painful gift

lately i have felt far from God. not apart, just far. my heart aches. i know that he is right beside me wanting me to fall into his arms. i am fearful, anxious and sad. that is just where i am. today's sermon at church was aimed straight in to my heart and i cried the tears to prove it. (if you want to listen to it click here, and choose the sermon from 4/2/11 when it is available) it was all about the fact that suffering is a gift from God and that God has a plan for the suffering we go through. I have known that God will use Sophia's death for things bigger than I will ever know, it is just hard trying to have hope and praising God for this gift. losing sophia was a gift i didn't want. i am clinging to the promise Jesus has made to me more desperately than ever. i do have hope that my little girl is completely healed and is playing in the streets of heaven with Brandon, Jackson and Pearl. being loved on by her grandparents- Lois, Rosemary and Lawrence.

though all ready I have been told of different ways that God has used her short life for bigger things. he has used her story to: helped a college girl decide to go into Neonatology for a profession, helped give a woman who lost her sweet boy find more closer a few decades later, had people praying to God who hadn't done so before, brought my divorced parents in to a room peacefully, made people realize not to take healthy pregnancies/children for granted, introduced us to some wonderful families we wouldn't have met otherwise, made us more understanding medical professionals, showed us people's generosity (with unexpected meals and gifts- even from people we haven't talked to in years), a teenage boy who discovered a new side to his faith and then there is us.... we are changed in such big ways. not only has our faith been tested, our marriage been tested, but we have become new people.

we love each other, our family and friends more fiercely than ever. we hold to the fact we are blessed to have the people we have in our lives. so thank you for continuing to read, care and pray for us. i think part of what is hard is that everyone is moving on and this is still our reality and the pain is still fresh. at work i feel like- everything has changed, yet everything has remained the same.

prayer requests-

+ tristen's anxiety and fears

+ tristen's functioning at work (i am forgetful and not quite myself)

+ our next pregnancy (no we aren't trying yet, just fearful/nervous about it)

+ aj can have some time to rest

+ continued peace and healing for our hearts

+ safety for our brother in law/aj's best friend- Kyle on his military training in Lebanon

completely His- Tristen