Wednesday, December 28, 2011


well we made it through christmas... i don't know why it is easier... well i lie. maybe i do. i have made it thorough every other holiday this year, and they seem to get easier. i would say that over the year they have gotten easier. the other thing is that i am more anxious that I am going into january and the 1 year anniversary. for some reason i am worried more about that.

although i will say- through this holiday i keep thinking about how last year i was pregnant during christmas. i had fluid building up again and was worried when i would need to be drained of the extra amniotic fluid again. now that i look at the date... i actually made it through Christmas but got drained today. i was having a lot of contractions and we couldn't join our family that had invited us to dinner, instead we had a make shift dinner on the couch. we thought about how it was our only Christmas with Sophia with us here on earth. we just wanted to be sad at home.

this year i kind of looked forward to Christmas, as it meant that I could bring out all my Sophia stuff. my ornaments with her footprints... there was even a present for her under the Christmas tree- her own name ornament (everyone on my mom's side of the family has one)... i'll upload it later.  we also took a family picture with the dinkels and incorporated her into the picture by me holding her footprints in it.

so i made it tear free. generally. part of me felt guilty making it through a holiday without crying. ridiculous- because i know that i should be moving that direction. my grief load is getting lighter and easier to carry. it is a familiar part of me now. not something that surprises me how strong it is or how heavy it is. it has become a part that doesn't seem so painful or scary anymore. i know that next month will be hard (i have all ready taken off work to have the day off) i am not sure what we will do... birthday cake? watch her movie? go through her stuff? look at pictures? or go to the mountains and just enjoy each other? we will see... but part of me rejoices that i have a day with no other reason except to celebrate her. i have no excuse not to do anything but dive into my happiness over having her and my sadness that i didn't get to keep her.

as a new year is beginning, i am praying it is a year of joy, of moving forward, of hopefully another baby (or at least a pregnancy), of a fire fighting job for AJ, of blessings beyond our expectations.... i know i have high hopes for this next year.... i have decided i NEED to have it. i need to think that life looks up next year, as this one was the hardest year of my life.  i need to look forward and have hope, as looking backward in grief is not a year filled with life and God's grace. that is my new year's resolution... hope and joy. however that may be. i hope you all have the same goal. i'm sure i will check in with you near 1.26.12- my daughter's first birthday!

lovingly- the dinkels