but from worry. is he getting enough food absorbed, is he getting enough fluid in between, what is causing this? could it be this or this? we have to keep taking him from daycare since he keeps vomiting there...<br />
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he has seen a GI doctor, had an upper GI, tried multiple reflux medications. all with no answers yet. he gets an endoscopy in a few weeks and then hopefully an allergist (for food allergy testing) at the beginning of the year. but until then we just wait. and keep trying to keep as much food in the body as possible. hope that he keeps some of it down. anything. we jump from trying to always feed him healthy this or that to just getting him to keep bland things down like bread and crackers.<br />
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please keep us in your thoughts. pray for healing. pray for answers. pray for us- patience and energy for the continued cleaning.<br />
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thanks, thanks and more thanks.<br />
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the dinkelsTristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-40209877436201918902013-08-18T22:21:00.001-06:002013-08-19T07:19:55.123-06:00trying to have kids is serious businessi have been thinking about this alot lately, but you have to be one very tough chicks to try and make babies.<br />
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first off... there is the process of trying to get pregnant... so many people don't make it past this part without some kid of effort... i mean there will always be people that get pregnant super duper easy (which is a blessing and yay for them). but i have sooooo many friends that this is not the case. and why is it always the people the would absolutely make such amazing mothers? so many people get stuck at this part. the part where you wait and wait and wait to fill your arms with a sweet baby. where you try and try. plan sex. don't plan sex. eat this. don't eat this. have people tell you- oh well this worked for this friend... or this and that. you try and try and pray and pray and cry and cry. i have never been there but somehow i still relate to those struggling to hold a baby and wait. my heart has been there. yes it was different, but a woman yearning to hold a baby is a woman yearning to hold a baby. you have a mothers heart... no matter what. you cry and hope for that day to come.</div>
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next- which is what inspired this post- as i am so exhausted from my heart aching for so many of my friends. i have had far far too many friends in the past months lose their sweet babies. miscarriage just sucks. it sucks real real bad. you find out you are pregnant and at that exact moment of indescribable joy you all ready have ideas and a vision of your future with that baby. you love it all ready so much and can't wait to hold it in your arms. until that moment they tell you it will no longer be. again i haven't been there... yet i have. i remember that moment at 20 weeks when the rug was pulled out beneath us. where they told us that the sweet sweet baby we had been dreaming of a future with- would not have a future. that we wouldn't get to raise this baby. different but the same. you cry... real hard. more hard than anyone can describe. you blame yourself- that you did something wrong that caused this (which makes the experience so much more different than the dad) since you were the one growing that sweet baby. you lose sleep wondering what when wrong and when. wondering why God chose this path for you and what the heck is he thinking? why do I have to be the person for God to use in this way? why do I have to lose my baby when there are all these people in the world that do want theirs? either way, it is a tough tough road where you don't get to meet that baby you had been dreaming of and it is sucks. </div>
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then you have those people that have a darling darling baby that has something wrong with it medically. these people life their whole life caring for a child in ways they never planned to when they tried for that bouncing little baby. i see this every day in my job. i can't believe how brave and strong these amazing parent are. sometimes it brings me to tears how awesome they are and how they are such better parents to me. they are so patient and loving (although i know they do not always feel it) but they are. these are the people that make the choice every day to get up and put someone else first in ways most of us can't imagine. this is not what they pictured but they are still so honored to have that child... just the way they are. although we didn't get to raise Sophia, I know it would have been a hard road but one I would take any day... if her dear little body could have withstood it. i can understand why people fight for their kids in that way and how hard those choices are to make. </div>
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then beyond all this... if you make it that far. is the joy of raising healthy perfect children. which is no small feat either. it is a tough tough job being a parent. it is self-less, exhausting and hard in all kids of ways. you have to be a tough tough person to withstand it all. you have to be strong in your decisions and face scrutiny for why you do what you do. why do you breastfeed the way you do or give your kid formula? its a hard road only made harder by each other sometimes.</div>
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having babies is a tough tough job as you don't know what is ahead. as soon as you make that jump and decide to try for a baby you at Gods will and it is terrifying as hell. but you know why we all do it over and over?</div>
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because it is worth it. every single second. every day you get to carry that baby. every day you get to raise it (if you do). no matter where you are at in the process... it is worth doing. because God has placed that on your heart and will see you through it. because we are women and we can support and love each other through it. those of us that want to be mommies don't lose that desire to care for a child no matter what because the rewards are worth the risk. somedays with all the bad i think- man why would i ever want to try that again someday, cut my losses now and enjoy my wonderful boy. there are so many things that can, have and do go wrong... but i won't. we will try again someday. i will put all my fears aside and pray for the strength to try again because it is terrifying to face the reality. (ps- not now... my baby is still a baby :))</div>
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hold your heads high ladies. remember how strong you are. remember there is a plan for you. God hears the desires of your heart and wants nothing more for you than to see you basking in the joy of motherhood if that is your heart. i think you are all so brave and strong. i hope that people that are encountering all these situations can find the support and encouragement they need to go through these circumstances with hope and peace. </div>
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proud to be a mommy. t.</div>
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ps- i don't mean to scare those that are trying or going to try someday. i just want you to know that no matter what happens. you are not alone. others have been there and are surviving it. and i don't want to sugar coat the process and make you think that what you are getting in to doesn't take some major guts and strength. </div>
Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-81771237549997145202013-05-12T19:48:00.002-06:002013-05-12T19:48:41.558-06:00motheringi love love love being a mommy. i am so blessed. i know this. for real.<br />
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this is my first mother's day celebrating with a baby in my arms, considering this is my 3rd mother's day, that is pretty crazy. and my boy must have known i was thinking about this and wanting to hug him a little extra, because this morning he just wasn't ready to be awake and after i fed him he just laid on my chest and cuddled. which for this busy baby is very odd- he is busy busy busy. i enjoyed every moment of it, even though i should have been packing.<br />
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the last 2 years my arms have yearned to hold my child. the first one was my first after sophia was born- i was sad, i cried and looked at pictures. i flew home to spend time with my mom since aj had to work. i spent the day on the porch reading. then last year i was pregnant with blake. and was excited and anxious to meet and hold him.<br />
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it is weird celebrating mother's day when you don't look like a mommy- you don't have a kid hanging off you, or when you aren't that pregnant looking. or say you have lost a baby, via miscarriage or however. or maybe you have 1 kid (or how many ever) and have lost one and know that you should be that mom of 4 instead of 3. just thinking of those people today. because those moms are brave and strong and amazing.<br />
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my friend said it best- happy mother's day to all those people who have loved a child. it really does encompass all those children we aren't holding or never got to meet. it makes you a different kind of mother- you love harder and more fiercely those children you do get to hold. so hold tight to that my dear friends that have lost those sweet babies or those people who are aching to be a mommy and that baby hasn't made it to you yet. you are the best there is. <br />
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thinking all my mommy friends out there.<br />
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fun lil vacation pic of the boy and i.<br />
t<br />
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Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-79076226329828946932013-04-13T20:55:00.000-06:002013-04-13T20:55:11.415-06:00april updatewell. it has been a busy spring in the dinkel house.<br />
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lots of traveling (mainly Blake and I) and events and more events. blake is an awesome traveler (in general) and so that makes it really helpful. plus the kid gets loved on wherever we go- so that can't suck.<br />
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he is the best. i think back to the first 8-12 weeks. man those were rough. i was so worried he was going to be a really rough baby. which was something i was totally willing to deal with, having been through what we have... but still. i was terrified we would have a grouchy difficult baby. we couldn't have been more wrong. this kid is happy, and wonderful. i wouldn't say he is a chill happy baby, as he is pretty busy and active. but he has the best personality. smiles at everyone (with 2 hilarious teeth) and will tolerate a super busy day with minimal fussing. i can't say how lucky we are. i can't help just laughing at him. particularly tonight when he peed on me then smiled and blew a raspberry at me. stinker. he seriously gets more fun each month.<br />
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blakes new things- shaking his head no, fart noises, pulling up on things, rocking on his knees, eating food like a champ FINALLY!.<br />
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well besides all this. we are doing well. working. living. loving.<br />
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we go to the dominican republic soon to see my sister get married which will be awesome. i promise some awesome baby booty pics in the sand. because well those are classic... and adorable. we are so lucky to be able to take this trip and vacation with our whole family. our last trip was after sophia was born. this will be so different. i remember being so angry on the plane that we had crying babies by us- and why do babies have to be everywhere after you lose yours? this trip WE will be that family... and instead of a trip full of grief, it will be a trip of joy and celebration. it is amazing what 2 years can do. a very loooong 2 years. one of pain growth and joy. i can tell you i will enjoy me a margarita or 2- that hasn't changed. I may appreciate it in a different way this trip than i did the last trip, but it will be just as tasty.<br />
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off to clean up the mess my child made while playing...<br />
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mama tTristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-36997966713896978182013-03-16T14:33:00.002-06:002013-03-16T14:33:39.634-06:00march madness<div>
well life is busy. i am not as good a blogger as i used to be. guess that is a good thing- playing with my cute baby is more important. speaking of... here he is. i adore him.</div>
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he is currently sick with an ear infection which equals a long nap and some mommy free time.</div>
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life is good... we are both working a lot. traveling for family events. </div>
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i have though of sophia almost daily recently. blake loves older kids. i mean if he sees one on tv he is smiling at them. i just can't help but think he is a kid that should have an older sibling. he would LOVE it. heck- we all would. but it just makes me think how entertained he would be if his big sister was here to make funny faces at him and steal his toys and all that good older sibling stuff. although he would be taller than her all ready, which makes me giggle at how cute she would be.</div>
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anyway- boring posts are good posts. we need some boring life stuff for awhile. time to just enjoy each other.</div>
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speaking of... the lil monster is awaking. till next time....</div>
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-td</div>
<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-14523817282848608572013-01-31T21:20:00.001-07:002013-01-31T21:20:07.340-07:00happy 2nd birthday darling girli'm usually a sit down and write my heart out kind of girl. guess i am distracted as this is taking me a couple times to write. i'll blame it on being exhausted after a long day at work.<br />
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well we made through Sophia's 2nd birthday. i cannot believe it has been 2 years since we held her and kissed her sweet little little toes. man i miss those cute little toes. her brother is so much more bigger. and his toes are huge compared to hers. i love seeing their footprints next to each other and remembering how sweet and small she was. she will always be our sweet little girl and we are so thankful for the time we got with her.<br />
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it was kind of a weird birthday weekend, as we had a wedding in chicago, but aj had to stay back in colorado to work. so we spent the day with my mom and step dad hanging out until the wedding. then my little man was my date. i thought the wedding was going to be hard (that whole seeing someone walk down the aisle and realizing i would never get to see her do that), but it wasn't. the blessing is that it was an indian wedding- so it wasn't that typical white dress walking down an aisle kind of scene. i was so mesmerized at all the ceremonial things happening that i didn't stop to think about anything else. <br />
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it was hard being apart from aj, mostly because it was just me to take care of B, so i didn't have any time to sit on a couch and cry a little. that lil guy kept me busy and fairly distracted. instead, i had a little "i miss my daughter" cryfest in my car earlier that week while driving. honestly i was more brought to tears by all the wonderful things people did to remember sophia. it seriously takes my breath away the amazing people in our life.<br />
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my friend abby- lit a candle on a cupcake i gave her (this is the same kind we are taking up to her this weekend to where she is scattered)</div>
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my friend evangeline's daughter- wore her sophia rose and party dress to celebrate.</div>
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little brother blake and i made her this card.</div>
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the family i was staying with (maryellen and jim) had this waiting on the night table for me.</div>
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and of course- who could be sad for long, when we have this little blessing to remind us that life moves forward and that God had good things in store for us. a rainbow after the storm. he is such a joy and helps ease our pain. although he is not her, he is a baby to hold and hug and tell all about the one who came before him. the one who taught us how to be parents and taught us how to love despite the pain that would come. the one who will always have a big place in our hearts no matter how small she was.</div>
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sophia- we miss you and love you. we hope you got a really special birthday cake and your friends helped you blow out your #2 candle.<br />
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happy birthday darling.<br />
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-mommy, daddy and brother<br />
<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-56070755395007326522013-01-01T09:10:00.001-07:002013-01-01T09:10:44.664-07:00a year of new i apologize for no blogging for awhile. our life has been a little chaotic. besides this sweet little boy keeping us busy we have had so many other great things happen.<br />
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i'll start with the most exciting.... A.J. is now a full time firefighter with Larkspur Fire Department. this is something we have been waiting about 5 years to have happen. we are are so so so excited. the picture below was taken of our family right after we found out the exciting news (even B was happy). today is actually his very first shift! this will be the year of stable work for A.J....<br />
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we moved... yes again. story of our lives.... but the great thing about our new place is that we got to give Blake a nursery. setting up a nursery is something i have been waiting to do since we were first pregnant with Sophia. i will admit i teared up while we were doing it- as i feel like this is something that a mommy just longs to do. and this mommy was really really excited. i couldn't help but think that we were supposed to put sophia in this crib and remember tearing it down after she was born... longing for the day we could put a baby in it. it was the first room totally unpacked. (pics are below) the rest of our place still looks like a disaster. but i will get it done. maybe not until this fall... when we hope to move again- in to our own house. this will be the year of saving....<br />
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this little guy has found his feet... which is super exciting for him! he has a toy now wherever we go. he is such a sweet happy baby. although he doesn't want to nap or sleep lately, we are so very blessed by his daily smiles and wonderful personality. this will be a year of enjoying all the little things with him...<br />
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christmas with the family... this went well. somehow thanksgiving went by without me giving too many thoughts to missing Sophia. probably because it was so busy with traveling. but christmas this year was were i missed her most. with having blake, i felt like our family was missing someone. i kept thinking she should be here tearing in to presents with her cute little arms. i think i was also sad not to be putting out all her christmas ornament stuff (since it is still somewhere i don't know). i may get her stuff our when i find it just to feel her around. </div>
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our family picture. (notice i am wearing the rose we wear in sophia's memory.) </div>
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while listening to a song this week, i kept thinking... i want to stay in this place for a long time. i want everything to be this good. i think with all that we have been through in the past 2 years, i am so thankful for where we are at in life. we have been so blessed this year and i am so excited for 2013. although i know that God may not only have good things in store for us all the time, i know that he is with us and will take care of us. that this is a blessing that he is giving us a new year to be together. my heart can't help but ache for those that are going into this new year missing some very dear people to them (as so many people i know are right now) and i pray for them to figure out what a new year will look like without their loved ones, i pray that day by day as the year goes on, the pain lessens, as i know it does. each day and year so far has brought us more peace and healing- as well as making memories more sweet.<br />
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may your year be one filled with grace and joy.... where ever you can find that.<br />
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thankful- the dinkels<br />
<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-16828912252654871342012-10-30T22:18:00.001-06:002012-10-30T22:18:20.160-06:002 months downwell our little guy... and us- have made it through the first 2 months.<br />
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those first 2 months are rough- alot of crying, eating and broken up sleep. it is finally starting to even out. he is not crying very much at all- he is actually a super happy smiley baby most of the time. and is starting to sleep better- 5-7 hours at a time at night.<br />
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we are starting to sleep train him- which people call "sleep training" or "learning to sleep independently"- which are basically nice ways of saying- you let your baby scream his head off when you put him down to sleep. i don't think i realized everyone basically does this- but they do. and so we are... mostly because i want him to sleep without me holding him to get him to sleep so that when he goes to the baby-sitters in 2 weeks that he will be easier for her to take care of him. also- because i want him to get some good hugs and kisses in between the cry sessions. i can't decide who it is harder on- him or us?<br />
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we think he is just the cutest baby ever- but don't all parents think that? we are suppose to so we can tolerate the hard parts of parenting right? but seriously- look at this kid:<br />
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cute-teeee...<br />
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look how much he had changed from month 1 to month 2:<br />
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anyway- we are completely in love with this kid and loving being parents. even though it is a super tough job- it is one we feel so blessed to be able to do.<br />
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i go back to work next week (now for the common question: how do you feel about that? are you so sad?) maybe i am a bad mom, but i am kind of glad to go back and have a break here and there from being a full time mommy every second of the day. i am glad to go pee and eat meals without holding a baby. it will only be 2 days a week- which i think is perfect. enough time to feel like a functioning adult and have real thought and conversation, but not too long to be away from him. i do think that any more than that and i would be sad. i like being responsible for teaching him things and making him smile most of the day. i'm hoping something will come together in the next week or so and i will go back to a job that is a little different than what i have been doing, but hopefully still within Neurology.<br />
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we unfortunately have had some job changes occur for aj, so we are not going to be able to buy a house right now. instead we are going to have to move again- as we had only moved in this 1 bedroom apt while we looked for a house (and have kept a lot of our stuff in storage). so we shall move again in to a 2 bedroom condo for 11 months and save some more and hopefully buy a house then. there are some perks to this condo: the price is good, it's near our church and most of our friends and the little guy can have his own room. it's not what we had planned to do, but life happens. so we are thankful for this opportunity that opened up to us. but ugh! moving again. and then again. i'm ready for a house so i can stop moving for a long while. ha.<br />
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well that is us for now. thanks for reading and caring about what is going on in our lives.<br />
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the proudest mommy around- tristen<br />
<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-75860916009542837722012-10-12T13:21:00.000-06:002012-10-12T13:21:11.299-06:00Sophia and dwarfismwell it is Dwarfism Awareness month. If you want to read up on it-<a href="http://www.understandingdwarfism.com/">http://www.understandingdwarfism.com</a> .<br />
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i can't help but think of our sweet little girl. it is weird as i feel tied to the world of little people and love following blogs of other parents that have children with dwarfism. mainly because i love seeing them live these wonderful lives and thinking of what our sweet girl would look like if she were here with us now. i know i have said it before- even though it would have been a hard path we would have loved raising Sophia. she would have been so dang cute.<br />
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the weird part is having a child who had dwarfism and feeling tied to that community, yet not looking like i should be tied to it. it is weird- as when i see a little person- i want to run up and say hey- my daughter had dwarfism. it would be weird and awkward i am sure, just because they have dwarfism i think they should care my daughter did- silly i know. i think i just want to feel that connection to those like my daughter. but i know that if i had her with me they would stop and notice her. (maybe i am wrong). i see other parents talking (they call themselves POLP -parent of a little person). which i know i technically am, but since i don't live it day to day it doesn't feel as real.<br />
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a lot of little people don't want to be defined with having dwarfism as they are so much more than just that. and they are. but with losing a child to dwarfism- it really does define my child. we didn't have the opportunity to have her spunky personality (which i am sure she would have had) define her. all we had was her physical self and all the cute small parts are what defined her and is what we have to remember her by. so while some want to move past the fact they have dwarfism- i want to cling to that. as it is really all we have that made her special and was what God blessed her with. <br />
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anyway- i can't wait to tell Blake all about his big (little) sister. i hope that one day he is proud of who she is and what made her special. i hope he stands up for those that look different and appreciates them for their differences. i hope he (like us) has a special place in his heart for those with dwarfism.<br />
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i hope you all think of little people a different way after having known Sophia. i also am using this post to help remind people to not use the "m word". if you want to read why that is offensive- this great post helped explain it in a detailed way <a href="http://knoahsarc.org/2010/04/25/the-m-word-repost-from-0909/">http://knoahsarc.org/2010/04/25/the-m-word-repost-from-0909/</a>.<br />
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here is the little guy- wearing a shirt super proud to be Sophia's little brother.<br />
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speaking of that little cutie... here she is. (i didn't think they looked that much alike before but i think they do here)</div>
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polp- tristenTristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-22706300661904877602012-09-04T18:21:00.002-06:002012-09-04T18:21:40.625-06:00baby blakewow. having a baby at home is awesome. i mean really really awesome.<br />
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we are so completely in love with our little guy and seriously can't get enough of him. poor kid gets smothered in kisses and hugs.<br />
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it is finally starting to set in that this is our baby. we are going to raise him. he will know we are his parents. i have literally cried tears of joy over this, as i feel so fortunate to get to do this. the other day i had him snuggled on my chest and kept thinking- this is what i was made for. i was made to be a mommy. i love this new role more than anything. when my doctor asks about baby blues- i only say i am crying tears of joy. i actually feel a blissful high from my sweet baby.<br />
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i know it isn't a new role, but it is. i think having him has shown me how incredibly fast our time passed with sophia and how it really didn't feel real before it was all ready over. the snuggles and kisses were cut short. we got to look at all her details but not long enough. by the time it set in that she was our baby, she was gone and i cried hard missing my baby. my arms ached for more time.<br />
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i keep thinking of this song that says- "There is hope in your name, mourning turns to songs of praise". that is where i feel we are. we can praise God for not only this little boy but for the big sister we get to tell him all about.<br />
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i will say that it all was so much was easier this time. the birth/labor was quick. my recovery has been better. my body seems to have bounced back quicker and i feel over all good. i don't know if it is because the labor was quicker or if the fact that i now have a baby to keep my attention. even just being able to breast feed has helped- as it felt like i had a big ole belly last time alot longer. i just cannot stress how much better this birth was- as i was so anxious about it being long and painful. it was awesome- so much so that afterward i told aj i want to have a million more babies. ha! not really- but i see how people can have multiple kids now. i was starting to doubt i could keep doing this if it was as rough as it was (physically) as it was last time.<br />
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anyway- our joy is ridiculous. as is our family's. we are all so in love with him and feeling so blessed. thank you for all your prayers and love. below is a link to some pics of the little guy and our new little family.<br />
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<a href="http://www.oertliphotography.com/2012/08/baby-blake-is-here-littleton-newborn-photographer/">http://www.oertliphotography.com/2012/08/baby-blake-is-here-littleton-newborn-photographer/</a><br />
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full of joy- the dinkel family!<br />
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<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-57539823633949688732012-08-22T20:49:00.000-06:002012-08-22T20:49:12.603-06:00Another updateWell Blake is out of the NICU. The doctors think the only problem was the inflammation from the suctioning and it's been improving with the nose drops. He's not grunting as much and he's breathing really well. So they moved us back to our regular room and they're just going to keep us for one more night and then hopefully we get to take him tomorrow! Thanks for the prayers. Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-70640992201572850222012-08-22T09:27:00.001-06:002012-08-22T09:30:22.494-06:00Prayer RequestHello again. This is A.J. So Blake is doing well today. Yesterday when he arrived in this world he started to breathe a little too early and inhaled a bunch of nasty fluid so he had to be suctioned a little more than normal through his nose and mouth. One of the side effects of that suctioning is inflammation in the nasal airways. Since his are so tiny to begin with he didn't have much room left to breath through his nose and was having some trouble breathing yesterday so he was admitted to the NICU yesterday afternoon. They did some tests and x-rays and didn't find anything else wrong which is a relief so they're pretty sure it's just the inflammation so he's been getting some nose drops to help with that and he is doing much better today. He was grunting and snoring like a little piggy all day yesterday (which was kind of cute and funny even though it was because he couldn't breathe too well) and today the grunting and snoring is drastically reduced. He's feeding well and looks handsome as ever. We're hoping today that they will discharge him from the NICU which it sounds like they will and that we get to take our little guy home with us today. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. Tristen is doing well, tired as all new mother's are but taking excellent care of Blake and just being an all around outstanding mom. I'm tired too but otherwise doing great. The staff here at Swedish has been outstanding and all the nurses and docs are doing they're best to make sure we're taken care of. We've received a ton of support from our friends and family and we can't say thank you enough to all of those who have been by our side through everything. We are truly blessed. More posts to follow. Right now I have to go find the manual for this baby and look up the chapter on diaper changing.....I think the pamphlets are in the lobby. God bless. Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-12989296171816167502012-08-21T09:43:00.001-06:002012-08-21T09:43:55.658-06:00Blake is here!Blake Dinkel was born at 6:58 this morning and doing well. Tristen is also healthy and doing well. We'll add pictures and other info shortly. Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-70561189126934864882012-08-21T00:42:00.000-06:002012-08-21T00:42:05.858-06:00We're at the hospital!So this is A.J., as you can probably tell by the proper punctuation and capitalization; but I digress. We're at the hospital. Tristen is 3-4cm dilated and I don't know how much effaced. She just got the epidural and is much more comfortable. Very soon we should get to meet our little guy in person. We'll keep you posted. Prayers are welcome and appreciated. Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-57756949384708171502012-08-06T11:36:00.002-06:002012-08-06T11:36:45.901-06:00good resultsso for real a quick update.<br />
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test results looked pretty good. still have protein in my urine but they aren't concerned. so neither am i. yay for no inducing!<br />
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so now we wait. i am due next week! wow.<br />
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i have been having alot more contractions.... so we shall see how the week goes. <br />
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please keep my mom in your prayers- she is having her gallbladder out tomorrow (poor girl has been feeling terrible this past week). hoping for a speedy recovery and that this babe stays in a few more days so she can make her way out here when i am in labor. <br />
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-tTristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-53901741699891182262012-08-01T12:25:00.000-06:002012-08-01T12:25:03.540-06:00quick updatewell this little boy is still cooking.<br />
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last week i started having some headaches, swelling and nausea. so i came to work and dipped my urine and got some protein and had an elevated blood pressure for me... which for other people is still a normal reading, but still abnormal for me. called the dr office and they had me come in. labs showed high protein in my urine too. told me to drink up and come in the next day- hoping i was dehydrated. then on friday got more labs done- they called saying i was pre-eclamptic and to come back in for an ultrasound and non-stress test for the baby. <br />
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at that point we are freaking out- not feeling ready to have a baby yet- although i was going on 37 weeks and he would be fine... we just aren't fully unpacked and prepared on our end. ha. the ultrasound showed the little guy is growing just fine- all ready 6 lbs 12 oz... but the dr i saw wasn't concerned like the nurse practiioners were. told me to take tylenol and drink up.<br />
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monday appt- i had gained 3lbs of fluid since thursday (have drank gallons of water by this point) but seem to be retaining more of it now. so they are having me collect 24 hours of urine for a more accurate protien count and redo some labs since i had some abnormally shaped blood cells that indicate pre-eclampsia. i turned all that in today and drew labs. so we shall see what they say.<br />
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if i am pre-eclamptic we will just induce and bring the little guy on early- though at this point i'm not early... almost 38 weeks. i am bummed to have to induce but all i care about is a heatlhy baby and keeping myself healthy too. <br />
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holy cow! it is august- i will have a baby this month! that is what keeps running through my mind, whether we induce or not a baby is coming soon. we spent this weekend and beginning of the week getting things semi finished. our tiny little apartment is ready for the little guy. <br />
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part of me is getting a little anxious- waiting is hard as i am starting to worry a little that something will go wrong. that i will have gone through 2 pregnancies and again not end up with a baby. i know it is normal to be worried- but it is annoying. i hate having those thoughts cross my mind. when they do i try to stop and just say- God you have this. this baby is yours no matter what. please allow us the chance to raise this baby and love on him. so far i am doing okay. <br />
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it's getting more real and i think aj and i are both realizing that we may actually come home with a baby and woah! life is going to change. how am i going to be a mommy and wife? how will i give my hubby the attention he deserves and wants along with caring for a baby as well? all things that people figure out and i know i will... well we will. i can't wait for it. my heart longs to hold another one of my babies- last time was not nearly long enough. i'm sure it is going to be emotional and bring back memories of holding our sweet girl (although he is going to seem ginormous compared to her). i just feel so happy and blessed to get to do this again. i long for hearing those sweet crys that i didn't get to hear last time. a baby gasping for air as his parents cry tears of joy. i can't wait to tell him all about her.<br />
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speaking of our girl- we did the String Of Pearls run/walk this past weekend in her memory again. well we just helped at the event this year since we didn't have much of a team and i couldn't partake in a hot walk. once i get the pic off my camera i will put it on here- i love that each year we will be able to document our family at the event and how it grows. this year was easier than last- our hearts weren't so fresh with pain. it's fun to wear our rose pins and be proud parents of such a special girl and life.<br />
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anyway- that is my lunch break (we don't have internet at our apt) guess it wasn't such a quick update. ha. oops.<br />
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soon to be holding a baby in my arms- t<br />
<br />Tristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5150414639894744243.post-34505599379259361132012-07-15T16:43:00.000-06:002012-07-15T16:43:28.497-06:00july post<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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i can't believe it is mid-july all ready.... well maybe i can. a lot has happened or not happened, i'll do a mini recap:</div>
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aj got deployed on a wild fire for 3 weeks doing his fireman thing- finally got back safe and sound last week. </div>
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my pelvic region is still what i like to call- broken and some days i can't even walk without intense shooting pain. (besides the pain, it just is a bummer i can't really do very much in my last weeks of freedom)</div>
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the babysitter we thought we had lined up for after the baby fell through, so we are back to figuring out a game plan for this fall.</div>
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my job situation is still up in the air for after the baby- since i can't do my current job part time- and i wanna be a mommy more than work. so we are praying some kind of something comes up in the next few months.</div>
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our plans to buy a house aren't really coming through in a timely manner, so we, well i had to run around (while aj was deployed) and find us a short term rental to give us more time. the positive- it gives us time not to feel rushed in to buying a house. the negative- it is a 1 bedroom, so no way to set up a nursery like this nesting mommy would like, and it's a bit above what we had budgeted for with the baby... so we have to re-evaluate a few things. but we move on Sat....</div>
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but you know what?! none of this matters.... because we are going to have a baby!!! i don't know if God has just given me peace now or if i know the only thing that is important to me is the sweet baby i am cooking up.</div>
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here is me at 35 weeks this weekend: </div>
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i have started having dreams of me actually having a baby- which with both pregnancies is the first time. i guess i couldn't picture myself actually having a baby until lately. the first one i had a baby boy and in my dream i was doing a lot of the day to day stuff a mommy does. but when i went to change his diaper i realized he was missing some toes on one foot and had extra on the other... then noticed he had some other abnormalities. i was shocked and kept thinking (in my dream) that maybe aj and i shouldn't have more babies- that maybe we can't make healthy ones. then my dream moved on and while i was changing him he peed on his own face in only the way a baby boy can do- and i laughed a lot. it's weird how your worries come about in your dreams. i don't think i am necessarily worried about this baby having things wrong any more, but i guess some part of me may be. i would think that after what we went through with Sophia that i will never be worry free with a pregnancy.<br />
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the second dream was last night and mainly i was trying to get the hang of breastfeeding and kept going different places and having to stop and feed my baby. which was cool- as i really really can't wait to do that. i think that with sophia that was the one thing i was hoping i could do with her, like if she lived for only a few hours that i could feel what that is like. it's the one part of being a mommy that i haven't gotten to experience yet... i mean besides like actually bringing a baby home and getting to care for it.<br />
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anyway. it's interesting doing this again, as last time i wasn't afraid of the birth- as i was so excited to meet our little girl and get it over with. and when i say get it over with- i don't mean that in a bad way, but it had been such a long road and i was ready to see what was going to happen. i didn't know enough to be scared about birth.<br />
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this time- i am still very close (time wise) to my last birth and it was a really hard birth... 3 hours of active pushing. i'm kind of terrified to give birth to a bigger baby- as that one was pretty rough and she was small, so i can't help but think a bigger baby is going to really suck. maybe because i didn't have that baby to hold and care for afterward, that it is the only thing i can remember. i'm hoping that this one goes quicker and easier and is less painful (all the way around). i pray the joy that comes afterward is like amnesia and wipes away a lot of the memory of birth. ha.<br />
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either way- we are getting really really excited. aj likes to talk to the little man (no we haven't agreed on a name yet) and put his head on my stomach so the baby can hit him. it really surprises him how hard he can kick and we talk about how different it was with sophia. she had sweet gentle pushes but not these severe kicks that sometimes scare me. although the pregnancies have been completely different, one thing that won't be different is the completely ridiculous amount of love we have for our children. we love them both so much and although we will show it in different ways, it will be equal and special.<br />
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we will keep you updated as we only have like a month from wed left! woo hoo.<br />
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-mama tTristen and A.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08026863540807550586noreply@blogger.com7