i am filled with so many mixed emotions. it has been weird preparing for a girl again. but a good weird. i couldn't bring myself to use the bedding we had gotten when we set up a crib when I was pregnant with Sophia. so the room is a completely different room than the one we set up for her. which is good… it reminds me that we have a healthy baby girl that should get to come home with us. i did have a few outfits that we had bought for Sophia (mostly newborn- since they were the closest size we could guess that would fit her) that her little sister is now going to get to wear. that part i am really excited about.
AJ and i were talking the other day, that is still feels surreal that we will actually have a baby girl. we have prayed and hoped for a girl… well since before Sophia. helping with our niece Kami had set our hearts on a girl since we got married (6 years ago). so i think we are both just so over joyed that we have gotten the chance to do this again. all the pink is filling our house and hearts with so much love. now if that love can just continue to over power the fears and anxiety that we have- that something will happen and we still won't get to bring home our baby girl. all i can do is pray for peace.
speaking of praying… my heart has been filled with so much heaviness lately. as i have been walking alongside a friend who lost their baby half way through pregnancy due to a genetic abnormality and the pain that comes alongside giving birth and having to say goodbye so fast… it has reminded me of all the pain we went through- and how much that road just sucks. then yesterday i went to a String of Pearls Tea for fellow mommy's who have lost babies, i just feel overwhelmed with grief as we all shared our stories of loss. a group united in pain.
our topic in church lately has been Believing. last week was about trust and this week was believing God will provide. i find my mind wandering when they talk and have these great people up to tell their stories of when they trusted in God and how he took care of them. i guess with all these events lately, all I can think about is these stories of when God doesn't answer your prayers. when us and all these other families learn that their babies have some fatal condition, and you and others pray so hard that he will heal or perform a miracle… and then he doesn't. this is something i have found peace in, and then at other times struggle with. it is easy for others to say to just believe, or read this book- it explains why God doesn't answer all prayers. but until you have walked those roads and felt so betrayed by this thing called prayer… you don't know how hard it is to believe.
i was so overwhelmed with emotion today, i couldn't even sing the songs. my mind kept saying- where were you during those times? why did we have to be those moms that didn't get to talk of a miracle healing? why didn't you meet our needs? where were you at the birth? and then the song Whom Shall I Fear come up and when i saw the verse-"The God of angel armies is always by my side" I had this sudden vision that they were there beside me, weeping with us when our sweet daughter was born and died. God and these angels were crying, not only for our pain, but joy at what a miraculous baby she was and all the people who were changed because of her. my plan for her wasn't the one He had for her. he saw her as a miracle baby.
our story wasn't one of miracles that people tell… but our story was of faith. faith that God would carry us through and that he would use Sophia's life to teach us and others. and man oh man did she do that. i am not who i was 4 years ago. i have wounds that run deep, but those wounds allow me to care for others walking the same walk in a way that others can't understand. those wounds make me who i am. he did carry us through and continues to heal the pain from that time. i didn't expect that 4 years out, i would still continue to learn from Sophia's birth… but i do. my faith grows and i expect that holding this baby girl I am growing will be such an emotional day for us both. as we grieve and feel so full of joy at the same time. there will be tears of joy and tears of missing our first little girl. it will be just fine with me to cry for both at the same time.
i know that even though i am not guaranteed a baby just because i have made it this far… i am choosing to believe that God will protect her and keep her safe… well after she is in our arms, being covered in kisses. i choose not to be afraid. i choose joy and to believe that these prayers will be answered. these needs will be met.
next time i write i will be the mommy of 3 children. what a blessing and miracle.