my due date

this week has been a little better than the last- as to be expected, that time will help heal. yet tears continue to make their arrival in the most unexpected times. like today in the card aisle in Wal-Mart. if you know me and my mom- we are card people. we love buying and sending cards to each other for not only holidays but anything in between. today i was there contemplating buying v-day cards and the tears came. the ones that reminded me that i was looking forward to sending cards to sophia's grandma from her. the ones that reminded me i was looking forward to getting aj cards from his daughter. yes i know i could still send them, but it is different now.

i hate when tears sneak up on you and get you when you least expect it- about things you forgot about or don't expect to make you that sad. it has been these little things this week that have got me starting a cryfest. my sweet niece- Kami- who never met sophia but saw all kinds of pictures of her said- "i miss baby sophia. i hope God teaches her to crawl and walk". yep. that got me good. that a sweet little 3 year old even misses my beautiful daughter. really if i sit and think about it at all in depth i cry. or if i find that i haven't thought about her all day- i cry- feeling bad that i haven't thought of her. it is weird when you have never been a parent and you lose your first child. especially one that you only got to spend a short time with, as i never have really felt like a mommy. yes i know i am a mommy now, but when you only get to hold a child for a short time that you are told is yours, it still doesn't feel real. my heart aches for her and tells me i am her mommy, but my empty arms make it hard to feel real. my life has completely changed, yet it hasn't. my house doesn't look any different, although we have pictures around of her. my routine isn't going to be different. i will be going back to work full time and my time is still my time. i was soooo ready for my life to revolve around a little baby's schedule and needs. i was ready for that sacrifice- well as much as anyone can be... so living my life in the day to day that very much resembles the time before i was a mommy makes it hard. i find that i constantly need to either look at her picture or wear one of my pieces of jewelry that says sophia on it every day. it helps me feel closer to her and feel more like a mommy- like this really all did happen and she was actually here.

i think my tears were ready to come today as it was suppose to be my due date. it is the last of the suppose to be happening type dates (like monday was the day i was suppose to be induced), and i am ready to be past those. they are painful reminders of what was suppose to be. today reminds me of the joy i felt back in june when we went to our first dr appt to confirm the pregnancy and got today as our due date. the one where aj was so proud of how quick he got me pregnant when we had just started trying. the time where we felt endless joy and hope about this baby and blessed to have gotten pregnant so quickly. where we were still really excited and had no reason to think otherwise. i was more worried the baby would be born on valentines day and i didn't want he or she to share that holiday with their birth. we joked we would have birthday parties on valentines day and charge the parents to baby sit their kids. oh! how little did i know i would have much bigger worries when we found out our news in September. that no pregnancy ever again would be carefree for us. we will now always be cautious and weary of the fact that babies do not always come home with you. bad things can and do happen to people. i hope that we can at least enjoy future pregnancies a little more than this one... even if that means just the joy of getting to have a baby shower and when people comment on my tummy in public i don't have to fake enthusiasm about the baby coming. the funny part is that lately i find myself worried and anxious for those of my friends that are pregnant right now- which are a lot of them. i find myself praying harder than i ever have for their babies- that they will be healthy and that their pregnancy/birth goes well. i want no one to ever have to go through what we have. when my friend gave birth in december i found myself holding my breath till i knew he had arrived and all was well. i have officially become the pregnancy prayer warrior through all this.

yesterday we boxed up the nursery and most of my maternity clothes. no- i don't quite fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes, but maternity clothes make me sad. it reminds me of the time i still felt my daughter kicking and moving and had a cute little belly to carry around. i was thinking the other day how thankful i am for all the ultrasounds we had to have- as i got to see Sophia do all the cute little baby things- like sucking and playing that i didn't get to see her do when she came out. we got to know her best during those times. she was lively and active when i was carrying her inside me and i am thankful for those memories. anyway- so boxing up the baby stuff wasn't as bad as one would expect. i just put on my game face and did it. i couldn't let myself think about it too much, or it wouldn't get done. i had to just detach and do. i'm glad aj was around, as he hadn't really looked at the baby stuff when i was pregnant so when he helped put it away we got to smile over how cute it all was. as some people got us baby stuff when i was pregnant even though i didn't have baby showers, we have a good little stock for our next baby and although some of it may make us sad when we get it out again- most of it is unisex and we don't have "sophia memories" attached to it. anything that was hers (like knit hats, italian booties, blankets made for her specifically)- we put in her own box of memories. that will stay out on a shelf for us to pull out anytime we want to go through it. we will try again for another baby by the end of the year, as we both are very ready to be parents and it does take a good amount of time to grow them :o) so we know that this stuff is packed away for now, but not forever.

wednesday i started working out again- well so far i am only allowed to walk. so i have been going to the gym with friends to walk and also lift some free weights for my arms. gives me something to do and something to start working on getting my body back. i have lost 20 lbs since giving birth- now i just need to lose about 20 more. i was hoping to breastfeed to help get this weight off- but since i won't be doing that, i have to do it the old-fashioned way- eating right and working out. bummer.

thanks again to everyone who had brought, sent and/or made us meals. they have been great to not have to worry about cooking or more the work of cleaning up after cooking. just wanted to give you all another thank you again as i have someone dropping off stuff here in a bit from our church's care team. thank you Deer Creek Church for supporting us so well at this time. God certainly knew what was in store for us when he lead us straight to you when we moved out here.

lovingly- tristen