mother's day = hanging plants. yep! my husband got me one!! isn't it bright and pretty?! just my kind of flower. not only did he get me that but he treated me to dinner, got me roses and got me a ruby necklace (sophia's birth stone color). he did good. i am so lucky to have him. i also was blessed to be able to last minute be able to spend time with my mom, sisters and friends. blessed that i was feeling a better after a bought with sickness. my sisters, mom and i went to the spa for some relaxation. spent my short time with them in the sun relaxing and sitting on the patio drinking wine. a perfect way to spend my first mother's day. i made it with less tears than expected. i cried on my drive from the air port. (far too much time to think and sad that i wasn't bringing my daughter home to where i grew up or introducing her to my friends to coo over how cute she is) i cried about my friends baby shower. (sad i didn't get to have my own baby shower). i cried the night before mother's day. (sad i wasn't able to spend the day with my husband- who was working- and with my daughter as a family) mother's day- i didn't cry. oddly enough. i was prepared for it but it didn't come. this was just like Easter. i was more anxious and sad before the actual holiday. weird.
i got some great cuddles from this guy down here- my nephew Bryer who was attached to my side. he is such a sweet boy, full of love for my sweet little girl. he is the best. he and my niece listened to the "Sophia" song we played for Sophia before she came and danced around. my niece said "are you going to have another baby some day?" i said yes. she said "okay". hops down and walks off like it is no big deal. i wish it was that easy.
i have forgotten to mention this. but we are still patiently awaiting our genetic results. Sophia's info was suppose to be sent out the week after she was born, but it accidentally didn't go through the email (Dr A thought maybe the file was too big). so when i called to check on it after a few weeks they realized the mistake and re-sent the info to The Skeletal Dysplasia Center in LA. We got confirmation a few weeks ago that they got every thing and would review it. so now we are just waiting. if it the diagnosis we originally got- we will not have to get genetic testing on us (because it is something you have to have to pass on, and you can't live to pass it on). if it is something else- we will talk with some genetic counselors at my work to figure out where to go. it may take awhile to figure out that route. so we are praying that Sophia does indeed have what they diagnosed her with before. part of me just wants to trust God with his plan for us and our future children. but part of me also needs to make an educated decision. i could not go through this again. i would be so broken losing another child.
i have forgotten to mention this. but we are still patiently awaiting our genetic results. Sophia's info was suppose to be sent out the week after she was born, but it accidentally didn't go through the email (Dr A thought maybe the file was too big). so when i called to check on it after a few weeks they realized the mistake and re-sent the info to The Skeletal Dysplasia Center in LA. We got confirmation a few weeks ago that they got every thing and would review it. so now we are just waiting. if it the diagnosis we originally got- we will not have to get genetic testing on us (because it is something you have to have to pass on, and you can't live to pass it on). if it is something else- we will talk with some genetic counselors at my work to figure out where to go. it may take awhile to figure out that route. so we are praying that Sophia does indeed have what they diagnosed her with before. part of me just wants to trust God with his plan for us and our future children. but part of me also needs to make an educated decision. i could not go through this again. i would be so broken losing another child.
other than all this. i am doing well. i am going through what i hope is just a phase. a phase of grief i believe is missing from the stages- JEALOUSY. i am jealous of others that get to have babies and keep them. actually pretty much any one that is pregnant, has a baby or recently had a baby. i probably should take a break from facebook. looking at all these happy parents posting pics of their cute babies or nursery's is hard. i find myself angry or jealous. i can't determine which one. it is like i am a glutton for punishment looking at them over and over. even our bible study has been hard to attend, as EVERY couple there has a baby or is expecting one. last week looking around at everyone holding their cute little babies or growing them- my arms felt very very empty. i love our friends with all my heart and am so happy for them all, but i am glad for our summer break. i am glad to have time to get past this phase. until it comes around again...
i also want to ask for prayer requests- jobs are potentially opening up for AJ and I ask that people be praying for God to bless him with a firefighting job. he is so passionate about the dept he volunteers for and we would be so blessed for him to get on there. not only would he have the chance to do something he loves- but he could provide for our family someday while i work less to take care of our children.
thank you for continuing to care and pray for us.
lovingly- tristen
How exciting that AJ has some job possibilities. I will definitely be praying about that.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean about the actual days sometimes being anticlimactic--I've had that happen, too. The build-up is often the more difficult part. Well, you've got several milestones behind you, two of them being the most difficult--your due date and Mother's Day.
Hmmm--you're right. Jealousy isn't an official stage of grief, is it? I can completely relate to the jealousy part--my sister-in-law got pregnant right around the time we lost Brandon. It was very difficult for me and I confess I didn't handle it all that well. But it did pass and I love my niece.
And pregnant women and babies seem to be everywhere when you are grieving the loss of a baby. Hang in there, Tristen. We're still praying for you. Love you!!
Just now getting around to reading this!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say about the getting over the jealousy phase, because believe it or not I still have it too. It is better than what it once was, but it's still there. I think i'm mainly jealous of the innocent, happy pregnancy i'll never get to experience again while it feels like everyone else gets to. i'm jealous (and not that I would wish it on anyone) that most people don't have to experience losing a child and they seem to just "pop right out." I hate that I was picked for this. I'm jealous that it took us years of trying to get pregnant, losing a baby and then having to try again when it seems easy for everyone else. I know these things aren't all necessarily true, but the feelings still creep in from time to time.
When I lost Jackson, it felt like everywhere I went multiple people were pregnant and babies where a dime a dozen, so I just tried to limit my outings for awhile -- it was just so upsetting.
This probably didn't help you at all, but my point is all your feelings are normal and you should never feel guilty for those feelings! You guys are so strong and inspirational to others! We continue to pray for you and hope AJ gets the firefighting job!!!
Tristen,
ReplyDeleteYour jealousy is certainly not abnormal. I feel jealous as well because of the health problems I am having that mean I will probably not have another baby or that my pregnancy/mothering will be much different than my first, though nothing like you have experienced. I am jealous when I look at other moms who seem to keep having happy, healthy babies long into their 30s and 40s. I know that will never be me. So don't feel bad about the jealousy. Acknowledge it or it may never go away. I will certainly be praying for this struggle because I know it's not fun. I have been praying for you two(and three) for a long time and think of you often. I hug my little guy tighter because of it. I know it's hard to watch your plans go down in flames(I feel like this is the story of my life) but I have come to realize that God's plans are so much bigger and more fulfilling than I ever could imagine. I'm sure you will look back years from now and see in some way why all this happened in your family. Just know you have been such an inspiration to me and to countless others. Thank you for your strength and honesty.
k.a.t.
Jealousy has been a big one for me...several people I know had due dates right around mine, so that was hard. And yesterday my husband's brother and his wife were down with their 4 month old to be baptized..I didn't go (had a good excuse but I wouldn't have gone anyway). Not ready to do that. But then Ken's parents took everyone out to lunch afterwards so I met them there. That wasn't too bad until Autumn ran over to see the baby and started kissing him and singing songs to him...I immediately imagined how much she would have LOVED being a big sister.
ReplyDelete