first off... there is the process of trying to get pregnant... so many people don't make it past this part without some kid of effort... i mean there will always be people that get pregnant super duper easy (which is a blessing and yay for them). but i have sooooo many friends that this is not the case. and why is it always the people the would absolutely make such amazing mothers? so many people get stuck at this part. the part where you wait and wait and wait to fill your arms with a sweet baby. where you try and try. plan sex. don't plan sex. eat this. don't eat this. have people tell you- oh well this worked for this friend... or this and that. you try and try and pray and pray and cry and cry. i have never been there but somehow i still relate to those struggling to hold a baby and wait. my heart has been there. yes it was different, but a woman yearning to hold a baby is a woman yearning to hold a baby. you have a mothers heart... no matter what. you cry and hope for that day to come.
next- which is what inspired this post- as i am so exhausted from my heart aching for so many of my friends. i have had far far too many friends in the past months lose their sweet babies. miscarriage just sucks. it sucks real real bad. you find out you are pregnant and at that exact moment of indescribable joy you all ready have ideas and a vision of your future with that baby. you love it all ready so much and can't wait to hold it in your arms. until that moment they tell you it will no longer be. again i haven't been there... yet i have. i remember that moment at 20 weeks when the rug was pulled out beneath us. where they told us that the sweet sweet baby we had been dreaming of a future with- would not have a future. that we wouldn't get to raise this baby. different but the same. you cry... real hard. more hard than anyone can describe. you blame yourself- that you did something wrong that caused this (which makes the experience so much more different than the dad) since you were the one growing that sweet baby. you lose sleep wondering what when wrong and when. wondering why God chose this path for you and what the heck is he thinking? why do I have to be the person for God to use in this way? why do I have to lose my baby when there are all these people in the world that do want theirs? either way, it is a tough tough road where you don't get to meet that baby you had been dreaming of and it is sucks.
then you have those people that have a darling darling baby that has something wrong with it medically. these people life their whole life caring for a child in ways they never planned to when they tried for that bouncing little baby. i see this every day in my job. i can't believe how brave and strong these amazing parent are. sometimes it brings me to tears how awesome they are and how they are such better parents to me. they are so patient and loving (although i know they do not always feel it) but they are. these are the people that make the choice every day to get up and put someone else first in ways most of us can't imagine. this is not what they pictured but they are still so honored to have that child... just the way they are. although we didn't get to raise Sophia, I know it would have been a hard road but one I would take any day... if her dear little body could have withstood it. i can understand why people fight for their kids in that way and how hard those choices are to make.
then beyond all this... if you make it that far. is the joy of raising healthy perfect children. which is no small feat either. it is a tough tough job being a parent. it is self-less, exhausting and hard in all kids of ways. you have to be a tough tough person to withstand it all. you have to be strong in your decisions and face scrutiny for why you do what you do. why do you breastfeed the way you do or give your kid formula? its a hard road only made harder by each other sometimes.
having babies is a tough tough job as you don't know what is ahead. as soon as you make that jump and decide to try for a baby you at Gods will and it is terrifying as hell. but you know why we all do it over and over?
because it is worth it. every single second. every day you get to carry that baby. every day you get to raise it (if you do). no matter where you are at in the process... it is worth doing. because God has placed that on your heart and will see you through it. because we are women and we can support and love each other through it. those of us that want to be mommies don't lose that desire to care for a child no matter what because the rewards are worth the risk. somedays with all the bad i think- man why would i ever want to try that again someday, cut my losses now and enjoy my wonderful boy. there are so many things that can, have and do go wrong... but i won't. we will try again someday. i will put all my fears aside and pray for the strength to try again because it is terrifying to face the reality. (ps- not now... my baby is still a baby :))
hold your heads high ladies. remember how strong you are. remember there is a plan for you. God hears the desires of your heart and wants nothing more for you than to see you basking in the joy of motherhood if that is your heart. i think you are all so brave and strong. i hope that people that are encountering all these situations can find the support and encouragement they need to go through these circumstances with hope and peace.
proud to be a mommy. t.
ps- i don't mean to scare those that are trying or going to try someday. i just want you to know that no matter what happens. you are not alone. others have been there and are surviving it. and i don't want to sugar coat the process and make you think that what you are getting in to doesn't take some major guts and strength.