anyway. i wanted to share some news that gave us the ability to take a deep breath and help with our healing process. we had talked with our doctor on monday, as she had said- whenever you need reassurance that what you did was the right thing you call me. well in days since Sophia's arrival we have both had moments where we asked- did we do all we could? should we have intubated her? should we have pushed for them to do more? (medically we can both reason away why we did what we did, and that was what all the doctors recommended) but in our hearts we kept doubting... well on monday she gave us a pep talk and encouraged us that just by choosing to carry through with the pregnancy we gave her more of a chance than most people do. and that if we had chosen to do anything then the little time she did have we might have wasted on having her poked and proded. this gave us some gentle reassurance we did the right thing.
BUT- then on tuesday she went and reviewed the examination that was done on Sophia later that day. (we have her enrolled in research at The Skeletal Dysplasia Center at Cedar Sinai- so they needed some post death x-rays and such). when she talked with the pathologist to examined her- it was revealed that Sophia had multiple things wrong with her. not only was her chest small, but her tongue was attached to the bottom of her jaw and her trachea (the tube you breath through) was completely blocked off (it was malformed). so even if we had wanted to intubate her (give her a breathing tube) they wouldn't have been able to. this also explains why i kept building up the amniotic fluid- due to her not being able to swallow it. God made that decision for us when he made her, and took the responsibility of deciding what should be done away from us. such a relief of the burden to have to live with what kind of decision you made to save your child. knowing we made the best decision possible- not doing anything to her and just spending time holding her.
today may be the one week mark from when i got to meet and hold my daughter, but i give thanks.
-thanks that God is all knowing and in control. that he not only made my daughter perfect in her own way, but he has her and is loving on her so much better than i ever could.
-i am thankful i got to carry her as long as i did and get to know her that way.
-i am thankful for our family- that they could meet her and be there to support us then and they continue now.
-i am thankful they continue to show her pictures and are so proud of who she was.
-i am thankful for all the cards/packages we have received from people we know well and people we don't know well.
-i am thankful for people saying they will never forget my beautiful daughter.... because i know i never will.
today i am choosing to be thankful. it may not be an easy choice, as it is easier to sit on my couch in my tears and i may not make this choice many days, but i do today. i want to be thankful for where i am today, even in my pain.
in His grace-t
God chose you as her parents knowing you would make the decision to carry her to full term. He loves you so much!!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes we do not understand God's plans and directions for us. But like you said,God is in control, not us, and only He knows what is best for us and how to use us in His plans.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you, since my family has been in a similar situation and we will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer.
Dear Tristen,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that reading your words brought tears to my eyes as well. I so understand that sense of "wondering if I've made the right decision." It is abundantly clear to me that God gave you that gift of knowing that you did exactly the right thing regarding Sophia. I pray that has helped to release you from that part of the grieving.
I heard recently that the tears of grief have a different chemical make-up from those of others. It stands to reason that our God would create us that way. He is so very wise.
Your words of thanks are particularly touching to me. That you can even in the midst of your pain see those glimmers of goodness says so much about the depth of your faith. I know that God honors that. In a book I read recently the author talked about the healing power of praising God. Her suggestions were so similar to yours. Even in the most difficult times we can praise Him because:
~While our circumstances change, He does not
~He never leaves us
~He is with us in this moment and He stands in our tomorrows as well
~He is the wisdom we can lean on when we have none of our own
~His love and compassion never fails (I especially like that picture of God being compassionate towards us.)
We must choose to keep operating in the soverignty of God. Truly, you are doing that. Know that I continue to lift you and your whole family up in prayer. Embracing grief is such a difficult road, but so very necessary. It is one of those things you can't go over or around. You must go through. May God wrap His loving arms around you in the most tender way.
Amy Billings
Yet this short time of distress will result in
ReplyDeleteGod's richest blessing upon us forever and ever! So we do not look at what we can see right now, the troubles all around us, but we look forward to the joys in heaven which we have not yet seen. The troubles will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever. 2 Corn. 4:17-18
AJ & T
ReplyDeleteYou are two very, very special people. You nurtured and cared for Sophia long enough to get her to the point when God, the "ultimate healer" was ready to take her back. He knew he could trust you two to take care of His precious child while she was on this earth and you served Him well. Now I know you, as well as I, long for the day when we will see her and hold her once again. In the meantime, God will hold her close and nurture her until you, and I, can see her again. She is in good hands.
In the meantime, may the Holy Spirit comfort you both for your good and faithful service.
May Peace be with you.
Love,
Dad
Tristen & AJ, I don't know you AJ but I've known Tristen for most of her life and you are a very lucky man to have such a strong woman as your wife(you already know that). My heart breaks for you both, but God in His infinite wisdom chose you to be Sophia's parents and I can't imagine anyone facing such a tragedy handling it with grace,courage, and compassion for the people around you when deep inside you were falling apart. I am praying for your family and take care of each other. God bless you!
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