well we made it through christmas... i don't know why it is easier... well i lie. maybe i do. i have made it thorough every other holiday this year, and they seem to get easier. i would say that over the year they have gotten easier. the other thing is that i am more anxious that I am going into january and the 1 year anniversary. for some reason i am worried more about that.
although i will say- through this holiday i keep thinking about how last year i was pregnant during christmas. i had fluid building up again and was worried when i would need to be drained of the extra amniotic fluid again. now that i look at the date... i actually made it through Christmas but got drained today. i was having a lot of contractions and we couldn't join our family that had invited us to dinner, instead we had a make shift dinner on the couch. we thought about how it was our only Christmas with Sophia with us here on earth. we just wanted to be sad at home.
this year i kind of looked forward to Christmas, as it meant that I could bring out all my Sophia stuff. my ornaments with her footprints... there was even a present for her under the Christmas tree- her own name ornament (everyone on my mom's side of the family has one)... i'll upload it later. we also took a family picture with the dinkels and incorporated her into the picture by me holding her footprints in it.
so i made it tear free. generally. part of me felt guilty making it through a holiday without crying. ridiculous- because i know that i should be moving that direction. my grief load is getting lighter and easier to carry. it is a familiar part of me now. not something that surprises me how strong it is or how heavy it is. it has become a part that doesn't seem so painful or scary anymore. i know that next month will be hard (i have all ready taken off work to have the day off) i am not sure what we will do... birthday cake? watch her movie? go through her stuff? look at pictures? or go to the mountains and just enjoy each other? we will see... but part of me rejoices that i have a day with no other reason except to celebrate her. i have no excuse not to do anything but dive into my happiness over having her and my sadness that i didn't get to keep her.
as a new year is beginning, i am praying it is a year of joy, of moving forward, of hopefully another baby (or at least a pregnancy), of a fire fighting job for AJ, of blessings beyond our expectations.... i know i have high hopes for this next year.... i have decided i NEED to have it. i need to think that life looks up next year, as this one was the hardest year of my life. i need to look forward and have hope, as looking backward in grief is not a year filled with life and God's grace. that is my new year's resolution... hope and joy. however that may be. i hope you all have the same goal. i'm sure i will check in with you near 1.26.12- my daughter's first birthday!
lovingly- the dinkels
Hi Tristen! I hope 2012 is happy and healthy for both you and AJ! I am praying for you guys to get pregnant real soon! A precious baby for 2012 would be so wonderful!
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed to grieve for Sophia! She will always be a part of you! If you want to cry then cry. If you want to celebrate her 1st birthday then celebrate it! You do whatever you want to do. It is your life and your sweet daughter. Whatever you choose to do just know I will be commenting and supporting along the way! Xoxo
Happy holidays to you and AJ!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you were able to find some excitement and joy this Christmas - that is so important. But don't feel guilty that you didn't cry as much. You are moving forward and your grief is allowing you to celebrate her in new and special ways. For her birthday, do whatever you want to in order to make it special. She will be there that day helping you through it.
As someone who has experienced incredible loss, the one thing I have learned over time is that your grief never really will go away. It will stay in the background and show up when you least expect it. But it is a way of remembering how special that person was to you. One of the other things I have learned is that celebrating your lost loved one - however you see fit - is the best way to move forward with your grief and turn it in to something positive. My thoughts are with you in these next few weeks and I am sending hugs your way!
thanks for sharing Tristen. I always take Jackson's birthday off from work. I like having a special day to celebrate him. We've done cake, balloons, time with friends, time alone or just with Rebecca, look at pictures, watch a video of his memorial service. All are great ways to remember and honor your child. We'll be thinking and praying for you in the month ahead.
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ReplyDeletePraying your new year is full of joy, my friend. Hugs from Florida.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you made it through christmas =) and could enjoy all of Sophia's "things." It will be a tough month -- let me know if i can do anything. I have learned that the anxiety and build up to the actual day can sometimes be worse than the actual day, so hang in there!
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