5.5 weeks

i hadn't realized i haven't posted in awhile. it is amazing that time can still fly during this kind of time of your life.

well-we went to spread Sophia's ashes. i must note- nobody tells you that ashes are not really ashes. i don't know why people call them that. they are cremated remains... and that is exactly what they look like. kind of. they are more pebble like versus ashes. interesting. anyway. the place we sprinkled her is a cemetery on the side of a mountain out here. at night they have a lit up cross there, which you can see from anywhere on the west side of denver. they have a "scattering garden" which i expected to be an actual garden in the summer, but is only a rock garden (not even with pretty rocks, but gravel looking rocks). needless to say- we were rebels and scattered her on the side of the mountain instead. there were a few tears but some laughs- as scattering remains is kind of weird. especially when it is windy. i felt bad not feeling more emotional about it, but when you know your loved one is with God and the body is not who she is, then you just don't feel as attached. i prefer to think of her as i last saw her and not what i was scattering.

our trip to Cancun was relaxing. it was good. not great. though any other time in my life i am sure i would have said it was wonderful trip. the trip did start off with us magically getting upgraded to First Class for our first flight! thank you God for that little treat! we laid on the beach, we drank and ate, then we laid out by the pool, drank and ate some more. the only thing we did was ventured out to a cigar bar and Margaritaville, and i swam with the dolphins at our resort. in between there were some laughs and some tears. it felt weird having fun, i definitely struggled with feeling guilty with having fun, feeling like i shouldn't be when we have been through what we have. the other hard part was seeing families there together. i kept thinking- gosh i won't ever get to take her on a family vacation. i won't ever get to see her cute little naked butt in the sand or put her in a cute little girlie swimsuit. if i could do the trip over again, i would definitely do a trip to a place with no kids. babies don't bother me as much, since i have seen Sophia as a baby. it is the little toddlers that get me, as i didn't get to see her at that age. it would have been nice to just not see them all around.

the trip was great to make us slow down and just kind of face our emotions and feelings. we had gotten so busy before we left, and this was a nice slow down. especially since we were there for the 1 month mark since we met Sophia. i watched the video of Sophia's birth and the time around that for the first time since it all happened. there was some crying- that mostly being due to the fact i was able to step away from the birthing experience and see how hard it all was on our loved ones. hearing and seeing them cry was incredibly hard. my heart breaks at how sad they were. i spent so much of that time as a patient and strapped to the bed that i wasn't able to pay attention to anything else. my head was wrapped up in what was going on down bellow on me and my baby girl. the video allowed me to see things i couldn't be there for- like the doctors working on her as soon as she came out and her getting her first bath. so many of my memories of those hours is through pictures due to being out of my mind with just giving birth. so the video gives life to the memories/pictures. it gives me more time with Sophia. it shows me being a mommy and reminds me that i was. and a great one at that. it shows us holding her and moving her around. it just gave me so many more memories- what a blessing.

I have been doing a devotional for parents grieving the loss of their baby called- Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. it has been very therapeutic and helpful. it gives me something specific to journal on each day, along with scripture to read. i have been journaling alot, along with reading Job, which has been nice and probably why i haven't blogged. i used to journal a lot before i got pregnant, but had stopped. but i didn't want to be pouring out every feeling on here, i want to share what it is like going through this, but it would be hard for me to write what i think almost every day, which is- I want my baby back. i don't say that with tears anymore, but i still feel it down to my core. and i know that would be hard to read over and over from an outside view.

getting back from our trip, my best friend Evangeline came to visit, which was also therapeutic. a girl needs her best friend in times like this. it has been healing to just talk and talk and talk. laugh, cry, go shopping and drink a glass of wine or two. show pictures of Sophia and talk about her birth. talk about the pregnancy, talk about marriage. god bless best friends. they help heal your heart. there is beauty in friendships like that. they don't come easy and they don't come often.

i start work on tuesday. i am ready as i will ever be to go back. the hardest thing is knowing that i am going back to be full time again for another year or more. that was one thing i hadn't mentally prepared myself that part of this situation. i was really looking forward to being a mommy and staying home to love on a baby, while only working part time. even though i knew it was a big chance i might not be bringing a baby home, i didn't think about the work side of this all. work has been so very supportive through all of this and i couldn't have asked for anything better. i am so blessed to work in the department i work in, with the wonderful people i work with. they are seriously great. i just need to realign my expectations for awhile. if you have to go back to any job, i am lucky it is this one. i have a much more compassionate view for families that i work with ( i work as an RN in Pediatric Neurology, at an outpatient clinic at The Children's Hospital) with them being scared of something bad happening to their children. As i know the fear well, the pain that comes with the worst thing happening. I hope that my compassion comes through my nursing. i also have much more compassion for having a child with special needs. although i didn't get to experience that on a full scale, i did gain a bigger understanding and patience for those families. that is one thing i know i will be walking out of this experience with- a bigger heart for disabled children than i all ready had. especially those with skeletal dysplasia.

-our prayer requests-

- pray for tristen and her re-entry into work, that it goes well and she doesn't feel overwhelmed

- pray for our healing hearts and pain

- pray that we get Sophia's final diagnosis back quickly so we can start the genetic testing before try getting pregnant again.

- pray for aaron that he gets hired with a fire department.

thank you for still praying for us and caring for us. we are forever in debt to you. please make sure to let me know when or how i can be praying for you. i find it easier to pray for you than me.

lovingly- tristen