heart still aches

last week I was watching Grey's Anatomy, which surprisingly has always been a show that does so well portraying the loss of a baby. this last week- they had a mom with twins (spoiler alert) who had only one that was going to live. after the doctor does his best to try to save the other twin - and sees that it isn't going to live, he picks it up off the operating table and holds the sweet baby until he dies.  I don't know that doctors can or do this- but the mommy who lost a baby likes to think that they do. because we need that. we need to know that our babies lives matter and are real.


it immediately reminded me of the morning after Sophia was born. the hardest moment of my life has been that moment that I handed my baby over to the nurse to take her away. I had to hand over this sweet baby whose life had been entrusted to me for 37 weeks. who was alive and kicking right through her birth.  who I had planned on loving no matter what, but that was taken from us. she was our sweet girl!  I gave her one last kiss and hard look trying to memorize every little bit of her... from the curls on her head to her cute little toes. but I can't tell you how thankful I was to not have to put my baby on some cart to be wheeled off...  I got to hand my baby over to a nurse to hold and to simply carry her off wrapped up in her blanket and smelling like the freshly washed newborn that she was. who I hoped smiled at her and loved her all the way to her destination in the hospital. i hope that all the people who came in contact with her through the hospital, through the morgue/autopsy, through the funeral home- all took special care of her and loved on her just a tiny bit. i hope they all acknowledged her sweet life and carried her with them in their hearts just a little while- and maybe went home and hugged their full of life children so much harder that night.


i'm a hot crying mess today because someone very dear to me is going to have to do this today with their sweet baby. her darling girl is going to be born and they will have some time to love on her, but they will have to hand her off to someone, never to be seen on earth again. i can't tell you the ache and pain that this carries. all i know is that i have never experienced a pain in your heart so painful that it is physical. your arms literally ache to hold your child again. you think- how can i do this? how can i give away the most precious gift i have been given? but you do. and you carry that sweet baby with you forever. it's almost 5 years ago now that we held our first daughter Sophia in our arms. and although the pain has gotten easier to bear, it is still a big spot in my heart. tender and painful at times.


i have walked along a lot of mommas in the past 5 years (mostly friends and friends of friends) helping encourage and give them advice on how to say goodbye to their babies. i can't say it gets easier, as my heart truly aches for these mommas, but i love helping them love those sweet babies the best they can and making as many memories as they can- because in the end, that is all we have. sweet memories that hurt so much but are worth all the pain.


with it being infant loss awareness month... i have been praying every day for all my friends who have suffered loss. i know i don't talk about it a lot but i am still the momma to Sophia and am honored to walk with these mommas. i hope my sweet girl is welcoming them all to heaven- healed and waiting their for their mommas to hold them again.


t


if you care to give in honor of these sweet babies- I recommend www.stringofpearlsonline.org to help support those who support mommas all over country that are carrying sweet babies.

quick update

Gosh i haven't updated this in awhile! but boy oh boy have we been busy.

this sweet girl- Olivia Jane Dinkel joined our lives 12/3/14

the joy in our hearts to finally hold our sweet girl is immesurable.

from this…………………..to this in 7 short months.

Blake- almost 3, Olivia- almost 8 months

time has flown. Sophia's birthday came and went. we ALL went and celebrated it. now anytime we go to the mountains- Blake thinks we get cupcakes.

speaking of- that little guy is up already from his nap. so i must be done.

life continues to speed by. we are trying to enjoy the little moments and enjoy the fact we get to love 3 sweet kids. We can't wait to continue to tell these 2 about the one that came before them and changed our hearts for the better. 

we are so blessed.

-td

believing

well my sweet girl is due to make her arrival in to our lives in the next few weeks. (I am due 11/26)

i am filled with so many mixed emotions. it has been weird preparing for a girl again. but a good weird. i couldn't bring myself to use the bedding we had gotten when we set up a crib when I was pregnant with Sophia. so the room is a completely different room than the one we set up for her. which is good… it reminds me that we have a healthy baby girl that should get to come home with us. i did have a few outfits that we had bought for Sophia (mostly newborn- since they were the closest size we could guess that would fit her) that her little sister is now going to get to wear. that part i am really excited about.

AJ and i were talking the other day, that is still feels surreal that we will actually have a baby girl. we have prayed and hoped for a girl… well since before Sophia. helping with our niece Kami had set our hearts on a girl since we got married (6 years ago). so i think we are both just so over joyed that we have gotten the chance to do this again. all the pink is filling our house and hearts with so much love. now if that love can just continue to over power the fears and anxiety that we have- that something will happen and we still won't get to bring home our baby girl. all i can do is pray for peace.

speaking of praying… my heart has been filled with so much heaviness lately. as i have been walking alongside a friend who lost their baby half way through pregnancy due to a genetic abnormality and the pain that comes alongside giving birth and having to say goodbye so fast… it has reminded me of all the pain we went through- and how much that road just sucks. then yesterday i went to a String of Pearls Tea for fellow mommy's who have lost babies, i just feel overwhelmed with grief as we all shared our stories of loss. a group united in pain.

our topic in church lately has been Believing. last week was about trust and this week was believing God will provide.  i find my mind wandering when they talk and have these great people up to tell their stories of when they trusted in God and how he took care of them. i guess with all these events lately, all I can think about is these stories of when God doesn't answer your prayers. when us and all these other families learn that their babies have some fatal condition, and you and others pray so hard that he will heal or perform a miracle… and then he doesn't. this is something i have found peace in, and then at other times struggle with. it is easy for others to say to just believe, or read this book- it explains why God doesn't answer all prayers.  but until you have walked those roads and felt so betrayed by this thing called prayer… you don't know how hard it is to believe.

i was so overwhelmed with emotion today, i couldn't even sing the songs. my mind kept saying- where were you during those times? why did we have to be those moms that didn't get to talk of a miracle healing?  why didn't you meet our needs? where were you at the birth? and then the song Whom Shall I Fear come up and when i saw the verse-"The God of angel armies is always by my side" I had this sudden vision that they were there beside me, weeping with us when our sweet daughter was born and died. God and these angels were crying, not only for our pain, but joy at what a miraculous baby she was and all the people who were changed because of her. my plan for her wasn't the one He had for her. he saw her as a miracle baby. 

our story wasn't one of miracles that people tell… but our story was of faith. faith that God would carry us through and that he would use Sophia's life to teach us and others. and man oh man did she do that. i am not who i was 4 years ago. i have wounds that run deep, but those wounds allow me to care for others walking the same walk in a way that others can't understand. those wounds make me who i am. he did carry us through and continues to heal the pain from that time. i didn't expect that 4 years out, i would still continue to learn from Sophia's birth… but i do. my faith grows and i expect that holding this baby girl I am growing will be such an emotional day for us both. as we grieve and feel so full of joy at the same time. there will be tears of joy and tears of missing our first little girl. it will be just fine with me to cry for both at the same time. 

i know that even though i am not guaranteed a baby just because i have made it this far… i am choosing to believe that God will protect her and keep her safe… well after she is in our arms, being covered in kisses. i choose not to be afraid. i choose joy and to believe that these prayers will be answered. these needs will be met. 

next time i write i will be the mommy of 3 children. what a blessing and miracle.

-td

baby dinkel #3

we have been so blessed to have the opportunity to have another sweet baby join our family this coming november!

it has been a great pregnancy so far, not too sick and not as painful as Blake's pregnancy.

we found out this week that our new baby will be another…. GIRL.

As soon as they told us girl, I broke down in tears. happy tears. but ugly, couldn't stop crying tears.  i have waited 3 years to bring home a girl to raise. i don't think i fully realized how much it would mean to me to have another girl, but it really has been the final part of my healing that I was waiting for. 

when we found out Sophia was a girl, we were both so excited. but when we didn't get to bring her home, our hearts were so very broken. what little baby girl stuff i had gotten has been boxed up since then. waiting for the chance to use it someday...and that time has come.

my heart was filled with so much joy and yet pain during this ultrasound. pain that i should have a little girl at home all ready but I don't. that fear that last time we were told girl, then within minutes we were told the worse news of our lives. but this time… we heard girl… and then how incredibly perfect she looks. oh the joy. incredible joy.  answered prayers.

i am ready to dive in to pink and bows and all that fun that i hoped would fill our home and hearts 3 years ago when we had our first daughter. i know we have a long way to go (20 more weeks), but i can tell you i will enjoy the wait. pulling out what we had bought for sophia, in hopes that she would be one of those miracle babies. i will enjoy thinking about Sophia and wondering what traits her sister will have of hers.  just as we looked forward to with Blake, I can't wait to tell this little girl all about her big sister that came before her. 

i'll be praying for a healthy rest of the pregnancy for the both of us. and finding joy in all things girl for awhile… again. :)

a happy mommy- t

sophia- 3 years

my dear sweet girl, how has it been 3 years all ready since i last held you? your birthday came fast this year- your brother has kept us on our toes. gosh he would really like you. he smiles at older kids and follows them around.  when i watch him play with some of the kids that were born around the same time as you- i just imagine what it would be like for him to have an older sister to follow around… although he would have been bigger than you all ready. 

i miss you. i miss your sweet full head of hair. i miss your tiny tiny feet and hands…. and well every tiny thing about you. you were here but such a brief time, but hold such a big piece of my heart. 

i prayed to you for the first time this week. i don't know what i believe about angels and such. but i figured it was worth a shot when sweet harper was told she had an awful tumor. i asked you to watch over her and tell God to take special care of her. i have never done that before… and i'm not sure how that all works, but i figured if anyone has an in with God, it is you my dear. you see- since i had you, your mommy is such a worrier about other mommies and babies. i pray, i worry, and i hope that no one ever has to have bad things happen to them like we did. i pray no one cries those painful tears we had to. i pray no one's arms ache to hold their child like ours did. it doesn't always work… but oh when it does! i feel so much joy. thank you for that this week.

we bought a house this fall- i still haven't figured out where to put your stuff. i have little things all over the house. whether others know it or not, your presence is in every room. 

your daddy and i don't talk about you as much, but we both carry you with us in our own way. he misses you so much and although he can't say how much, i see it in his eyes and heart. your brother loves you too, he just doesn't know how much yet. we talk about you to him- i can't wait for the day he says your name back, which won't be that far from now. we told him that we are going to be celebrating you- i think he is mainly excited about the cupcakes i made to take you. i hope he continues to find joy and peace in this day. i hope he gets excited to take you your cupcake and read you a book. 

and well me. i love you and miss you. more than i could ever say. you are the one that made me a mom and you are the one that made me who i am today. a little broken and a little bit more whole.

i hope you and your friends have so much fun celebrating- if that is how it works in heaven. i added sprinkles to your cupcake because i thought a 3 year old would love that. i hope you do.

all our love.

-your family.

oh wee one. we love you.

my supplies for her cupcake

my rose cupcake (dairy and egg free might i add)

got them all boxed up and ready to go.

flowers for the birthday girl from our dear friends- jeff and marlee (and wyatt)

sweet christmas memories

look at me with like 3 blog posts in a row…. go me!

well christmas is quickly becoming my favorite time of the year.

i think my main reason is that it is the time of the year i actually feel like we are a family of 4. most of the year we appear to be a family of 3. but right now i get to bask in the idea that we have 4 family members. there are 4 stockings. there are 4 ornaments with names on them. there are ornaments for both my children on the tree. i get a little sad and a whole lot of happy. i love seeing Sophia stuff out everywhere… besides the stuff we keep out all year. this is the special stuff. the footprints. the ornaments that her nana and papa have gotten her from all over the world. she may not get to go to these places but they go and take a piece of her with them in their hearts. then bring her back proof that Sophia was with them.

our family ornaments. every one has one on my mom's side of the family.

i particularly love this ornament for Sophia. i think it is so accurate to her. so small and peaceful looking. it doesn't get much better than this.

anyway- i'm thankful it is christmas and then birthday time for both Sophia and I. tis a good time of the year. looking forward to making special memories with this guy. he is just a great kid.

hope this finds you enjoying your holiday season. finding joy and hope in unexpected ways.

love- the dinkels

EOE

well blake got his endoscopy (scope) and biopsy done before thanksgiving. we got the results this week.

before i get in to it- let me say that the endoscopy went well in terms of the procedure- but for a mother who has held a child who has died… then to hold your child as they go unconscious/lifeless with anesthesia… not good. i was not prepared for that. how that would shake me up not only that day but for a couple days. i didn't realize how that would trigger those feelings and bring back memories of holding sophia. if we have to do more of those, i will not stay in there for that again. i can't. thank goodness aj was there. my rock.

anyway- on to the results….blake has EOE which is what has been causing his vomiting. basically he has food allergies that are causing his body to build up a thing called eosinophils in his esophagus. so we are now seeing an allergist next monday to start testing for allergies.

at first i was like- okay- thats fine. we will test him and go from there. but the more i read and learn i am  a little bit of a mess. i am realizing what a long road this will be. not all food allergies show up with the skin test or the blood test. so most families have to go through elimination diets where you get rid of 6-8 of the most common allergies and then slowly add stuff in. it can be a very very long road. not only is it a hard thing to do, but even with us just getting rid of dairy, I am exhausted with looking at labels.  this is the kind of stuff that can drive you crazy… searching labels wondering what is causing him to throw up.

i'm sad. sad my boy will most likely have to fight this his whole life. sad he can't eat whatever he wants at birthday parties. sad my baby "has something". sad i don't have a healthy child.  i have had my pity party the past couple days.

i remember going through these stages of grief when we got sophia's diagnosis. sad we didn't' have the healthy perfect child we envisioned. then i started being okay with this. realizing that it could be worse.

i know i will get there soon. realizing that food allergies are not the end of the world, and it could be much worse. much much worse. we will make this work. he is such a happy healthy boy in so many other ways. we are fortunate because so far he is still a really good eater. and doesn't need a g-tube and isn't losing weight right now. i'm thankful that i have access to some good all natural stores to find foods he can eat.

i'm praying. praying for answers sooner than later. that our road isn't as severe as some that i have read about. that we are able to care for him the best we can.

thanks for letting me wallow a bit. sometimes you gotta do that before you can get up- pull up your big girl panties and move along. or in my case. go to bed so i can keep up with that adorable busy boy we are blessed to have in our lives.

EOE's biggest enemy- t