Saturday, September 24, 2011

1 year ago

1 year ago today we found out the news that not only were we going to have a little girl... but that we were going to probably lose her. our tears and pain on this day were so big and painful. the last year, hands down, has been the hardest of my life.

anyone that has ever found out their baby had anything wrong with them remembers that day and that pain. the day were those dreams that everyone has when they get pregnant of having a healthy little baby are crushed and stolen from you.  they are replaced with a broken heart and a fear that will take a lot more than 9 months to fix.

last year on this day i cried in a way i didn't know i could. i also prayed in a way i didn't know i could. what a year this has been. the next 4 months would be the longest and somehow shortest of my life. i can't believe we are only 4 months away from it being a year all ready.

praying for peace today. praying for the other people in the world that have gotten the worst news of their life this week. praying i never get news like that again. needless to say, God and I are in talks this morning....

(ps- my mom is pretty great.... she knew this week has been a hard one emotionally and sent us some flowers, which was perfect timing. i heart her. i think i will keep her.)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

anniversary of love

i should be going to bed but i'm not. sleep is far from my mind. unfortunately.

this is a week full of many things. today is Aaron and I's 3 year wedding anniversary. 3 wonderful but very tough years. marriage is a wonderful thing, that i highly recommend. it is also the hardest thing i have ever done. YEP! even after the year i have gone through, i would still say marriage is the hardest thing. mostly because when married you make a daily choice to love the other person and choosing to love them beyond anything. i have grown so much.

this anniversary brings me tears and sadness. a year ago today- we were almost 20 weeks pregnant. we spent this day full of excitement about the fact that by the next anniversary we would be 3 in our family. we would have a little baby. we spent the night at dinner giddy and excited for the future. we were going to find out in 4 days what the sex of our little baby was going to be. i was just barely showing and couldn't wait for the world to take notice of my little baby bump.

then.... four days later our world crashed. reality smacked us and the next year would not end of being one of the happiest in our lives. instead it would be the worst, hardest, most painful and somehow a happy one. we would get to meet our daughter. see ourselves and our marriage grow in leaps and bounds. grow closer to God. experience things we didn't know we could live through. i can't begin to say how proud i am of where we have come. yes.... we have done some marriage counseling in the past few months. (something i want to do the rest of our lives every few years, as it is seriously amazing to be reminded how to fight fair and communicate and show the other person you really love them) i am so glad we did it as a precaution to be purposeful about our relationship- so it didn't get lost in all the grief and pain we have been through.  last night while at dinner, we both agreed that we are in the best place our marriage and relationship has ever been. we have come out of this process intact (though i know it isn't over) and not only intact, but flourishing. we are blessed to have each other and God is still at the center of our relationship.

we are also both mourning the fact that we came to the conclusion that Zoe can no longer stay with us. she has become too much to handle in our tiny little town home. not only is she too big for our little space, but she really needs someone home with her and giving her love and attention. we just aren't home enough. it was a sad realization that although we love and adore her- that we aren't the best choice for her. so we have found an adorable family that will be taking her and loving her. so tonight is my last night to play with my scruffy dog.

a week of mixed emotions. but it comes on the end of an amazing weekend. i am so incredibly blessed to have my beautiful friend abby come to visit me. we drank margarita's, crafted (aka did some embossing), hiked, talked, drank more margarita's, hung out, cooked and laughed. in fact we laughed a lot.... which is why i adore being friends with her. she makes me laugh. she also took time to look through all of sophia's stuff with me, cry over it with me and watch my video of her arrival. i am so proud to show off my girl and all of her sweet stuff. it reminds me i am a mommy and she becomes more real to someone else. my favorite part was when i showed her our video of sophia's birth and the time we spent with her- she just kept saying- "look at aaron, he is such a great dad, oh look at him love on her".

she is right. he is an amazing dad and i love watching video of him with sophia. he just rocks her back and forth and gazes at her. THAT is my husband. THAT is the man i am honored to be married to the rest of my life and then some.  i adore him and hope for lots and lots more of anniversaries, especially ones where our arms are full of our cute kids.

-mrs. aaron dinkel

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

dancing my way through life

well it has been a very busy few weeks. we were on vacation with our dinkel side of the family. which was relaxing and fun. we haven't been together as a family like that since we moved from Chicago. it was nice. i got to practice my photography and working my camera.... which i am still not that good with. it takes me a lot more photos for me to finally get the focus and settings that look good. can't wait till i get to do my photography class and really figure out how to use it. until then... my patient niece and sister in law let me shoot at them. i haven't had a nice camera in awhile and forgot how much i love capturing people. i seriously love it.

anyway... once we got back from that we had a few days to wash clothes recover and then leave for my beautiful friend Carey's wedding in St Louis, as well as swing by my home town for some time with my family (my aunt's surprise 50th b-day party-- i won't name the aunt, because my mom's sister would kill me :o) ). aaron and i had so much fun together.... eating, drinking and lots of dancing. i am a lucky lady whose husband loves to dance with me to fast or slow songs- and he is pretty good. i seriously had a great time at the wedding- celebrating a wonderful marriage with some of my favorite people i know. it was exactly what we needed.

even with all that, my heart feels heavy this week. it aches for a family i know that lost their baby 6 months in to a pregnancy. it aches for another mommy that got the same diagnosis as Sophia for her sweet little girl Layla. maybe it is just me, but after what i have been through my heart hurts for others and loss/pain of any kind, in a real way. before i would think... oh how sad and move about my day. now i think.... oooooooh how sad and my heart then aches and aches for them. i let myself feel the burdens and pain of others.  i haven't decided if this is good or bad. maybe it is because i still have a tender heart. my tender heart made me get off of facebook for awhile. i was checking it too often and more importantly- i was hurting watching all these pregnancies pop up, seeing nursery pictures, people taking day to day pics of their cute babies and kiddo's.  it was like i was torturing myself to keep looking daily at the things i want for me but can't have right now. so off i got for an unset amount of time. i all read feel better. no comparing of life stages.

recently i have been brought back to this realization that life is so much bigger and more important that the day to day crap. the who did what to who. the dumb drama. the mean people. the fake people. the silly stuff that you just need to laugh at. i am done with it all. i want to live honestly and be who i am without needing to apologize.  i want to just love people and look past people's issue's.  including mine... we are called to big things and this just gets in the way.

please pray for the people who are hurting right now. pray for yourself and pray for me- that we can live honestly and in the truth. i know i am...

-t. dinks