back to reality

well today's doctors visits all sucked. that pretty much sums it up.

first we met with the Neonatologist at our hospital we will be delivering at (Presbyterian St. Luke's). this was to find out what the plan is when Sophia is born. ie- how do they tell if she is going to make it? the basic answer- they don't. there is no quick way to tell if she is going to survive unless she comes out and just isn't looking good at all. from what it sounds like their plan is to probably intubate her (put a tube down her throat and help her breath with the help of a machine) and then see if she responds well to it or not. she responds well or is really trying to breath some on her own- great. she doesn't respond well when she is being assisted- we take the tube out and spend what time we can with her. meantime they will also do an x-ray of her chest to see how big it is. it is such a fine balance of us wanting to keep her with us and yet not wanting a poor quality of life where she is dependent on a machine to survive. us both being in the medical field know what that life would look like and that it is no way for a baby or anyone to live. we both feel a little more comfortable that we are all on the same page and the doctors want the same thing. they will do their best to help her and also help us decide what is best for her long term. this was a little hard for me, the further into the pregnancy i get the more i see my little baby and the thought of her having a tube in her throat breaks my heart. even though i am a nurse and have seen lots of babies in this condition and never thought twice, i am taken back. now its my little girl....

our next appt was just for me- i am doing well. i did lose about 8 pounds with the fluid removal. i am just having some headaches- so going back to my chiropractor to help me with my sore neck again.

the next appt (yes we had this many in 1 day) was our monthly ultrasound (I am 31 weeks). my fluid has gone from a level of 15 to 25, in 1 week. at this rate unfortunately this means i will probably have to have my fluid taken off in another 1-2 weeks (which i am very very disappointed in). we asked our dr again if she is worried about this- ie- should we be worried Sophia has swallowing problems? she said no, she thinks it is simply related to the fact that she is a dwarf and this sometimes goes along with that diagnosis. then we found out her limbs are now on a 10 week delay. so in the last four weeks she only grew a little. her ribs are now in the 2nd percentile now. this was a hard hit for both of us. me especially. lately i have just gotten really excited about Sophia's arrival, with all of these great baby gifts showing up I let myself get a little too excited and optimistic. this appt shot me down to the reality of our situation, which is that I may not get to bring a baby home with me. today was a tearful day for me. which i know is to be expected in this situation- there will be good days and bad days. and both are okay. she also states that our goal is to make it to 36 weeks- of course our goal is feb 8th- 39 weeks, but she wouldn't be surprised if we went early due to the extra fluid. i am now going to be getting weekly ultrasounds to measure the fluid level and stay ahead of the contractions. boo to more dr appts.

i apologize this isn't a happy post... but unfortunately it is our situation for now. i know our God is good and he can heal her. it is just hard when he doesn't and facing the reality of our pain.

prayer requests

- Sophia's growth and healing

- that the amniotic fluid accumulation slows down

- that i don't go in to labor until Sophia is ready

- that my body tolerates the constant changing of size with the extra fluid

thanks for your prayers. this was a good reminder how much they are needed.

all my heart- tristen