good friday.... not so good....today my Jesus died for me and in 3 days he rose so that someday i can see my beautiful daughters face again. i have never been that in to Easter, except when I would go home and color eggs and drink margaritas/corona with the Nagel/Brown family. this year takes on a whole new meaning to me. i am tearful today, as it is coming on my first holiday without my little girl. i am kind of a mess and i haven't even gotten to the holiday yet. not only is it a holiday but we are 3 months out from her arrival. she would be smiling and such a little person now. i wish i could have gotten to know her little personality. even for a few minutes. i wish i was putting her in a little Easter dress (although Aaron pointed out that none of them would probably fit, but i would put her in them anyway) and putting out her Easter basket full of things she wouldn't need.
my hope is torn- i feel full of hope, thanks to what He did for us, that I get to see her again. Yet, i'm sad. last year at this time, i was hoping to be a mommy taking care of a baby. i was hoping to fill this ache in my heart. instead i have a bigger one that hurts more than i can say. i also have hope that this will get easier year to year. that i still keep her in my heart but it doesn't feel so heavy. i have hope i have will more children to fill up my quiet home and my empty arms, God willing. not only do i have hope for me, but i have hope for our family. i hope their pain continues to heal, as i know they loved Sophia deeply. i hope this never happens to our family again. most of all i hope my daughter knows how much we love her and miss her. how perfect she was to us in everyway.
please pray for us. our sadness and continued pain. thank you.
may you find joy and peace this holiday, even if i cannot right now.
-t
You are such a beautiful mommy. Sophia knows how much she is loved and how lucky she is to have you and A.J. as parents. The hole in your heart is so painful, I know. Cry as much as you want, and hold on to your bit of hope! Maybe Jackson and Sophia are celebrating Easter together in Heaven!
ReplyDeleteSaw your comment on my blog and came over to visit.
ReplyDeleteI remember all of this so vividly. Mother's Day, Easter, and Christmas were probably the 3 hardest for me as we walked this journey you are walking now.
Even yesterday as I listened to the sermon in church I went back there. The sermon was very fitting for our journey though. It was about fear.
The pastor started the sermon talking about that moment. Moments that are burned in our memory. You and I along with our husbands probably all immediately go back to that moment when someone says something like that.
Anywho, I'm rambling but I wanted to tell you I am here if you ever need to chat. Thanks for stopping by the blog. ((Hugs))
This seems like a good time to let you know that we've been praying for you for quite a while, and sure don't plan on stopping anytime soon. May you find a moment or two of the peace that passes all understanding...
ReplyDelete