sweet christmas memories

look at me with like 3 blog posts in a row…. go me!

well christmas is quickly becoming my favorite time of the year.

i think my main reason is that it is the time of the year i actually feel like we are a family of 4. most of the year we appear to be a family of 3. but right now i get to bask in the idea that we have 4 family members. there are 4 stockings. there are 4 ornaments with names on them. there are ornaments for both my children on the tree. i get a little sad and a whole lot of happy. i love seeing Sophia stuff out everywhere… besides the stuff we keep out all year. this is the special stuff. the footprints. the ornaments that her nana and papa have gotten her from all over the world. she may not get to go to these places but they go and take a piece of her with them in their hearts. then bring her back proof that Sophia was with them.

our family ornaments. every one has one on my mom's side of the family.

i particularly love this ornament for Sophia. i think it is so accurate to her. so small and peaceful looking. it doesn't get much better than this.

anyway- i'm thankful it is christmas and then birthday time for both Sophia and I. tis a good time of the year. looking forward to making special memories with this guy. he is just a great kid.

hope this finds you enjoying your holiday season. finding joy and hope in unexpected ways.

love- the dinkels

EOE

well blake got his endoscopy (scope) and biopsy done before thanksgiving. we got the results this week.

before i get in to it- let me say that the endoscopy went well in terms of the procedure- but for a mother who has held a child who has died… then to hold your child as they go unconscious/lifeless with anesthesia… not good. i was not prepared for that. how that would shake me up not only that day but for a couple days. i didn't realize how that would trigger those feelings and bring back memories of holding sophia. if we have to do more of those, i will not stay in there for that again. i can't. thank goodness aj was there. my rock.

anyway- on to the results….blake has EOE which is what has been causing his vomiting. basically he has food allergies that are causing his body to build up a thing called eosinophils in his esophagus. so we are now seeing an allergist next monday to start testing for allergies.

at first i was like- okay- thats fine. we will test him and go from there. but the more i read and learn i am  a little bit of a mess. i am realizing what a long road this will be. not all food allergies show up with the skin test or the blood test. so most families have to go through elimination diets where you get rid of 6-8 of the most common allergies and then slowly add stuff in. it can be a very very long road. not only is it a hard thing to do, but even with us just getting rid of dairy, I am exhausted with looking at labels.  this is the kind of stuff that can drive you crazy… searching labels wondering what is causing him to throw up.

i'm sad. sad my boy will most likely have to fight this his whole life. sad he can't eat whatever he wants at birthday parties. sad my baby "has something". sad i don't have a healthy child.  i have had my pity party the past couple days.

i remember going through these stages of grief when we got sophia's diagnosis. sad we didn't' have the healthy perfect child we envisioned. then i started being okay with this. realizing that it could be worse.

i know i will get there soon. realizing that food allergies are not the end of the world, and it could be much worse. much much worse. we will make this work. he is such a happy healthy boy in so many other ways. we are fortunate because so far he is still a really good eater. and doesn't need a g-tube and isn't losing weight right now. i'm thankful that i have access to some good all natural stores to find foods he can eat.

i'm praying. praying for answers sooner than later. that our road isn't as severe as some that i have read about. that we are able to care for him the best we can.

thanks for letting me wallow a bit. sometimes you gotta do that before you can get up- pull up your big girl panties and move along. or in my case. go to bed so i can keep up with that adorable busy boy we are blessed to have in our lives.

EOE's biggest enemy- t

barfing boy

hey everyone.

i apologize for no blogging for awhile. i honestly have been trying to figure out what to do with this blog. it was used to keep everyone updated on sophia, and then help process grief.

now i am in that weird spot where i don't want to always talk about grief or our lives since sophia. i know when i was reading other families stories online after her death it was very healing… but i hated wading through all the new stuff to get to all the hard stuff and see how they got through it. how they handled it. i guess you kind of compare your grief and measure how good you are doing. oddly enough. so i know people get on here and just jump straight back to that spot in my life. which is fine. but part of me is just thinking about a new blog that just moves forward.

anyway- in the meantime i will ask for prayers. Blake has been vomiting a lot. like for 2-3 months now he throws up at least once a day- sometimes more.  The last 2 weeks have been odd, because 2 of the times he has had a fever, but in between those he went 5 days vomit free. today though- he vomited 3 times…. in-between those he decided to jump off his chair and whack his head on our brick around the fire place which ended in a trip to urgent care to get glued back together. not a good day.

we are exhausted. beyond exhausted. so tired from not only cleaning up vomit, vomit and more vomit… but from worry. is he getting enough food absorbed, is he getting enough fluid in between, what is causing this? could it be this or this? we have to keep taking him from daycare since he keeps vomiting there...

he has seen a GI doctor, had an upper GI, tried multiple reflux medications. all with no answers yet. he gets an endoscopy in a few weeks and then hopefully an allergist (for food allergy testing) at the beginning of the year. but until then we just wait. and keep trying to keep as much food in the body as possible. hope that he keeps some of it down. anything. we jump from trying to always feed him healthy this or that to just getting him to keep bland things down like bread and crackers.

please keep us in your thoughts. pray for healing. pray for answers. pray for us- patience and energy for the continued cleaning.

thanks, thanks and more thanks.

the dinkels

trying to have kids is serious business

i have been thinking about this alot lately, but you have to be one very tough chicks to try and make babies.

first off... there is the process of trying to get pregnant... so many people don't make it past this part without some kid of effort... i mean there will always be people that get pregnant super duper easy (which is a blessing and yay for them). but i have sooooo many friends that this is not the case. and why is it always the people the would absolutely make such amazing mothers? so many people get stuck at this part. the part where you wait and wait and wait to fill your arms with a sweet baby. where you try and try. plan sex. don't plan sex. eat this. don't eat this. have people tell you- oh well this worked for this friend... or this and that. you try and try and pray and pray and cry and cry. i have never been there but somehow i still relate to those struggling to hold a baby and wait. my heart has been there. yes it was different, but a woman yearning to hold a baby is a woman yearning to hold a baby. you have a mothers heart... no matter what. you cry and hope for that day to come.

next- which is what inspired this post- as i am so exhausted from my heart aching for so many of my friends. i have had far far too many friends in the past months lose their sweet babies. miscarriage just sucks. it sucks real real bad. you find out you are pregnant and at that exact moment of indescribable joy you all ready have ideas and a vision of your future with that baby. you love it all ready so much and can't wait to hold it in your arms. until that moment they tell you it will no longer be. again i haven't been there... yet i have. i remember that moment at 20 weeks when the rug was pulled out beneath us. where they told us that the sweet sweet baby we had been dreaming of a future with- would not have a future. that we wouldn't get to raise this baby. different but the same. you cry... real hard. more hard than anyone can describe. you blame yourself- that you did something wrong that caused this (which makes the experience so much more different than the dad) since you were the one growing that sweet baby. you lose sleep wondering what when wrong and when. wondering why God chose this path for you and what the heck is he thinking? why do I have to be the person for God to use in this way? why do I have to lose my baby when there are all these people in the world that do want theirs? either way, it is a tough tough road where you don't get to meet that baby you had been dreaming of and it is sucks. 

then you have those people that have a darling darling baby that has something wrong with it medically. these people life their whole life caring for a child in ways they never planned to when they tried for that bouncing little baby. i see this every day in my job. i can't believe how brave and strong these amazing parent are. sometimes it brings me to tears how awesome they are and how they are such better parents to me. they are so patient and loving (although i know they do not always feel it) but they are. these are the people that make the choice every day to get up and put someone else first in ways most of us can't imagine. this is not what they pictured but they are still so honored to have that child... just the way they are. although we didn't get to raise Sophia, I know it would have been a hard road but one I would take any day... if her dear little body could have withstood it. i can understand why people fight for their kids in that way and how hard those choices are to make.  

then beyond all this... if you make it that far. is the joy of raising healthy perfect children. which is no small feat either. it is a tough tough job being a parent. it is self-less, exhausting and hard in all kids of ways. you have to be a tough tough person to withstand it all. you have to be strong in your decisions and face scrutiny for why you do what you do. why do you breastfeed the way you do or give your kid formula? its a hard road only made harder by each other sometimes.

having babies is a tough tough job as you don't know what is ahead. as soon as you make that jump and decide to try for a baby you at Gods will and it is terrifying as hell. but you know why we all do it over and over?

because it is worth it. every single second. every day you get to carry that baby. every day you get to raise it (if you do). no matter where you are at in the process... it is worth doing. because God has placed that on your heart and will see you through it. because we are women and we can support and love each other through it. those of us that want to be mommies don't lose that desire to care for a child no matter what because the rewards are worth the risk. somedays with all the bad i think- man why would i ever want to try that again someday, cut my losses now and enjoy my wonderful boy. there are so many things that can, have and do go wrong...  but i won't. we will try again someday. i will put all my fears aside and pray for the strength to try again because it is terrifying to face the reality. (ps- not now... my baby is still a baby :))

hold your heads high ladies. remember how strong you are. remember there is a plan for you.  God hears the desires of your heart and wants nothing more for you than to see you basking in the joy of motherhood if that is your heart. i think you are all so brave and strong. i hope that people that are encountering all these situations can find the support and encouragement they need to go through these circumstances with hope and peace. 

proud to be a mommy. t.

ps- i don't mean to scare those that are trying or going to try someday. i just want you to know that no matter what happens. you are not alone. others have been there and are surviving it. and i don't want to sugar coat the process and make you think that what you are getting in to doesn't take some major guts and strength. 

mothering

i love love love being a mommy. i am so blessed. i know this. for real.

this is my first mother's day celebrating with a baby in my arms, considering this is my 3rd mother's day, that is pretty crazy. and my boy must have known i was thinking about this and wanting to hug him a little extra, because this morning he just wasn't ready to be awake and after i fed him he just laid on my chest and cuddled. which for this busy baby is very odd- he is busy busy busy. i enjoyed every moment of it, even though i should have been packing.

the last 2 years my arms have yearned to hold my child. the first one was my first after sophia was born- i was sad, i cried and looked at pictures. i flew home to spend time with my mom since aj had to work. i spent the day on the porch reading. then last year i was pregnant with blake. and was excited and anxious to meet and hold him.

it is weird celebrating mother's day when you don't look like a mommy- you don't have a kid hanging off you, or when you aren't that pregnant looking. or say you have lost a baby, via miscarriage or however. or maybe you have 1 kid (or how many ever) and have lost one and know that you should be that mom of 4 instead of 3. just thinking of those people today. because those moms are brave and strong and amazing.

my friend said it best- happy mother's day to all those people who have loved a child. it really does encompass all those children we aren't holding or never got to meet. it makes you a different kind of mother- you love harder and more fiercely those children you do get to hold. so hold tight to that my dear friends that have lost those sweet babies or those people who are aching to be a mommy and that baby hasn't made it to you yet. you are the best there is.

thinking all my mommy friends out there.

fun lil vacation pic of the boy and i.
t

april update

well. it has been a busy spring in the dinkel house.

lots of traveling (mainly Blake and I) and events and more events. blake is an awesome traveler (in general) and so that makes it really helpful. plus the kid gets loved on wherever we go- so that can't suck.

he is the best. i think back to the first 8-12 weeks. man those were rough. i was so worried he was going to be a really rough baby. which was something i was totally willing to deal with, having been through what we have... but still. i was terrified we would have a grouchy difficult baby. we couldn't have been more wrong. this kid is happy, and wonderful. i wouldn't say he is a chill happy baby, as he is pretty busy and active. but he has the best personality. smiles at everyone (with 2 hilarious teeth) and will tolerate a super busy day with minimal fussing. i can't say how lucky we are. i can't help just laughing at him. particularly tonight when he peed on me then smiled and blew a raspberry at me. stinker. he seriously gets more fun each month.

blakes new things-  shaking his head no, fart noises, pulling up on things, rocking on his knees, eating food like a champ FINALLY!.

well besides all this. we are doing well. working. living. loving.

we go to the dominican republic soon to see my sister get married which will be awesome. i promise some awesome baby booty pics in the sand. because well those are classic... and adorable. we are so lucky to be able to take this trip and vacation with our whole family.  our last trip was after sophia was born. this will be so different. i remember being so angry on the plane that we had crying babies by us- and why do babies have to be everywhere after you lose yours? this trip WE will be that family... and instead of a trip full of grief, it will be a trip of joy and celebration. it is amazing what 2 years can do. a very loooong 2 years. one of pain growth and joy. i can tell you i will enjoy me a margarita or 2- that hasn't changed. I may appreciate it in a different way this trip than i did the last trip, but it will be just as tasty.

off to clean up the mess my child made while playing...

mama t

march madness

well life is busy. i am not as good a blogger as i used to be. guess that is a good thing- playing with my cute baby is more important. speaking of... here he is. i adore him.

he is currently sick with an ear infection which equals a long nap and some mommy free time.

life is good... we are both working a lot. traveling for family events. 

i have though of sophia almost daily recently. blake loves older kids. i mean if he sees one on tv he is smiling at them. i just can't help but think he is a kid that should have an older sibling. he would LOVE it. heck- we all would.  but it just makes me think how entertained he would be if his big sister was here to make funny faces at him and steal his toys and all that good older sibling stuff. although he would be taller than her all ready, which makes me giggle at how cute she would be.

anyway- boring posts are good posts. we need some boring life stuff for awhile. time to just enjoy each other.

speaking of... the lil monster is awaking. till next time....

-td