yearly post

well i couldn't even remember the password... you know its been awhile.

anyway. tomorrow we celebrate Sophia's 6th year. I sometimes struggle with saying birthday, as i feel like i am more celebrating her everything that day. her birth, her death, her first kisses, her last kisses...

anyway. it has been so long, yet i still remember her smell and her tiny tiny little... everything. last night i found myself running my hands over the imprints we have of her feet. just letting myself remember and dream about her cute little feet. wishing i could kiss those toes one more time.

i have been watching call the midwife lately and been thinking about our birth with Sophia. my heart breaks for the women (this show is set in the 1940's/1950's) who lost children after birth and didn't get the blessing we got... pictures. how hard that must have been to not have anything to remember them by. my heart would hurt so bad. i keep replaying something they said the other day- "well you just need to keep living, until you feel alive again". such a true statement when you survive any kind of loss...

lately i keep getting asked- "so are you having any more kids?" to which i promptly answer "no!"... which then is always followed by- "oh so you are stopping at two"... and my heart answers... "actually i am stopping at 3".  my mouth answers- "yep those two keep me pretty busy"... it is my easy way to bypass the fact i have a 3rd that i don't get to raise.  that third that is unspoken was a game changer. i just don't have it in my heart or body to try for more babies- although we love love love babies.

it is crazy to think how much life has changed in these past 6 years. how much we have grown both ourselves and in our marriage. i love our life, but you always feel you are missing a little something when your arms no longer hold your child. my heart aches for just a few more minutes with her. just a few more kisses. but i think every mother wants a little more than we get. just a few more minutes before they are grown.

well my sweet Sophia Rose. we miss you. like lots and lots. tomorrow we will bring a cupcake for you up to your spot in the mountains and we will sing and read to you. we will take time to just be a little sad for a day (thank goodness for time healing) and then we will continue to carry you with us, as we have every day for the last 6 years.