pray for William

hey everyone. i have been hooked up through one of my old co-workers to get to know another family going through the same thing we went through (her brother and sister-in-law)- carrying a baby that will not live long after birth. His name is William and you can read their story here:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/williamhoeman

William is going to be born with Trisomy 18 which is not compatible with life. I have been able to talk with his mommy Kate and give her encouragement, tips- things i wish i had done and things i am glad we did. I am so glad that we can pass on our experience with another family in hopes that they have a better experience. (although ours was pretty good) (i do plan on sometime writing a blog on how to support families and what i think is great ways to memorialize a pregnancy in this situation)

my heart is aching for them and what is ahead for them. such hard unimaginable pain. more tears than you think a person can cry.

please join me in prayer for them in the coming weeks.

- that he stays in until his due date (6/4/11) so he can meet all his other family that is going to visit him and so they can have the most amount of time here on earth with him.

- for peace as the times comes.

- for joy to enjoy every second with him and every little part of him.

- for Kate and Kurt- their hearts, their tears, their fears, their pain.

- for Kate- the pain of a mommy is something strong and feirce. her road ahead of her is long.

- their marriage during this trial.

- guidance as they make decisions

- that God works in this. however that may be. a healing would be great :o)

thank you for taking time to care about another little baby. I hope he doesn't have to join Sophia- but if he does- i know she will take his hand and play with him.

-tristen

mother's day

mother's day = hanging plants. yep! my husband got me one!! isn't it bright and pretty?! just my kind of flower. not only did he get me that but he treated me to dinner, got me roses and got me a ruby necklace (sophia's birth stone color). he did good. i am so lucky to have him. i also was blessed to be able to last minute be able to spend time with my mom, sisters and friends. blessed that i was feeling a better after a bought with sickness. my sisters, mom and i went to the spa for some relaxation. spent my short time with them in the sun relaxing and sitting on the patio drinking wine. a perfect way to spend my first mother's day.

i made it with less tears than expected. i cried on my drive from the air port. (far too much time to think and sad that i wasn't bringing my daughter home to where i grew up or introducing her to my friends to coo over how cute she is) i cried about my friends baby shower. (sad i didn't get to have my own baby shower). i cried the night before mother's day. (sad i wasn't able to spend the day with my husband- who was working- and with my daughter as a family) mother's day- i didn't cry. oddly enough. i was prepared for it but it didn't come. this was just like Easter. i was more anxious and sad before the actual holiday. weird.

i got some great cuddles from this guy down here- my nephew Bryer who was attached to my side. he is such a sweet boy, full of love for my sweet little girl. he is the best. he and my niece listened to the "Sophia" song we played for Sophia before she came and danced around. my niece said "are you going to have another baby some day?" i said yes. she said "okay". hops down and walks off like it is no big deal. i wish it was that easy.

i have forgotten to mention this. but we are still patiently awaiting our genetic results. Sophia's info was suppose to be sent out the week after she was born, but it accidentally didn't go through the email (Dr A thought maybe the file was too big). so when i called to check on it after a few weeks they realized the mistake and re-sent the info to The Skeletal Dysplasia Center in LA. We got confirmation a few weeks ago that they got every thing and would review it. so now we are just waiting. if it the diagnosis we originally got- we will not have to get genetic testing on us (because it is something you have to have to pass on, and you can't live to pass it on). if it is something else- we will talk with some genetic counselors at my work to figure out where to go. it may take awhile to figure out that route. so we are praying that Sophia does indeed have what they diagnosed her with before. part of me just wants to trust God with his plan for us and our future children. but part of me also needs to make an educated decision. i could not go through this again. i would be so broken losing another child.

other than all this. i am doing well. i am going through what i hope is just a phase. a phase of grief i believe is missing from the stages- JEALOUSY. i am jealous of others that get to have babies and keep them. actually pretty much any one that is pregnant, has a baby or recently had a baby. i probably should take a break from facebook. looking at all these happy parents posting pics of their cute babies or nursery's is hard. i find myself angry or jealous. i can't determine which one. it is like i am a glutton for punishment looking at them over and over. even our bible study has been hard to attend, as EVERY couple there has a baby or is expecting one. last week looking around at everyone holding their cute little babies or growing them- my arms felt very very empty. i love our friends with all my heart and am so happy for them all, but i am glad for our summer break. i am glad to have time to get past this phase. until it comes around again...

i also want to ask for prayer requests- jobs are potentially opening up for AJ and I ask that people be praying for God to bless him with a firefighting job. he is so passionate about the dept he volunteers for and we would be so blessed for him to get on there. not only would he have the chance to do something he loves- but he could provide for our family someday while i work less to take care of our children.

thank you for continuing to care and pray for us.

lovingly- tristen

Good Friday

good friday.... not so good....today my Jesus died for me and in 3 days he rose so that someday i can see my beautiful daughters face again. i have never been that in to Easter, except when I would go home and color eggs and drink margaritas/corona with the Nagel/Brown family. this year takes on a whole new meaning to me. i am tearful today, as it is coming on my first holiday without my little girl. i am kind of a mess and i haven't even gotten to the holiday yet. not only is it a holiday but we are 3 months out from her arrival. she would be smiling and such a little person now. i wish i could have gotten to know her little personality. even for a few minutes. i wish i was putting her in a little Easter dress (although Aaron pointed out that none of them would probably fit, but i would put her in them anyway) and putting out her Easter basket full of things she wouldn't need.

my hope is torn- i feel full of hope, thanks to what He did for us, that I get to see her again. Yet, i'm sad. last year at this time, i was hoping to be a mommy taking care of a baby. i was hoping to fill this ache in my heart. instead i have a bigger one that hurts more than i can say. i also have hope that this will get easier year to year. that i still keep her in my heart but it doesn't feel so heavy. i have hope i have will more children to fill up my quiet home and my empty arms, God willing. not only do i have hope for me, but i have hope for our family. i hope their pain continues to heal, as i know they loved Sophia deeply. i hope this never happens to our family again. most of all i hope my daughter knows how much we love her and miss her. how perfect she was to us in everyway.

please pray for us. our sadness and continued pain. thank you.

may you find joy and peace this holiday, even if i cannot right now.
-t

books and brains

so i was rearranging our book shelves to make room for Sophia pictures. had to laugh when i saw these piled together... pregnancy, baby and grief books all together. who has that? we do... and far too many other families that have lost sweet babies. i find myself thinking of other babies who have been lost a lot lately. partly due to interacting with their mommies, but also because i like thinking of them and telling their mommies i have been doing so. i know i love hearing when someone has been thinking of Sophia, or looking at pictures of her. it makes her real and helps me know that she meant something to others. i encourage you to tell anyone who has lost a baby/child when you think of them. shoot- i try to make it a point to tell anyone when i am thinking of them, no matter what. it helps them know that though you may not see them or talk to them often that you think of them. it keeps the string between your hearts strong.

well i am doing well. better this past week. more laughs than tears. which is always a good equation. i was a mess last week until my friends came out to visit. i love being around people that you don't have to say alot, but just being together is comforting. so thank you janet and avita. i needed that visit more than i could ever tell you. just getting to show you my Sophia picture book and scrap book means alot to me. i treasure your friendships.

so this week was pretty good at work- i love being busy and pulled from room to room in the clinic. i feel like a real nurse again and i love it even more when i had a patient call for me, because another patient said "talk to tristen, she is the best and she can help answer your questions". i work with families on the Ketogenic Diet. i am passionate about this diet helping stop seizures for families who have failed multiple medications. so it is nice when they see my passion and call me for all the stuff i have crammed in my brian.

speaking of my brain- week by week it is getting a little better. i am still forgetful and not quite myself. hopefully as more of these pregnancy hormones leave my body i will get a little more better, but grief is what i think causes my "mushy brain" effect i have. i don't know if i will ever be back to me again.... but i am studying to get another certification (Certified Neuroscience Registered Nurse) so i hope my brain will cooperate. it would be embarrassing to not pass- tho i told my work i would study and try to take it this summer but if i'm not ready, ill wait for the fall. i need to be patient with myself. it will be a nice way to pass time and keep me busy.

other than that aaron and i are doing well. he has been so busy with work (2 jobs) volunteering at the fire station and taking fire fighter classes that we haven't seen each other much. i think today is the first time he is going to church with me in over a month. yesterday we did go to a matinee to see a movie together which was nice. i on the other hand have been miss social- went out dancing with friends from work on friday and went out for margarita's on saturday with my other friends. it was so nice to go out and laugh and have fun. i haven't really done that since Sept when Sophia was diagnosed. it feels weird having fun. i feel guilty. when dancing on the dance floor i kept thinking- you shouldn't be out here.... you just lost your baby. but you know what?! i NEED fun. i NEED to feel somewhat normal and that life can go on and i can laugh and have fun. thank good ness for people willing to take me out and make me laugh. thank you to all you girls this weekend. i NEED you in my life.

you know what else i NEED? to go read some of God's word. so off i go. he has big things to tell me as he continues to heal and comfort us. i cling to his word and love, desperate for his peace.

thought i would leave you with this cute little nugget!

-this beautiful little girl's mother

(yes- her shirt says "Little Lady" -found this at Target, it was the only other outfit she wore besides the dress. i wanted her to wear something that was like normal baby clothes. i also had an outfit that said "short and sweet". being new to being the mother of a little person, i am not sure if this is PC but it made me smile when i was pregnant and i knew people would be looking at her knowing she was different, but i wanted people to know we loved her for that and were proud she was smaller than other people. so please don't be offended by this outfit.)

painful gift

lately i have felt far from God. not apart, just far. my heart aches. i know that he is right beside me wanting me to fall into his arms. i am fearful, anxious and sad. that is just where i am. today's sermon at church was aimed straight in to my heart and i cried the tears to prove it. (if you want to listen to it click here, and choose the sermon from 4/2/11 when it is available) it was all about the fact that suffering is a gift from God and that God has a plan for the suffering we go through. I have known that God will use Sophia's death for things bigger than I will ever know, it is just hard trying to have hope and praising God for this gift. losing sophia was a gift i didn't want. i am clinging to the promise Jesus has made to me more desperately than ever. i do have hope that my little girl is completely healed and is playing in the streets of heaven with Brandon, Jackson and Pearl. being loved on by her grandparents- Lois, Rosemary and Lawrence.

though all ready I have been told of different ways that God has used her short life for bigger things. he has used her story to: helped a college girl decide to go into Neonatology for a profession, helped give a woman who lost her sweet boy find more closer a few decades later, had people praying to God who hadn't done so before, brought my divorced parents in to a room peacefully, made people realize not to take healthy pregnancies/children for granted, introduced us to some wonderful families we wouldn't have met otherwise, made us more understanding medical professionals, showed us people's generosity (with unexpected meals and gifts- even from people we haven't talked to in years), a teenage boy who discovered a new side to his faith and then there is us.... we are changed in such big ways. not only has our faith been tested, our marriage been tested, but we have become new people.

we love each other, our family and friends more fiercely than ever. we hold to the fact we are blessed to have the people we have in our lives. so thank you for continuing to read, care and pray for us. i think part of what is hard is that everyone is moving on and this is still our reality and the pain is still fresh. at work i feel like- everything has changed, yet everything has remained the same.

prayer requests-

+ tristen's anxiety and fears

+ tristen's functioning at work (i am forgetful and not quite myself)

+ our next pregnancy (no we aren't trying yet, just fearful/nervous about it)

+ aj can have some time to rest

+ continued peace and healing for our hearts

+ safety for our brother in law/aj's best friend- Kyle on his military training in Lebanon

completely His- Tristen

yucky week

well let me review my week with you.... i worked 5 days in a row then went to a conference for work for another 4 days after that. on my way home from the conference i learned that our deep freeze had stopped working and aj had to throw away a lot of the food in there (i absolutely hate hate hate wasting food). then on my 1 day off before going back to work, we tried to adopt a dog- i got hives (ill talk more about this in a second), i did our taxes and we have to pay money for the first time ever, and now one of my best friend's calls me and tells me she has been told the plane they think her fiance was on got shot down when flying home from his deployment. this week = crap

i made the mistake this week thinking i was doing better emotionally than i am. at my conference for work- i tried going to a session titled "Supporting families with withdrawing care", thinking i could use our experience to help other families, as unfortunately we have to advise families we care for to do that when the child is not going to get better. thinking- well i have been there and had to make that decision for our child. well 10 min in to that presentation i had to leave, as tears were pouring out of me. as they presented a slide on how families feel- and every word has described how it felt, i figured- well im not done going through this and i don't think i will be ready for awhile to help others. it was a nice thought... but i can't do that in my nursing yet. work and home need to be separate for my emotional sake.

so our attempts the past few weeks to get a dog have been unsuccessful for a number of reasons. first- we couldn't get anyone we called to give us a call back. so we decided to just start animal shelter hopping to look at dogs. then we would find one we liked and people wouldn't let us adopt it "if they didnt think we were a good fit". then we finally found 3 dogs that we liked, but i am allergic. i keep breaking out in good sized hives when we spend time with a dog. we even tried changing shelters to see if was just something on the dog. all of the dogs were Boxers or boxer mixes. So we could try and change breeds. as much as i want a dog, i hate to keep "trying dogs out" and getting hives over and over. the weirdest part is that i have never been allergic to dogs in my life. i even just dog sat for a friend when i was pregnant for 1 week in our own house and didn't have any problems. i called my ob's office and asked if they have heard of people getting new allergies post pregnancy and they said no. but when i google it, i find alot of other people having this problem.

for some people, learning you are allergic to a pet might be no big deal. but for me- this brought alot of tears and frustration. i want to love on something. i can't have my baby so i thought i could at least get a dog and love on it. not only am i sad but i feel very betrayed by my body. i know it is unreasonable, but i feel angry my body isn't doing what i expect it to lately. it doesn't make a healthy baby, it gets hives. even more than just me being sad, i am upset i am taking this from aj. he wants a dog pretty badly too. we were not only hoping for something to love on, but something to throw ourselves in to training and keep us busy for awhile. our next option is to think about getting some kind of doodle (labradoodle or goldendoodle or such... i vote for a sheepadoodle). but these dogs are pricy and cost between $800 and 1500. which i don't know if we are ready/able to make that kind of investment. we will see.

my heart and brain hurt. i am done with this week.

i dont know if this is normal for other mom's who have lost babies or not, but i keep having baby dreams. dreams i have a baby, i have adopted a baby, my baby has died or i am pregnant with a baby. last night was a pregnancy one- where i was pregnant again, but i was showing way too early and worried that i had extra amniotic fluid again. weird i know. these dreams basically are horrible in all different ways. the ones i have a baby- i wake up and realize i still don't have my darling baby. the ones i don't have a baby- i wake up and realize i still don't have my baby and can't even get away from that fact while i sleep. the ones i am pregnant- i wake up and realize i am not pregnant and won't be for awhile. no wonder i am still having sleep problems. yikes.

Sophia would be 8 weeks old now. i would know her likes and dislikes. i would have spent countless sleepless hours with her. what i have been missing this week is the touch. i wish i could just touch her hair again- it was seriously so thick and soft. i have yet to see a baby since who has a better head of hair. i hope one of our other children have hair like her. or her soft soft skin. i had a patient this week that had beautiful red hair, i complemented on how beautiful it was and the parent said- "you can take it and the attitude that comes with it". i had to walk away before i said - " i would take it a million times over to have my red head back and any amount of attitude that comes with it". speaking of red....

i don't know if i mentioned it, but my co-workers/dept collected money after Sophia died and got a wagon in her name. patients use these to get around in our hospital. above is a picture of the plaque on the wagon. i love seeing Sophia's name- it validates her existence to me and makes me feel like she was here. the last time i saw her name on a plaque was at the funeral home... i prefer to see it here instead. i am so lucky they thought of honoring her this way. love it.

i went to add this picture from vacation as a little pick me up. thinking aww i love my husband, but unfortunately i am having a tough week, so my first thought is that we are missing someone in this picture. along with every picture we take for the rest of our lives. yet if you look hard enough you can see her etched in our hearts forever more.

t, a & s

5.5 weeks

i hadn't realized i haven't posted in awhile. it is amazing that time can still fly during this kind of time of your life.

well-we went to spread Sophia's ashes. i must note- nobody tells you that ashes are not really ashes. i don't know why people call them that. they are cremated remains... and that is exactly what they look like. kind of. they are more pebble like versus ashes. interesting. anyway. the place we sprinkled her is a cemetery on the side of a mountain out here. at night they have a lit up cross there, which you can see from anywhere on the west side of denver. they have a "scattering garden" which i expected to be an actual garden in the summer, but is only a rock garden (not even with pretty rocks, but gravel looking rocks). needless to say- we were rebels and scattered her on the side of the mountain instead. there were a few tears but some laughs- as scattering remains is kind of weird. especially when it is windy. i felt bad not feeling more emotional about it, but when you know your loved one is with God and the body is not who she is, then you just don't feel as attached. i prefer to think of her as i last saw her and not what i was scattering.

our trip to Cancun was relaxing. it was good. not great. though any other time in my life i am sure i would have said it was wonderful trip. the trip did start off with us magically getting upgraded to First Class for our first flight! thank you God for that little treat! we laid on the beach, we drank and ate, then we laid out by the pool, drank and ate some more. the only thing we did was ventured out to a cigar bar and Margaritaville, and i swam with the dolphins at our resort. in between there were some laughs and some tears. it felt weird having fun, i definitely struggled with feeling guilty with having fun, feeling like i shouldn't be when we have been through what we have. the other hard part was seeing families there together. i kept thinking- gosh i won't ever get to take her on a family vacation. i won't ever get to see her cute little naked butt in the sand or put her in a cute little girlie swimsuit. if i could do the trip over again, i would definitely do a trip to a place with no kids. babies don't bother me as much, since i have seen Sophia as a baby. it is the little toddlers that get me, as i didn't get to see her at that age. it would have been nice to just not see them all around.

the trip was great to make us slow down and just kind of face our emotions and feelings. we had gotten so busy before we left, and this was a nice slow down. especially since we were there for the 1 month mark since we met Sophia. i watched the video of Sophia's birth and the time around that for the first time since it all happened. there was some crying- that mostly being due to the fact i was able to step away from the birthing experience and see how hard it all was on our loved ones. hearing and seeing them cry was incredibly hard. my heart breaks at how sad they were. i spent so much of that time as a patient and strapped to the bed that i wasn't able to pay attention to anything else. my head was wrapped up in what was going on down bellow on me and my baby girl. the video allowed me to see things i couldn't be there for- like the doctors working on her as soon as she came out and her getting her first bath. so many of my memories of those hours is through pictures due to being out of my mind with just giving birth. so the video gives life to the memories/pictures. it gives me more time with Sophia. it shows me being a mommy and reminds me that i was. and a great one at that. it shows us holding her and moving her around. it just gave me so many more memories- what a blessing.

I have been doing a devotional for parents grieving the loss of their baby called- Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. it has been very therapeutic and helpful. it gives me something specific to journal on each day, along with scripture to read. i have been journaling alot, along with reading Job, which has been nice and probably why i haven't blogged. i used to journal a lot before i got pregnant, but had stopped. but i didn't want to be pouring out every feeling on here, i want to share what it is like going through this, but it would be hard for me to write what i think almost every day, which is- I want my baby back. i don't say that with tears anymore, but i still feel it down to my core. and i know that would be hard to read over and over from an outside view.

getting back from our trip, my best friend Evangeline came to visit, which was also therapeutic. a girl needs her best friend in times like this. it has been healing to just talk and talk and talk. laugh, cry, go shopping and drink a glass of wine or two. show pictures of Sophia and talk about her birth. talk about the pregnancy, talk about marriage. god bless best friends. they help heal your heart. there is beauty in friendships like that. they don't come easy and they don't come often.

i start work on tuesday. i am ready as i will ever be to go back. the hardest thing is knowing that i am going back to be full time again for another year or more. that was one thing i hadn't mentally prepared myself that part of this situation. i was really looking forward to being a mommy and staying home to love on a baby, while only working part time. even though i knew it was a big chance i might not be bringing a baby home, i didn't think about the work side of this all. work has been so very supportive through all of this and i couldn't have asked for anything better. i am so blessed to work in the department i work in, with the wonderful people i work with. they are seriously great. i just need to realign my expectations for awhile. if you have to go back to any job, i am lucky it is this one. i have a much more compassionate view for families that i work with ( i work as an RN in Pediatric Neurology, at an outpatient clinic at The Children's Hospital) with them being scared of something bad happening to their children. As i know the fear well, the pain that comes with the worst thing happening. I hope that my compassion comes through my nursing. i also have much more compassion for having a child with special needs. although i didn't get to experience that on a full scale, i did gain a bigger understanding and patience for those families. that is one thing i know i will be walking out of this experience with- a bigger heart for disabled children than i all ready had. especially those with skeletal dysplasia.

-our prayer requests-

- pray for tristen and her re-entry into work, that it goes well and she doesn't feel overwhelmed

- pray for our healing hearts and pain

- pray that we get Sophia's final diagnosis back quickly so we can start the genetic testing before try getting pregnant again.

- pray for aaron that he gets hired with a fire department.

thank you for still praying for us and caring for us. we are forever in debt to you. please make sure to let me know when or how i can be praying for you. i find it easier to pray for you than me.

lovingly- tristen