our first real outing

so thursday we went and got to spend some extra time with Sophia and say our final goodbye. this was something we originally had decided we wouldn't do, as we didn't want to see her and ruin any memories we had with her at the hospital (with her looking more discolored). but the more we thought about it- the more i kept thinking- gosh who could turn down holding their child more? my arms were aching to hold her again. and boy are we both so very glad we decided to do this. she actually looked better than she did at the hospital. plus- we weren't sleep deprived from being up for over 24 hours and feeling rushed to spend what little time we had with our daughter. and i hadn't just given birth.

we were able to walk in there clear headed (as much as you can be after you lose a child) and focused. i had spent time in the week since last seeing her thinking how i hadn't looked at all her details because i was just trying to take in the fact she was mine and how pretty she was. so this time i spent time taking in her details- her little finger nails, her eye lashes, her soft red hair, her small little chin, her wrinkly feet, her small arms and legs. we spent time crying over how beautiful she is and how cute of kids we make. how she would have been such a joy to raise- a spunky red head who was small but would have had a big personality. how blessed we were that with all her deformities, she was so perfect looking on the outside. (back when we bathed her after her birth we had used a certain scented lotion- and everything she wore or was wrapped in smells like it still) so i put that lotion on that morning, so that it continues to be a smell that when we smell it- we think of her. (thank you String of Pearls for this idea) when i want to think of her or feel close to her i can wear this lotion and think of Sophia.

another idea that we took away from SOP is to put Sophia's foot prints in our bible when she was born. this i liked, but didn't realize its importance till we went to church this morning. i knew church was going to be hard- as worship music has always been such an important thing to me. and when i was pregnant it could make me cry on a fairly consistent basis after we found out Sophia's risks. so today i knew i would be tearful- and i was. i couldn't sing, but just sat there and let other's lift up their voices for me and let it surround me like a warm comfortable blanket. then as we sat down to listen to Duane's message, all i could think was- wow, last time i was here i was very pregnant and i should be sitting her with a newborn in my arms today. instead i have empty arms and an empty belly. my cup feels very empty as well... i feel like i have nothing to give right now. then i opened my bible- and saw her foot prints and touched them and thought- well at least i have part of her here with me. it helped me regroup and make it through the rest of the service.

aaron and i did have a good day on saturday- we went on our first date since everything happened. a friend had given us seats to the local NHL team- the Avalanche- game. so we went to that game and then went out for sushi afterward. generally it was a good time, i could have an adult drink and some raw fish, neither i could have for the past 9 months. it was nice to laugh and enjoy some time out of the house with my husband. yet- i kept thinking that we shouldn't be here, we should be at home taking care of a newborn baby, i would much rather be sleep deprived and exhausted but blissfully happy to have my daughter at my side. but i tried focusing instead on the fact that i get to spend more time with my husband, strengthening our marriage now. i'm sure everyone experiences these feelings after loss- where you are in public and just want to scream- please be nice to me, don't you know my whole world has crashed? don't you know my daughter just died? it feels weird to be in public where life continues as before for everyone around you. and you feel changed. you feel different and people should notice. but they don't. they can't. and in reality you wouldn't want everyone to know. it's nice to be just another face in the crowd where people don't expect you to be sad.

well this week aaron goes back to work- please pray he doesn't get any calls with patients that are pregnant or sick babies (those were hard when i was pregnant and will be hard for awhile yet). this week i will be going through the nursery- returning stuff that we don't need (preemie sized clothes or diaper cream that will expire before i would use it) and packing up baby stuff to store for our next child. we will turn the nursery back in to a guest room till we are ready to try for a baby again. please pray for our continued pain- we both are really wanting our daughter back right now and missing her so much. we are also going to get a dog this week- something we were going to do before baby but never did. it will be nice to have something to pour this love we had saved up in to, give our attention to and make our quiet house not so quiet. we also booked our vacation- we are going to Cancun in a few weeks- to relax on a beach, drink, eat and generally get away. i'm excited to just get away and regroup before i officially go back to work the beginning of march. anyone have any really good book recommendations? (i like a good fiction)

taking it day by day- t.