porch sittin

i'm sitting on my back porch- one of my favorite places to sit. well ever. it doesn't have to be mine, or necessarily the back porch... any porch will do. or patio for that matter. aaron likes to point out that because i am from the country i am a porch sitter. i prefer to think it just relaxes me to sit outdoors, particularly in the evening or morning. even more if i have a glass of pinot noir in my hand. i blame my mom and step dad for instilling this in me. i'm sure they gladly accept this blame.

but some of my favorite times have happened on porches/patios. when i was young, my friend molly, my sister and I would play barbies there. when i got older i would talk to boys there. when i was in young life- some great conversations or music listening would happen there. i got one of my first kisses from my husband there. i hung out with his family for one of the first times there. we said good bye to our chicago friends there. we would sit there when i was pregnant with sophia. we sat in the sun there in the days after she was born, soaking up the sun and hoping it would reach down and warm up our cold aching hearts. i found comfort there on my parents porch for my first mother's day. i have sweet dinner dates with my husband. i lay out in the sun there when i am afraid to show others my post-baby flabby body. i hide from my needy, attention seeking dog there. i read books and drink coffee sitting there. i find peace there. God meets me there.

even tonight as i sit out here, feeling exhausted physically and emotionally. i feel a sense of peace.  i know porch sitting doesn't sound magical. but sometimes it is. sometimes the slight breeze and perfect temperature is just right to calm you down and slow your thoughts.  this is exactly what i needed. even though i didn't know it, and was about to go sit on my couch and watch So You Think You Can Dance. instead i let myself be lead out here. God was calling me to spend some time with him. reminding me that the week we have been through is still under his care. that although aaron and i are both tired from grief and tears, some of it old and some of it new. we are still loved. we are feeling angry and frustrated with God. with his plans for us. that they aren't lining up with ours. that i wish i could be sitting out on my porch with my daughter on my lap. 

i haven't asked for prayers like we used to.... but we need them.

for aaron- as his grief has become fresh again. his arm's ache for his daughter. his heart hurts to be a daddy again. 

for me- i am having some issues with my thryroid, making me tired, emotional and over-all not myself. 

we are both just ready for some change and positive things to come our way. 

-the dinkel family