big things

life is interesting. that is what i think about it.

so today i stayed late at work, to play (aka- watch cartoons on a portable dvd player) with a patient, while the family was told this patient has gotten some unfortunate genetic tests back and the child has an ugly/bad diagnosis. as i sit there watching him laugh at the show and admiring his long eye lashes, i keep thinking he has such innocence about him right now. he doesn't know the road in front of him. he is just a sweet child. one that has seizures sometimes. one who's mommy and daddy love him so much they asked me to watch him so they didn't make him upset with their crying. one who just wants to live his life.

i often look back at pictures of aaron and i. one's from our friend's- abby and matt's wedding- where we had just found out we were pregnant. one's from our adventures over the years. one's where we look so happy and excited for our future. where we didn't know what was in store for us. that young hopeful look we had in our eyes. where i would never have dream that we would have a child with dwarfism- let alone a lethal type. one where we didn't know what struggles we would face in our marriage. i had this perfect picture of our life and where it was going.

and then God's steps in. and BAM! there goes my plans. i know i should know better.... when will i learn? well i am. slowly and painfully. but i am now. only out of utter defeat and brokeness. i guess that is what it took, unfortunately.

i kept thinking this thought while i sat with this patient. that i am sure they will remember everything about this moment. the room. the chair. the people. the drive home.

while watching the rain pour down the window i let my mind wander. wander all the way back to when i got Sophia's diagnosis. unfortunately i got it on a day i didn't expect it- i was all by myself for just a boring weekly appt. i pictured myself getting a call on the phone in the office. and then i picture myself crying on the floor in a back hallway in the hospital. how pitiful i must have looked, a very pregnant girl on the floor crying all by herself. trying to get ahold of my husband. the fear and sadness that must have been so apparent on my face... after realizing that my daughter now had a fatal diagnosis. that i really probably wasn't going to get to bring my baby home. that this picture i had always had in my head was not going to be.

not only was i thinking about this day. but the fact that God has bigger plans for me. and for this child.

i was reminded of this the other day while reading my devotional- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

"You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control. Instead of striving for predictable, safe lifestyle, seek to know Me in greater depth and breadth. I long to make your life a glorious adventure, but you must stop clinging to old ways. I am always doing something new within My beloved one. Be on the lookout for all that I have prepared for you."

patiently awaiting all that is in store for me. -t.d.