still here

well we are still here. it is amazing how your heart can feel so completely broken and the ache is so real you feel actual pain, but you are still alive. you still awake each day and the sun still shines on you. day by day we are surviving this. there are bad days and better days. the bad have out numbered the good so far, but i know that will change someday.

SOMEDAY- such a foreign concept right now. someday... we won't hurt so bad, we will not miss her so much, we will laugh and have fun again, we will have more children, we will see her again.... but for now i find my self crying and thinking- damn this hurts so bad. i want my baby back. NOW! i don't want to be a good example of faith or need all these people praying for me. i don't want to have to keep a picture of my baby out at all times because i need to look at it all the time to feel near to my baby. i don't want to need people to bring us meals because my pain immobilizes me. i don't want to keep the door to the nursery closed because it hurts too much to look in. i don't want to feel gas in my stomach and do a double take thinking it is the baby kicking, only to realize i'm not pregnant any more. i don't want to put ice packs on my chest or drink tons of this special tea to try and help keep me from the pain of my milk (that i am not using to feed my baby) coming in. but i do....

today is a bad day obviously. i have to write as i can't talk long enough without tears taking over. today i was set off by how sweet my loving husband has been. he has held me when i needed to be held, left me alone when i just needed to weep, opened the blinds when i wanted to sit in darkness, fetched me ice packs, kissed me so sincerely, talked of his daughter so lovingly, told me how much he loves me a million times. he would have been the best father to raise Sophia- telling her no matter what her differences were that she was beautiful and the most amazing little girl. he is still the best father to her and loves her more than she could handle. and he is the most amazing husband to me and i wouldn't want to go through this with anyone but him. he is the love of my life and my partner forever.

i want to thank everyone for the meals they are dropping off... they are a huge help when i don't want to get off the couch to do anything. so thank you, please consider this your thank you card.

a fellow mother to a baby that has gone to heaven recommended this site--> http://mollypiper.com/2008/03/how-to-help-your-grieving-friend/ and i can't stop reading it, as it all is so close to my thoughts and pain. the link above is how to support someone in grief. but if you go to read the links about Felicity on the right, it is so good to read. she is very articulate of the pain that goes along with losing a child. i'm comforted by reading about other mothers and the process it is to recover and live after a loss like this.

just wanted to let you know i/we have gotten and read all your messages, emails, texts and listened to your voicemails. thank you for your thoughts prayers and love. we may not always respond but appreciate knowing you care.

-tristen