how are you?

okay so i am on a blogging kick. so bear with me.

i want to approach the subject of asking "how are you?". i listen to 93.3 here in Denver and they do some funny little blurbs between songs sometimes. one of them being- "when asked- how are you? the appropriate answer is fine. no one wants to hear anything beyond that." AJ and i just talked about this the other day...

how true is that? as a society we have become used to that phrase as a way to make small talk. no one really wants to hear how you actually are. no one actually wants to know that you are having a tough time in your marriage, or your kids are struggling at school or that you have cried yourself to sleep last night for whatever reason. they expect to ask- hear a general response and move about their day.

i no longer do this. as I know that multiple times since Sophia's birth- people would go to ask this and get more than they bargained for. i had someone ask on the first week I was back to work and I was on the verge of tears and broke down crying when i was asked. this was approached in the book i am reading right now- Bittersweet by Shauna Niegquist: "When you're mourning, when something terrible has happened, it's on your mind and right at the top of your heart all the time... When you're in that place, it's a gift to be asked how you're doing, and most of the time the answer comes tumbling out, like water over a broken dam, because someone finally asked, finally offered to carry what feels like an unbearable load with you."

i challenge anyone reading this to actually only use this phrase when you REALLY do want to know how someone is doing (shoot- just try it for one week). don't just say it in passing, but take that time to ask how someone is doing. know that your answer might be -fine or good...it has become a learned response by people. that no one really wants to know how you are truly doing but feels like they should ask. so if that is what they say- push for more. go deeper with people. actually care about the person and how they are doing.

i think back on all the times that if someone had just asked how i was really doing (when i was going through something tough and feeling alone) how that would have changed my day and maybe even my life course. what about that time when i was a young teenager in an abusive relationship? how about when i was depressed and flunking nursing school? or when i was newly married and struggling with the growing pains of marriage? i can say that a lot of my friends i am close with, are relationships that were strengthened or created because they came along side me during these times in my life and asked- how are you? how can i walk along side you? how can i help carry your cross?

how many relationships would be created or strengthened with this 3 word question? how many people could you change or impact their life in a big way by just caring? God calls us to love people and help carry each other's crosses in this way. this simple question can help you go deeper if you CHOOSE to. just know that if you go there, not only do you need to expect an answer that isn't always pretty. just make sure to really listen. and not only listen also follow up with that person. pray for that person. they opened their heart to you and that is hard to do. not only is that hard but that is sacred. God is in that sacred time and space. find him. meet him. dwell in it.

getting off my soap box.... t