ranges of emotions

what a range of emotions the past few days have been. i am going to write honestly about them here. because that is what i should and need to do. grief isn't pretty or nice and doesn't make sense. grief for anything or anyone. it is painful real and continuous. i don't want people to think it doesn't still burden you 4 months later. that it still doesn't rule my life. that i can still function normally. i am a new person. one that cries a lot and easily. that gets my feelings hurt easily. that my heart is tender. that other stresses make me break down a lot easier right now. i won't always be like this but i am for now. i will be a changed person after all this is said and done. i don't know who i'll be but i'll figure it out. i will still be Sophia's mommy. that i do know.

in the wake of literally 4 people i personally know having babies all yesterday, i am a complete mess. i am feeling so many feelings. happiness, anger, jealousy, sadness... i don't even know where to begin. so instead i have just cried. pretty consistently since getting off work yesterday through today.

i am happy...

that William came in this world alive.

that the other 3 babies i know came in the world safely and their mommies are okay.

that someday i may have that chance again.

that I have my God to rely on.

that I have the security of knowing that the babies and people i know that have died are with God.

well that is it for happy. i am mainly sad angry and jealous. stop here if you want to leave happy and feeling good.

i am sad...

that William only got to be here 11 hours before going to heaven.

that babies die.

that my sister in law's husband isn't coming home from deployment on time.

that i had to be honest with a friend about something and she is angry at me about it.

that co sleeping has killed 3 kids that my friend has had to comfort them in the ER.

that those parents are probably blaming themselves. i actually HATE that.

that babies die and that scares others that are pregnant or getting pregnant.

that my daughter isn't here in my arms.

i am jealous...

that all these people i know get to have babies and bring them home.

that they got 11 hours with William to hear his sounds, feed him and see him move.

that i didn't really get to have baby showers or fully decorate a nursery.

that they get to buy baby clothes and feel excited.

that they get to move forward with their lives with watching their kid grow up.

that people get to take vacations or family pictures and not think someone is missing.

i am angry...

that God has other plans than the one's i have.

that some prayers are answered and some are not.

that i have very empty arms and sometimes that ache is so real i think it may kill me from heart ache.

that i only have pictures and a video when i want to be close to my baby. i can't just cuddle her.

that darn squirrels and birds ate my seeds i planted so my Sophia flowers aren't going to grow here.

that i have to be a lesson to others to not take a pregnancy or baby for granted.

that babies/children die. (or for that fact- anyone that dies)

that we still don't have a diagnosis and i feel like a hassle to keep asking for it.

that i am jealous of others when all i want to be is happy for them.

in all this i am glad that God loves me no matter how i feel. that he is just there wanting what is best for me and does have a plan for me. that i can yell out in anger and all he does is hug me. sometimes it is so obvious the child and parent relationship we have with our God. he is MY FATHER. even when i am mad and feel so jacked up in my emotions.

well i congratulate you if you made it here. i know that wasn't pretty. thank you for loving me in my ugly time. (and if you are reading this and just had a baby or are pregnant and are my friend.... know that i adore you and love you and your baby more than anything. i may not always show it or be as supportive as i could be. just know i do. and please be patient with me.)

-t.d.