flowers and Zoe

so this past weekend nana and papa were in town visiting. since none of our family was here when we sprinkled Sophia's remains we coveted the chance to take them up to that mountain. it was the first time we have been up there since we were up there in February. i didn't know what feelings i would feel- but i just felt peace. i feel closer to her at home looking through pictures on my computer or watching the video of her birthday than up on the mountain/cemetery. nana came up with the great idea to sprinkle flower seeds up there as a sweet little marker of the spot. so daddy dug up the ground in that area and we all took turns sprinkling some seeds. i also took some seeds home and we are going

to plant some outside our house too. so we can watch them grow here

above is what we planted...

i don't know if i have mentioned this before, but we sprinkled her remains at Mount Lindo Cemetery (Olinger Chapel Hill Cemetery). it is on the top of a mountain just outside Denver. they have two sides- one facing into the mountains (where her remains are scattered) and then the other side faces Denver. the cross above is on the side of the mountain facing Denver. part of why we sprinkled her there is because you can see this cross that lights up at night that is at Mount Lindo from anywhere on the western side of Denver. we liked that when you look up there you can see the exact location. neat right?

of course after last week when i declared that i couldn't take the doggie search anymore because we wouldn't ever find a doodle mix and i was tired of crying over it. i looked on a whim before leaving work on wed. to my delight i found this cute little girl looking back at me. they thinks she is either a labradoodle or a Bouvier poodle mix, that is around 1 years old. we instantly fell in love with her along with loving that i didn't break out in hives. she is gentle and sweet. she was a stray and has obviously been someone's dog as she will go on run's with me and run right by my side. she is potty trained all ready and doesn't bark. AJ got her toys which she carry's around the house playing with. we are having so much fun with her. AJ just keeps saying how much he loves her and that i picked out a good doggie. her name is Zoe.

yep i put a bow in her hair! she was not a fan.

with her nemo toy.

i showed her a picture and told her about Sophia. i also told her that she cannot eat or destroy anything that is Sophia's or she will be in big trouble. she doesn't look she could do anything like that right ;o)

today i had a surprising sad moment-they sure like to sneak up on you. AJ was leaving for work and was telling Zoe bye, asking for a kiss and told her he loved her. i had a flash to what he would have been like with our daughter when he would leave for work. he would have been such a good daddy on earth to our daughter. he would have missed her and wanted pics through out his day of her. having Zoe has been nice- but it gives a painful reminder of how much joy Sophia would have brought to our daily lives. how there is a hole in our day to day moments where she is not here. that ache is still so fresh and painfully real. i knew getting a doggie wasn't replacing that pain. but it is a nice distraction. something to look forward to coming home to. someone to keep me company on the long hours that AJ works. she is a joyful presence in our home and adores all our affection.

this week marked 4 months since Sophia's birth/death. i wonder if this is kind of what people feel when you have another child after the loss of one. where you want to enjoy something new to love on, but you hold strongly to your child you lost. not wanting that child to be forgotten or over looked because they are not here to demand that attention. i am sure some day i will go through that and see what it is like. for now i find myself looking at more pictures of her for a sweet reminder of who came first and who holds such a big part of our hearts. and just for that you get another cute pic of our girl....

- tristen, aj, sophia and zoe