trying to be patient

For some reason, since we have had something so horrible happen to us, I had in the back of my mind that God would bless us big at a later time. He would take care of us and honestly- maybe I thought he would give us every little thing our heart desires. Silly I know, but I don't think I was willing to admit this to myself until just recently. But that isn't true. He loves me and wants great things for me. they may just not be what we want for ourselves. he may give me the things my heart desires just not when I ask for them.

(side note: I was capitalizing half way- because it drives my husband crazy when i don't do it.... but i can't write as quickly and honestly if i stop and think about it. i tend to write from my heart better without capitalizing anything. it just flows... so sorry if it bother's you too!)

anyway- I have been holding off writing this post for a few months since work reads this, but this is my place and they know my general plans. this is my therapy and my honest feelings. i need to talk about this. i need to know people are praying for me. i need to be truthful. 

i loved being pregnant. absolutely loved it. i don't know if it is because that is all i really had, or if I really am just one of those people. because i had a rough pregnancy- i was ginormous multiple times before having fluid taken off, i stretched so quickly i thought i might actually rip open, i have the stretch marks to prove it, it was emotionally horrible and birthing my sweet baby took 3 hours of active pushing since she was face up (these are besides all the normal pregnancy stuff like peeing a million times a night, swelling in my feet and nausea and such). i also- developed hypothyroidism and an allergy to dogs post-pregnancy. you would think with all of that i would not want to rush into another one. although we have joked that other pregnancies will be a cake walk compared to that one. but i love it- looking down at my beautiful rounded tummy, feeling the baby move, dreaming about life as a mommy, buying baby stuff, having everyone smile at you as you walk by, having my husband come put his hand on my tummy and feeling his child move, the hand rest you have with your belly, having an excuse to not try to lose weight, a reason to have to buy new clothes, picking out names, baby showers, making a nursery.... i know i didn't get to do all this stuff the first time around, but i want to.

i know everyone has been patiently waiting for me to hint we are pregnant.... heck i have been asked 3 times at work by people thinking i had a bump.... nope i am just not sucking in when you looked, thanks for making me have a complex. my stomach muscles aren't what they used to be... note that i was huge 3 times in 1 pregnancy. but we aren't. we have been trying since early June, but due to my hypothyroid we have had to take months off so i wouldn't have a miscarriage from my TSH being too high or causing birth defects. it has been very very hard to keep waiting. as January is quickly approaching and we are nearing the one year anniversary of my daughter's arrival- i am starting to struggle with God's timing. actually we both are. Aaron wants to be a daddy as bad as i want to be a mommy... if it is humanly possible to want it more than i do. our hearts are aching, as are our arms.  we want another baby. we would love the blessing to be parents to a baby here on earth. we don't understand why everything has to keep us from that. why life is sitting on hold when we want it to move forward. why other people get to be pregnant around us. i am struggling with my jealousy/angry cycle again, along with rejoicing for their blessings. it is a odd feeling to be both equally.

the hard part is that we got pregnant so quickly with Sophia, that I fear we won't be able to get pregnant again. due to my thyroid problems that the window to get pregnant only comes every 2 months right now so the waiting period is longer than normal and we haven't been able to try. i'm finding myself frustrated that it seems nothing can be "easy" for us right now. we can't just have a baby, or Aaron can't just get a job as a firefighter. we are just waiting.... waiting on God's plan. and it is hard. i know that anyone that deals with infertility or just can't get pregnant, fights with this waiting game much longer than I have. i am new to it, and not a fan. i am honored to know some amazing women who do it, and do it well. i am learning from them and i know that their battle is harder than mine and i admire them for that. my heart aches for theirs. i know some people waiting for their baby from Ethiopia and their waiting game. it is amazing how God uses different heart aches to bring our hearts and pain together. even though i only know a small amount of what it is like to wait.... i am not doing the waiting game well right now. so if you would have some time to shoot up a prayer for me/us, we would appreciate it. we need patience and peace. but we could also use a prayer or two- for us to indeed be blessed with a pregnancy and healthy baby. the wait is a hard road. i am getting a little beat up and discouraged but willing to stay on this path for a while. then we will see if we have to take a different path.

thanks for letting me talk about my fears and pain. i know this isn't a hopeful post. but that is where i am today, it was better last week and I'll be more hopeful again on another day. wish i was too busy with dressing up my cute little peanut in a costume instead of trying to keep myself busy on another holiday where my hubby is working....

-tristen