well we got a little more news on Friday. both good and bad. my mom said when i told her-- "well that is good news right?" and i said "well it is, but its hard to enjoy good news when you are still surrounded by bad. it's like a ray of light or a rainbow in the middle of a horrible storm. it is still beautiful and great to see, but you are still surrounded by the turmoil of the storm trying to destroy you".

so we got an Echo (a specialized ultrasound that helps show the blood flow of the heart) on Sophia on friday (at the hospital i work at- The Children's Hospital), done by the head of the lab (the perks of being an employee). where he gave us some good news- that her heart is structurally good (has all the right right parts) and seems to be doing it's job in terms of getting the blood flow around. it is turned a little, the bottom edge pointing towards the back of her chest instead of the front. this he thinks, is due to her chest being too small. aaron asked a great question- that if her chest grows small does her heart grow small too (in proportion)? but the dr said that since the heart is a muscle and under constanst pressure from the blood, it will continue to grow to a regular size. which is one of the things that puts her life at risk- since baby's lungs are only tissue and they don't develop fully until the end of pregnancy... that gives her heart room to grow but doesn't leave room in her tiny chest for her lungs to grow.

i was disheartened at this visit... i think i was secretely hoping that our first ultrasound was just a fluke and/or that God had all ready performed a miracle and grew her chest. but no such thing has happened yet. i think my problem is going to be continuing to pray, but not getting my hopes up too much. i don't want to be disappointed with each visit, expecting something miraculous to happen. when full knowing that God does choose not to heal people, not because he can't or because we don't pray hard enough. though i can't wait to ask some day why he chooses not to.

this thursday we have my 24 week ultrasound. i can't believe i am 6 months all ready. so we will get the official reading of how much she has grown. my tummy is getting bigger.... so i have to think she has at least a little. she continues to flip and move each day, which gives me comfort that she is happy and isn't at all distressed at this point. i ordered a book this week that our friend Gayle recommended- of a woman that knew her baby wouldn't live long after birth, but carried her full term, that tried to use their pregnancy as a time to intergrate her into their family the best of their abilities. i cannot wait to get this in the mail and read it- to read about someone (particularly someone who shares my faith) who has felt the same pain and yet enjoyed their pregnancy. i decided this week i will probably get some maternity pictures taken as a way to really embrace the pregnancy and capture it forever in a beautiful way. i hope this book also gives me ideas on how else i can enjoy Sophia while still in me.

thanks for every bit of encouragement you supply. love- t