believing

well my sweet girl is due to make her arrival in to our lives in the next few weeks. (I am due 11/26)

i am filled with so many mixed emotions. it has been weird preparing for a girl again. but a good weird. i couldn't bring myself to use the bedding we had gotten when we set up a crib when I was pregnant with Sophia. so the room is a completely different room than the one we set up for her. which is good… it reminds me that we have a healthy baby girl that should get to come home with us. i did have a few outfits that we had bought for Sophia (mostly newborn- since they were the closest size we could guess that would fit her) that her little sister is now going to get to wear. that part i am really excited about.

AJ and i were talking the other day, that is still feels surreal that we will actually have a baby girl. we have prayed and hoped for a girl… well since before Sophia. helping with our niece Kami had set our hearts on a girl since we got married (6 years ago). so i think we are both just so over joyed that we have gotten the chance to do this again. all the pink is filling our house and hearts with so much love. now if that love can just continue to over power the fears and anxiety that we have- that something will happen and we still won't get to bring home our baby girl. all i can do is pray for peace.

speaking of praying… my heart has been filled with so much heaviness lately. as i have been walking alongside a friend who lost their baby half way through pregnancy due to a genetic abnormality and the pain that comes alongside giving birth and having to say goodbye so fast… it has reminded me of all the pain we went through- and how much that road just sucks. then yesterday i went to a String of Pearls Tea for fellow mommy's who have lost babies, i just feel overwhelmed with grief as we all shared our stories of loss. a group united in pain.

our topic in church lately has been Believing. last week was about trust and this week was believing God will provide.  i find my mind wandering when they talk and have these great people up to tell their stories of when they trusted in God and how he took care of them. i guess with all these events lately, all I can think about is these stories of when God doesn't answer your prayers. when us and all these other families learn that their babies have some fatal condition, and you and others pray so hard that he will heal or perform a miracle… and then he doesn't. this is something i have found peace in, and then at other times struggle with. it is easy for others to say to just believe, or read this book- it explains why God doesn't answer all prayers.  but until you have walked those roads and felt so betrayed by this thing called prayer… you don't know how hard it is to believe.

i was so overwhelmed with emotion today, i couldn't even sing the songs. my mind kept saying- where were you during those times? why did we have to be those moms that didn't get to talk of a miracle healing?  why didn't you meet our needs? where were you at the birth? and then the song Whom Shall I Fear come up and when i saw the verse-"The God of angel armies is always by my side" I had this sudden vision that they were there beside me, weeping with us when our sweet daughter was born and died. God and these angels were crying, not only for our pain, but joy at what a miraculous baby she was and all the people who were changed because of her. my plan for her wasn't the one He had for her. he saw her as a miracle baby. 

our story wasn't one of miracles that people tell… but our story was of faith. faith that God would carry us through and that he would use Sophia's life to teach us and others. and man oh man did she do that. i am not who i was 4 years ago. i have wounds that run deep, but those wounds allow me to care for others walking the same walk in a way that others can't understand. those wounds make me who i am. he did carry us through and continues to heal the pain from that time. i didn't expect that 4 years out, i would still continue to learn from Sophia's birth… but i do. my faith grows and i expect that holding this baby girl I am growing will be such an emotional day for us both. as we grieve and feel so full of joy at the same time. there will be tears of joy and tears of missing our first little girl. it will be just fine with me to cry for both at the same time. 

i know that even though i am not guaranteed a baby just because i have made it this far… i am choosing to believe that God will protect her and keep her safe… well after she is in our arms, being covered in kisses. i choose not to be afraid. i choose joy and to believe that these prayers will be answered. these needs will be met. 

next time i write i will be the mommy of 3 children. what a blessing and miracle.

-td

baby dinkel #3

we have been so blessed to have the opportunity to have another sweet baby join our family this coming november!

it has been a great pregnancy so far, not too sick and not as painful as Blake's pregnancy.

we found out this week that our new baby will be another…. GIRL.

As soon as they told us girl, I broke down in tears. happy tears. but ugly, couldn't stop crying tears.  i have waited 3 years to bring home a girl to raise. i don't think i fully realized how much it would mean to me to have another girl, but it really has been the final part of my healing that I was waiting for. 

when we found out Sophia was a girl, we were both so excited. but when we didn't get to bring her home, our hearts were so very broken. what little baby girl stuff i had gotten has been boxed up since then. waiting for the chance to use it someday...and that time has come.

my heart was filled with so much joy and yet pain during this ultrasound. pain that i should have a little girl at home all ready but I don't. that fear that last time we were told girl, then within minutes we were told the worse news of our lives. but this time… we heard girl… and then how incredibly perfect she looks. oh the joy. incredible joy.  answered prayers.

i am ready to dive in to pink and bows and all that fun that i hoped would fill our home and hearts 3 years ago when we had our first daughter. i know we have a long way to go (20 more weeks), but i can tell you i will enjoy the wait. pulling out what we had bought for sophia, in hopes that she would be one of those miracle babies. i will enjoy thinking about Sophia and wondering what traits her sister will have of hers.  just as we looked forward to with Blake, I can't wait to tell this little girl all about her big sister that came before her. 

i'll be praying for a healthy rest of the pregnancy for the both of us. and finding joy in all things girl for awhile… again. :)

a happy mommy- t

sophia- 3 years

my dear sweet girl, how has it been 3 years all ready since i last held you? your birthday came fast this year- your brother has kept us on our toes. gosh he would really like you. he smiles at older kids and follows them around.  when i watch him play with some of the kids that were born around the same time as you- i just imagine what it would be like for him to have an older sister to follow around… although he would have been bigger than you all ready. 

i miss you. i miss your sweet full head of hair. i miss your tiny tiny feet and hands…. and well every tiny thing about you. you were here but such a brief time, but hold such a big piece of my heart. 

i prayed to you for the first time this week. i don't know what i believe about angels and such. but i figured it was worth a shot when sweet harper was told she had an awful tumor. i asked you to watch over her and tell God to take special care of her. i have never done that before… and i'm not sure how that all works, but i figured if anyone has an in with God, it is you my dear. you see- since i had you, your mommy is such a worrier about other mommies and babies. i pray, i worry, and i hope that no one ever has to have bad things happen to them like we did. i pray no one cries those painful tears we had to. i pray no one's arms ache to hold their child like ours did. it doesn't always work… but oh when it does! i feel so much joy. thank you for that this week.

we bought a house this fall- i still haven't figured out where to put your stuff. i have little things all over the house. whether others know it or not, your presence is in every room. 

your daddy and i don't talk about you as much, but we both carry you with us in our own way. he misses you so much and although he can't say how much, i see it in his eyes and heart. your brother loves you too, he just doesn't know how much yet. we talk about you to him- i can't wait for the day he says your name back, which won't be that far from now. we told him that we are going to be celebrating you- i think he is mainly excited about the cupcakes i made to take you. i hope he continues to find joy and peace in this day. i hope he gets excited to take you your cupcake and read you a book. 

and well me. i love you and miss you. more than i could ever say. you are the one that made me a mom and you are the one that made me who i am today. a little broken and a little bit more whole.

i hope you and your friends have so much fun celebrating- if that is how it works in heaven. i added sprinkles to your cupcake because i thought a 3 year old would love that. i hope you do.

all our love.

-your family.

oh wee one. we love you.

my supplies for her cupcake

my rose cupcake (dairy and egg free might i add)

got them all boxed up and ready to go.

flowers for the birthday girl from our dear friends- jeff and marlee (and wyatt)

sweet christmas memories

look at me with like 3 blog posts in a row…. go me!

well christmas is quickly becoming my favorite time of the year.

i think my main reason is that it is the time of the year i actually feel like we are a family of 4. most of the year we appear to be a family of 3. but right now i get to bask in the idea that we have 4 family members. there are 4 stockings. there are 4 ornaments with names on them. there are ornaments for both my children on the tree. i get a little sad and a whole lot of happy. i love seeing Sophia stuff out everywhere… besides the stuff we keep out all year. this is the special stuff. the footprints. the ornaments that her nana and papa have gotten her from all over the world. she may not get to go to these places but they go and take a piece of her with them in their hearts. then bring her back proof that Sophia was with them.

our family ornaments. every one has one on my mom's side of the family.

i particularly love this ornament for Sophia. i think it is so accurate to her. so small and peaceful looking. it doesn't get much better than this.

anyway- i'm thankful it is christmas and then birthday time for both Sophia and I. tis a good time of the year. looking forward to making special memories with this guy. he is just a great kid.

hope this finds you enjoying your holiday season. finding joy and hope in unexpected ways.

love- the dinkels

EOE

well blake got his endoscopy (scope) and biopsy done before thanksgiving. we got the results this week.

before i get in to it- let me say that the endoscopy went well in terms of the procedure- but for a mother who has held a child who has died… then to hold your child as they go unconscious/lifeless with anesthesia… not good. i was not prepared for that. how that would shake me up not only that day but for a couple days. i didn't realize how that would trigger those feelings and bring back memories of holding sophia. if we have to do more of those, i will not stay in there for that again. i can't. thank goodness aj was there. my rock.

anyway- on to the results….blake has EOE which is what has been causing his vomiting. basically he has food allergies that are causing his body to build up a thing called eosinophils in his esophagus. so we are now seeing an allergist next monday to start testing for allergies.

at first i was like- okay- thats fine. we will test him and go from there. but the more i read and learn i am  a little bit of a mess. i am realizing what a long road this will be. not all food allergies show up with the skin test or the blood test. so most families have to go through elimination diets where you get rid of 6-8 of the most common allergies and then slowly add stuff in. it can be a very very long road. not only is it a hard thing to do, but even with us just getting rid of dairy, I am exhausted with looking at labels.  this is the kind of stuff that can drive you crazy… searching labels wondering what is causing him to throw up.

i'm sad. sad my boy will most likely have to fight this his whole life. sad he can't eat whatever he wants at birthday parties. sad my baby "has something". sad i don't have a healthy child.  i have had my pity party the past couple days.

i remember going through these stages of grief when we got sophia's diagnosis. sad we didn't' have the healthy perfect child we envisioned. then i started being okay with this. realizing that it could be worse.

i know i will get there soon. realizing that food allergies are not the end of the world, and it could be much worse. much much worse. we will make this work. he is such a happy healthy boy in so many other ways. we are fortunate because so far he is still a really good eater. and doesn't need a g-tube and isn't losing weight right now. i'm thankful that i have access to some good all natural stores to find foods he can eat.

i'm praying. praying for answers sooner than later. that our road isn't as severe as some that i have read about. that we are able to care for him the best we can.

thanks for letting me wallow a bit. sometimes you gotta do that before you can get up- pull up your big girl panties and move along. or in my case. go to bed so i can keep up with that adorable busy boy we are blessed to have in our lives.

EOE's biggest enemy- t

barfing boy

hey everyone.

i apologize for no blogging for awhile. i honestly have been trying to figure out what to do with this blog. it was used to keep everyone updated on sophia, and then help process grief.

now i am in that weird spot where i don't want to always talk about grief or our lives since sophia. i know when i was reading other families stories online after her death it was very healing… but i hated wading through all the new stuff to get to all the hard stuff and see how they got through it. how they handled it. i guess you kind of compare your grief and measure how good you are doing. oddly enough. so i know people get on here and just jump straight back to that spot in my life. which is fine. but part of me is just thinking about a new blog that just moves forward.

anyway- in the meantime i will ask for prayers. Blake has been vomiting a lot. like for 2-3 months now he throws up at least once a day- sometimes more.  The last 2 weeks have been odd, because 2 of the times he has had a fever, but in between those he went 5 days vomit free. today though- he vomited 3 times…. in-between those he decided to jump off his chair and whack his head on our brick around the fire place which ended in a trip to urgent care to get glued back together. not a good day.

we are exhausted. beyond exhausted. so tired from not only cleaning up vomit, vomit and more vomit… but from worry. is he getting enough food absorbed, is he getting enough fluid in between, what is causing this? could it be this or this? we have to keep taking him from daycare since he keeps vomiting there...

he has seen a GI doctor, had an upper GI, tried multiple reflux medications. all with no answers yet. he gets an endoscopy in a few weeks and then hopefully an allergist (for food allergy testing) at the beginning of the year. but until then we just wait. and keep trying to keep as much food in the body as possible. hope that he keeps some of it down. anything. we jump from trying to always feed him healthy this or that to just getting him to keep bland things down like bread and crackers.

please keep us in your thoughts. pray for healing. pray for answers. pray for us- patience and energy for the continued cleaning.

thanks, thanks and more thanks.

the dinkels

trying to have kids is serious business

i have been thinking about this alot lately, but you have to be one very tough chicks to try and make babies.

first off... there is the process of trying to get pregnant... so many people don't make it past this part without some kid of effort... i mean there will always be people that get pregnant super duper easy (which is a blessing and yay for them). but i have sooooo many friends that this is not the case. and why is it always the people the would absolutely make such amazing mothers? so many people get stuck at this part. the part where you wait and wait and wait to fill your arms with a sweet baby. where you try and try. plan sex. don't plan sex. eat this. don't eat this. have people tell you- oh well this worked for this friend... or this and that. you try and try and pray and pray and cry and cry. i have never been there but somehow i still relate to those struggling to hold a baby and wait. my heart has been there. yes it was different, but a woman yearning to hold a baby is a woman yearning to hold a baby. you have a mothers heart... no matter what. you cry and hope for that day to come.

next- which is what inspired this post- as i am so exhausted from my heart aching for so many of my friends. i have had far far too many friends in the past months lose their sweet babies. miscarriage just sucks. it sucks real real bad. you find out you are pregnant and at that exact moment of indescribable joy you all ready have ideas and a vision of your future with that baby. you love it all ready so much and can't wait to hold it in your arms. until that moment they tell you it will no longer be. again i haven't been there... yet i have. i remember that moment at 20 weeks when the rug was pulled out beneath us. where they told us that the sweet sweet baby we had been dreaming of a future with- would not have a future. that we wouldn't get to raise this baby. different but the same. you cry... real hard. more hard than anyone can describe. you blame yourself- that you did something wrong that caused this (which makes the experience so much more different than the dad) since you were the one growing that sweet baby. you lose sleep wondering what when wrong and when. wondering why God chose this path for you and what the heck is he thinking? why do I have to be the person for God to use in this way? why do I have to lose my baby when there are all these people in the world that do want theirs? either way, it is a tough tough road where you don't get to meet that baby you had been dreaming of and it is sucks. 

then you have those people that have a darling darling baby that has something wrong with it medically. these people life their whole life caring for a child in ways they never planned to when they tried for that bouncing little baby. i see this every day in my job. i can't believe how brave and strong these amazing parent are. sometimes it brings me to tears how awesome they are and how they are such better parents to me. they are so patient and loving (although i know they do not always feel it) but they are. these are the people that make the choice every day to get up and put someone else first in ways most of us can't imagine. this is not what they pictured but they are still so honored to have that child... just the way they are. although we didn't get to raise Sophia, I know it would have been a hard road but one I would take any day... if her dear little body could have withstood it. i can understand why people fight for their kids in that way and how hard those choices are to make.  

then beyond all this... if you make it that far. is the joy of raising healthy perfect children. which is no small feat either. it is a tough tough job being a parent. it is self-less, exhausting and hard in all kids of ways. you have to be a tough tough person to withstand it all. you have to be strong in your decisions and face scrutiny for why you do what you do. why do you breastfeed the way you do or give your kid formula? its a hard road only made harder by each other sometimes.

having babies is a tough tough job as you don't know what is ahead. as soon as you make that jump and decide to try for a baby you at Gods will and it is terrifying as hell. but you know why we all do it over and over?

because it is worth it. every single second. every day you get to carry that baby. every day you get to raise it (if you do). no matter where you are at in the process... it is worth doing. because God has placed that on your heart and will see you through it. because we are women and we can support and love each other through it. those of us that want to be mommies don't lose that desire to care for a child no matter what because the rewards are worth the risk. somedays with all the bad i think- man why would i ever want to try that again someday, cut my losses now and enjoy my wonderful boy. there are so many things that can, have and do go wrong...  but i won't. we will try again someday. i will put all my fears aside and pray for the strength to try again because it is terrifying to face the reality. (ps- not now... my baby is still a baby :))

hold your heads high ladies. remember how strong you are. remember there is a plan for you.  God hears the desires of your heart and wants nothing more for you than to see you basking in the joy of motherhood if that is your heart. i think you are all so brave and strong. i hope that people that are encountering all these situations can find the support and encouragement they need to go through these circumstances with hope and peace. 

proud to be a mommy. t.

ps- i don't mean to scare those that are trying or going to try someday. i just want you to know that no matter what happens. you are not alone. others have been there and are surviving it. and i don't want to sugar coat the process and make you think that what you are getting in to doesn't take some major guts and strength.