Sunday, July 15, 2012

july post

i can't believe it is mid-july all ready.... well maybe i can. a lot has happened or not happened, i'll do a mini recap:

aj got deployed on a wild fire for 3 weeks doing his fireman thing- finally got back safe and sound last week. 

my pelvic region is still what i like to call- broken and some days i can't even walk without intense shooting pain. (besides the pain, it just is a bummer i can't really do very much in my last weeks of freedom)

the babysitter we thought we had lined up for after the baby fell through, so we are back to figuring out a game plan for this fall.

my job situation is still up in the air for after the baby- since i can't do my current job part time- and i wanna be a mommy more than work. so we are praying some kind of something comes up in the next few months.

our plans to buy a house aren't really coming through in a timely manner, so we, well i had to run around (while aj was deployed) and find us a short term rental to give us more time. the positive- it gives us time not to feel rushed in to buying a house. the negative- it is a 1 bedroom, so no way to set up a nursery like this nesting mommy would like, and it's a bit above what we had budgeted for with the baby... so we have to re-evaluate a few things. but we move on Sat....

but you know what?! none of this matters.... because we are going to have a baby!!! i don't know if God has just given me peace now or if i know the only thing that is important to me is the sweet baby i am cooking up.

here is me at 35 weeks this weekend: 

i have started having dreams of me actually having a baby- which with both pregnancies is the first time. i guess i couldn't picture myself actually having a baby until lately. the first one i had a baby boy and in my dream i was doing a lot of the day to day stuff a mommy does. but when i went to change his diaper i realized he was missing some toes on one foot and had extra on the other... then noticed he had some other abnormalities. i was shocked and kept thinking (in my dream) that maybe aj and i shouldn't have more babies- that maybe we can't make healthy ones. then my dream moved on and while i was changing him he peed on his own face in only the way a baby boy can do- and i laughed a lot.  it's weird how your worries come about in your dreams. i don't think i am necessarily worried about this baby having things wrong any more, but i guess some part of me may be. i would think that after what we went through with Sophia that i will never be worry free with a pregnancy.

the second dream was last night and mainly i was trying to get the hang of breastfeeding and kept going different places and having to stop and feed my baby. which was cool- as i really really can't wait to do that. i think that with sophia that was the one thing i was hoping i could do with her, like if she lived for only a few hours that i could feel what that is like.  it's the one part of being a mommy that i haven't gotten to experience yet... i mean besides like actually bringing a baby home and getting to care for it.

anyway. it's interesting doing this again, as last time i wasn't afraid of the birth- as i was so excited to meet our little girl and get it over with. and when i say get it over with- i don't mean that in a bad way, but it had been such a long road and i was ready to see what was going to happen. i didn't know enough to be scared about birth.

this time- i am still very close (time wise) to my last birth and it was a really hard birth... 3 hours of active pushing. i'm kind of terrified to give birth to a bigger baby- as that one was pretty rough and she was small, so i can't help but think a bigger baby is going to really suck. maybe because i didn't have that baby to hold and care for afterward, that it is the only thing i can remember. i'm hoping that this one goes quicker and easier and is less painful (all the way around). i pray the joy that comes afterward is like amnesia and wipes away a lot of the memory of birth. ha.

either way- we are getting really really excited. aj likes to talk to the little man (no we haven't agreed on a name yet) and put his head on my stomach so the baby can hit him. it really surprises him how hard he can kick and we talk about how different it was with sophia. she had sweet gentle pushes but not these severe kicks that sometimes scare me. although the pregnancies have been completely different, one thing that won't be different is the completely ridiculous amount of love we have for our children. we love them both so much and although we will show it in different ways, it will be equal and special.

we will keep you updated as we only have like a month from wed left! woo hoo.

-mama t