flowers and Zoe

so this past weekend nana and papa were in town visiting. since none of our family was here when we sprinkled Sophia's remains we coveted the chance to take them up to that mountain. it was the first time we have been up there since we were up there in February. i didn't know what feelings i would feel- but i just felt peace. i feel closer to her at home looking through pictures on my computer or watching the video of her birthday than up on the mountain/cemetery. nana came up with the great idea to sprinkle flower seeds up there as a sweet little marker of the spot. so daddy dug up the ground in that area and we all took turns sprinkling some seeds. i also took some seeds home and we are going

to plant some outside our house too. so we can watch them grow here

above is what we planted...

i don't know if i have mentioned this before, but we sprinkled her remains at Mount Lindo Cemetery (Olinger Chapel Hill Cemetery). it is on the top of a mountain just outside Denver. they have two sides- one facing into the mountains (where her remains are scattered) and then the other side faces Denver. the cross above is on the side of the mountain facing Denver. part of why we sprinkled her there is because you can see this cross that lights up at night that is at Mount Lindo from anywhere on the western side of Denver. we liked that when you look up there you can see the exact location. neat right?

of course after last week when i declared that i couldn't take the doggie search anymore because we wouldn't ever find a doodle mix and i was tired of crying over it. i looked on a whim before leaving work on wed. to my delight i found this cute little girl looking back at me. they thinks she is either a labradoodle or a Bouvier poodle mix, that is around 1 years old. we instantly fell in love with her along with loving that i didn't break out in hives. she is gentle and sweet. she was a stray and has obviously been someone's dog as she will go on run's with me and run right by my side. she is potty trained all ready and doesn't bark. AJ got her toys which she carry's around the house playing with. we are having so much fun with her. AJ just keeps saying how much he loves her and that i picked out a good doggie. her name is Zoe.

yep i put a bow in her hair! she was not a fan.

with her nemo toy.

i showed her a picture and told her about Sophia. i also told her that she cannot eat or destroy anything that is Sophia's or she will be in big trouble. she doesn't look she could do anything like that right ;o)

today i had a surprising sad moment-they sure like to sneak up on you. AJ was leaving for work and was telling Zoe bye, asking for a kiss and told her he loved her. i had a flash to what he would have been like with our daughter when he would leave for work. he would have been such a good daddy on earth to our daughter. he would have missed her and wanted pics through out his day of her. having Zoe has been nice- but it gives a painful reminder of how much joy Sophia would have brought to our daily lives. how there is a hole in our day to day moments where she is not here. that ache is still so fresh and painfully real. i knew getting a doggie wasn't replacing that pain. but it is a nice distraction. something to look forward to coming home to. someone to keep me company on the long hours that AJ works. she is a joyful presence in our home and adores all our affection.

this week marked 4 months since Sophia's birth/death. i wonder if this is kind of what people feel when you have another child after the loss of one. where you want to enjoy something new to love on, but you hold strongly to your child you lost. not wanting that child to be forgotten or over looked because they are not here to demand that attention. i am sure some day i will go through that and see what it is like. for now i find myself looking at more pictures of her for a sweet reminder of who came first and who holds such a big part of our hearts. and just for that you get another cute pic of our girl....

- tristen, aj, sophia and zoe

pray for William

hey everyone. i have been hooked up through one of my old co-workers to get to know another family going through the same thing we went through (her brother and sister-in-law)- carrying a baby that will not live long after birth. His name is William and you can read their story here:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/williamhoeman

William is going to be born with Trisomy 18 which is not compatible with life. I have been able to talk with his mommy Kate and give her encouragement, tips- things i wish i had done and things i am glad we did. I am so glad that we can pass on our experience with another family in hopes that they have a better experience. (although ours was pretty good) (i do plan on sometime writing a blog on how to support families and what i think is great ways to memorialize a pregnancy in this situation)

my heart is aching for them and what is ahead for them. such hard unimaginable pain. more tears than you think a person can cry.

please join me in prayer for them in the coming weeks.

- that he stays in until his due date (6/4/11) so he can meet all his other family that is going to visit him and so they can have the most amount of time here on earth with him.

- for peace as the times comes.

- for joy to enjoy every second with him and every little part of him.

- for Kate and Kurt- their hearts, their tears, their fears, their pain.

- for Kate- the pain of a mommy is something strong and feirce. her road ahead of her is long.

- their marriage during this trial.

- guidance as they make decisions

- that God works in this. however that may be. a healing would be great :o)

thank you for taking time to care about another little baby. I hope he doesn't have to join Sophia- but if he does- i know she will take his hand and play with him.

-tristen

mother's day

mother's day = hanging plants. yep! my husband got me one!! isn't it bright and pretty?! just my kind of flower. not only did he get me that but he treated me to dinner, got me roses and got me a ruby necklace (sophia's birth stone color). he did good. i am so lucky to have him. i also was blessed to be able to last minute be able to spend time with my mom, sisters and friends. blessed that i was feeling a better after a bought with sickness. my sisters, mom and i went to the spa for some relaxation. spent my short time with them in the sun relaxing and sitting on the patio drinking wine. a perfect way to spend my first mother's day.

i made it with less tears than expected. i cried on my drive from the air port. (far too much time to think and sad that i wasn't bringing my daughter home to where i grew up or introducing her to my friends to coo over how cute she is) i cried about my friends baby shower. (sad i didn't get to have my own baby shower). i cried the night before mother's day. (sad i wasn't able to spend the day with my husband- who was working- and with my daughter as a family) mother's day- i didn't cry. oddly enough. i was prepared for it but it didn't come. this was just like Easter. i was more anxious and sad before the actual holiday. weird.

i got some great cuddles from this guy down here- my nephew Bryer who was attached to my side. he is such a sweet boy, full of love for my sweet little girl. he is the best. he and my niece listened to the "Sophia" song we played for Sophia before she came and danced around. my niece said "are you going to have another baby some day?" i said yes. she said "okay". hops down and walks off like it is no big deal. i wish it was that easy.

i have forgotten to mention this. but we are still patiently awaiting our genetic results. Sophia's info was suppose to be sent out the week after she was born, but it accidentally didn't go through the email (Dr A thought maybe the file was too big). so when i called to check on it after a few weeks they realized the mistake and re-sent the info to The Skeletal Dysplasia Center in LA. We got confirmation a few weeks ago that they got every thing and would review it. so now we are just waiting. if it the diagnosis we originally got- we will not have to get genetic testing on us (because it is something you have to have to pass on, and you can't live to pass it on). if it is something else- we will talk with some genetic counselors at my work to figure out where to go. it may take awhile to figure out that route. so we are praying that Sophia does indeed have what they diagnosed her with before. part of me just wants to trust God with his plan for us and our future children. but part of me also needs to make an educated decision. i could not go through this again. i would be so broken losing another child.

other than all this. i am doing well. i am going through what i hope is just a phase. a phase of grief i believe is missing from the stages- JEALOUSY. i am jealous of others that get to have babies and keep them. actually pretty much any one that is pregnant, has a baby or recently had a baby. i probably should take a break from facebook. looking at all these happy parents posting pics of their cute babies or nursery's is hard. i find myself angry or jealous. i can't determine which one. it is like i am a glutton for punishment looking at them over and over. even our bible study has been hard to attend, as EVERY couple there has a baby or is expecting one. last week looking around at everyone holding their cute little babies or growing them- my arms felt very very empty. i love our friends with all my heart and am so happy for them all, but i am glad for our summer break. i am glad to have time to get past this phase. until it comes around again...

i also want to ask for prayer requests- jobs are potentially opening up for AJ and I ask that people be praying for God to bless him with a firefighting job. he is so passionate about the dept he volunteers for and we would be so blessed for him to get on there. not only would he have the chance to do something he loves- but he could provide for our family someday while i work less to take care of our children.

thank you for continuing to care and pray for us.

lovingly- tristen