yucky week

well let me review my week with you.... i worked 5 days in a row then went to a conference for work for another 4 days after that. on my way home from the conference i learned that our deep freeze had stopped working and aj had to throw away a lot of the food in there (i absolutely hate hate hate wasting food). then on my 1 day off before going back to work, we tried to adopt a dog- i got hives (ill talk more about this in a second), i did our taxes and we have to pay money for the first time ever, and now one of my best friend's calls me and tells me she has been told the plane they think her fiance was on got shot down when flying home from his deployment. this week = crap

i made the mistake this week thinking i was doing better emotionally than i am. at my conference for work- i tried going to a session titled "Supporting families with withdrawing care", thinking i could use our experience to help other families, as unfortunately we have to advise families we care for to do that when the child is not going to get better. thinking- well i have been there and had to make that decision for our child. well 10 min in to that presentation i had to leave, as tears were pouring out of me. as they presented a slide on how families feel- and every word has described how it felt, i figured- well im not done going through this and i don't think i will be ready for awhile to help others. it was a nice thought... but i can't do that in my nursing yet. work and home need to be separate for my emotional sake.

so our attempts the past few weeks to get a dog have been unsuccessful for a number of reasons. first- we couldn't get anyone we called to give us a call back. so we decided to just start animal shelter hopping to look at dogs. then we would find one we liked and people wouldn't let us adopt it "if they didnt think we were a good fit". then we finally found 3 dogs that we liked, but i am allergic. i keep breaking out in good sized hives when we spend time with a dog. we even tried changing shelters to see if was just something on the dog. all of the dogs were Boxers or boxer mixes. So we could try and change breeds. as much as i want a dog, i hate to keep "trying dogs out" and getting hives over and over. the weirdest part is that i have never been allergic to dogs in my life. i even just dog sat for a friend when i was pregnant for 1 week in our own house and didn't have any problems. i called my ob's office and asked if they have heard of people getting new allergies post pregnancy and they said no. but when i google it, i find alot of other people having this problem.

for some people, learning you are allergic to a pet might be no big deal. but for me- this brought alot of tears and frustration. i want to love on something. i can't have my baby so i thought i could at least get a dog and love on it. not only am i sad but i feel very betrayed by my body. i know it is unreasonable, but i feel angry my body isn't doing what i expect it to lately. it doesn't make a healthy baby, it gets hives. even more than just me being sad, i am upset i am taking this from aj. he wants a dog pretty badly too. we were not only hoping for something to love on, but something to throw ourselves in to training and keep us busy for awhile. our next option is to think about getting some kind of doodle (labradoodle or goldendoodle or such... i vote for a sheepadoodle). but these dogs are pricy and cost between $800 and 1500. which i don't know if we are ready/able to make that kind of investment. we will see.

my heart and brain hurt. i am done with this week.

i dont know if this is normal for other mom's who have lost babies or not, but i keep having baby dreams. dreams i have a baby, i have adopted a baby, my baby has died or i am pregnant with a baby. last night was a pregnancy one- where i was pregnant again, but i was showing way too early and worried that i had extra amniotic fluid again. weird i know. these dreams basically are horrible in all different ways. the ones i have a baby- i wake up and realize i still don't have my darling baby. the ones i don't have a baby- i wake up and realize i still don't have my baby and can't even get away from that fact while i sleep. the ones i am pregnant- i wake up and realize i am not pregnant and won't be for awhile. no wonder i am still having sleep problems. yikes.

Sophia would be 8 weeks old now. i would know her likes and dislikes. i would have spent countless sleepless hours with her. what i have been missing this week is the touch. i wish i could just touch her hair again- it was seriously so thick and soft. i have yet to see a baby since who has a better head of hair. i hope one of our other children have hair like her. or her soft soft skin. i had a patient this week that had beautiful red hair, i complemented on how beautiful it was and the parent said- "you can take it and the attitude that comes with it". i had to walk away before i said - " i would take it a million times over to have my red head back and any amount of attitude that comes with it". speaking of red....

i don't know if i mentioned it, but my co-workers/dept collected money after Sophia died and got a wagon in her name. patients use these to get around in our hospital. above is a picture of the plaque on the wagon. i love seeing Sophia's name- it validates her existence to me and makes me feel like she was here. the last time i saw her name on a plaque was at the funeral home... i prefer to see it here instead. i am so lucky they thought of honoring her this way. love it.

i went to add this picture from vacation as a little pick me up. thinking aww i love my husband, but unfortunately i am having a tough week, so my first thought is that we are missing someone in this picture. along with every picture we take for the rest of our lives. yet if you look hard enough you can see her etched in our hearts forever more.

t, a & s