good friday.... not so good....today my Jesus died for me and in 3 days he rose so that someday i can see my beautiful daughters face again. i have never been that in to Easter, except when I would go home and color eggs and drink margaritas/corona with the Nagel/Brown family. this year takes on a whole new meaning to me. i am tearful today, as it is coming on my first holiday without my little girl. i am kind of a mess and i haven't even gotten to the holiday yet. not only is it a holiday but we are 3 months out from her arrival. she would be smiling and such a little person now. i wish i could have gotten to know her little personality. even for a few minutes. i wish i was putting her in a little Easter dress (although Aaron pointed out that none of them would probably fit, but i would put her in them anyway) and putting out her Easter basket full of things she wouldn't need.
my hope is torn- i feel full of hope, thanks to what He did for us, that I get to see her again. Yet, i'm sad. last year at this time, i was hoping to be a mommy taking care of a baby. i was hoping to fill this ache in my heart. instead i have a bigger one that hurts more than i can say. i also have hope that this will get easier year to year. that i still keep her in my heart but it doesn't feel so heavy. i have hope i have will more children to fill up my quiet home and my empty arms, God willing. not only do i have hope for me, but i have hope for our family. i hope their pain continues to heal, as i know they loved Sophia deeply. i hope this never happens to our family again. most of all i hope my daughter knows how much we love her and miss her. how perfect she was to us in everyway.
please pray for us. our sadness and continued pain. thank you.
may you find joy and peace this holiday, even if i cannot right now.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
so i was rearranging our book shelves to make room for Sophia pictures. had to laugh when i saw these piled together... pregnancy, baby and grief books all together. who has that? we do... and far too many other families that have lost sweet babies. i find myself thinking of other babies who have been lost a lot lately. partly due to interacting with their mommies, but also because i like thinking of them and telling their mommies i have been doing so. i know i love hearing when someone has been thinking of Sophia, or looking at pictures of her. it makes her real and helps me know that she meant something to others. i encourage you to tell anyone who has lost a baby/child when you think of them. shoot- i try to make it a point to tell anyone when i am thinking of them, no matter what. it helps them know that though you may not see them or talk to them often that you think of them. it keeps the string between your hearts strong.
well i am doing well. better this past week. more laughs than tears. which is always a good equation. i was a mess last week until my friends came out to visit. i love being around people that you don't have to say alot, but just being together is comforting. so thank you janet and avita. i needed that visit more than i could ever tell you. just getting to show you my Sophia picture book and scrap book means alot to me. i treasure your friendships.
so this week was pretty good at work- i love being busy and pulled from room to room in the clinic. i feel like a real nurse again and i love it even more when i had a patient call for me, because another patient said "talk to tristen, she is the best and she can help answer your questions". i work with families on the Ketogenic Diet. i am passionate about this diet helping stop seizures for families who have failed multiple medications. so it is nice when they see my passion and call me for all the stuff i have crammed in my brian.
speaking of my brain- week by week it is getting a little better. i am still forgetful and not quite myself. hopefully as more of these pregnancy hormones leave my body i will get a little more better, but grief is what i think causes my "mushy brain" effect i have. i don't know if i will ever be back to me again.... but i am studying to get another certification (Certified Neuroscience Registered Nurse) so i hope my brain will cooperate. it would be embarrassing to not pass- tho i told my work i would study and try to take it this summer but if i'm not ready, ill wait for the fall. i need to be patient with myself. it will be a nice way to pass time and keep me busy.
other than that aaron and i are doing well. he has been so busy with work (2 jobs) volunteering at the fire station and taking fire fighter classes that we haven't seen each other much. i think today is the first time he is going to church with me in over a month. yesterday we did go to a matinee to see a movie together which was nice. i on the other hand have been miss social- went out dancing with friends from work on friday and went out for margarita's on saturday with my other friends. it was so nice to go out and laugh and have fun. i haven't really done that since Sept when Sophia was diagnosed. it feels weird having fun. i feel guilty. when dancing on the dance floor i kept thinking- you shouldn't be out here.... you just lost your baby. but you know what?! i NEED fun. i NEED to feel somewhat normal and that life can go on and i can laugh and have fun. thank good ness for people willing to take me out and make me laugh. thank you to all you girls this weekend. i NEED you in my life.
you know what else i NEED? to go read some of God's word. so off i go. he has big things to tell me as he continues to heal and comfort us. i cling to his word and love, desperate for his peace.
thought i would leave you with this cute little nugget!
-this beautiful little girl's mother
(yes- her shirt says "Little Lady" -found this at Target, it was the only other outfit she wore besides the dress. i wanted her to wear something that was like normal baby clothes. i also had an outfit that said "short and sweet". being new to being the mother of a little person, i am not sure if this is PC but it made me smile when i was pregnant and i knew people would be looking at her knowing she was different, but i wanted people to know we loved her for that and were proud she was smaller than other people. so please don't be offended by this outfit.)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
lately i have felt far from God. not apart, just far. my heart aches. i know that he is right beside me wanting me to fall into his arms. i am fearful, anxious and sad. that is just where i am. today's sermon at church was aimed straight in to my heart and i cried the tears to prove it. (if you want to listen to it click here, and choose the sermon from 4/2/11 when it is available) it was all about the fact that suffering is a gift from God and that God has a plan for the suffering we go through. I have known that God will use Sophia's death for things bigger than I will ever know, it is just hard trying to have hope and praising God for this gift. losing sophia was a gift i didn't want. i am clinging to the promise Jesus has made to me more desperately than ever. i do have hope that my little girl is completely healed and is playing in the streets of heaven with Brandon, Jackson and Pearl. being loved on by her grandparents- Lois, Rosemary and Lawrence.
though all ready I have been told of different ways that God has used her short life for bigger things. he has used her story to: helped a college girl decide to go into Neonatology for a profession, helped give a woman who lost her sweet boy find more closer a few decades later, had people praying to God who hadn't done so before, brought my divorced parents in to a room peacefully, made people realize not to take healthy pregnancies/children for granted, introduced us to some wonderful families we wouldn't have met otherwise, made us more understanding medical professionals, showed us people's generosity (with unexpected meals and gifts- even from people we haven't talked to in years), a teenage boy who discovered a new side to his faith and then there is us.... we are changed in such big ways. not only has our faith been tested, our marriage been tested, but we have become new people.
we love each other, our family and friends more fiercely than ever. we hold to the fact we are blessed to have the people we have in our lives. so thank you for continuing to read, care and pray for us. i think part of what is hard is that everyone is moving on and this is still our reality and the pain is still fresh. at work i feel like- everything has changed, yet everything has remained the same.
+ tristen's anxiety and fears
+ tristen's functioning at work (i am forgetful and not quite myself)
+ our next pregnancy (no we aren't trying yet, just fearful/nervous about it)
+ aj can have some time to rest
+ continued peace and healing for our hearts
+ safety for our brother in law/aj's best friend- Kyle on his military training in Lebanon
completely His- Tristen