christmas

well we made it through christmas... i don't know why it is easier... well i lie. maybe i do. i have made it thorough every other holiday this year, and they seem to get easier. i would say that over the year they have gotten easier. the other thing is that i am more anxious that I am going into january and the 1 year anniversary. for some reason i am worried more about that.

although i will say- through this holiday i keep thinking about how last year i was pregnant during christmas. i had fluid building up again and was worried when i would need to be drained of the extra amniotic fluid again. now that i look at the date... i actually made it through Christmas but got drained today. i was having a lot of contractions and we couldn't join our family that had invited us to dinner, instead we had a make shift dinner on the couch. we thought about how it was our only Christmas with Sophia with us here on earth. we just wanted to be sad at home.

this year i kind of looked forward to Christmas, as it meant that I could bring out all my Sophia stuff. my ornaments with her footprints... there was even a present for her under the Christmas tree- her own name ornament (everyone on my mom's side of the family has one)... i'll upload it later.  we also took a family picture with the dinkels and incorporated her into the picture by me holding her footprints in it.

so i made it tear free. generally. part of me felt guilty making it through a holiday without crying. ridiculous- because i know that i should be moving that direction. my grief load is getting lighter and easier to carry. it is a familiar part of me now. not something that surprises me how strong it is or how heavy it is. it has become a part that doesn't seem so painful or scary anymore. i know that next month will be hard (i have all ready taken off work to have the day off) i am not sure what we will do... birthday cake? watch her movie? go through her stuff? look at pictures? or go to the mountains and just enjoy each other? we will see... but part of me rejoices that i have a day with no other reason except to celebrate her. i have no excuse not to do anything but dive into my happiness over having her and my sadness that i didn't get to keep her.

as a new year is beginning, i am praying it is a year of joy, of moving forward, of hopefully another baby (or at least a pregnancy), of a fire fighting job for AJ, of blessings beyond our expectations.... i know i have high hopes for this next year.... i have decided i NEED to have it. i need to think that life looks up next year, as this one was the hardest year of my life.  i need to look forward and have hope, as looking backward in grief is not a year filled with life and God's grace. that is my new year's resolution... hope and joy. however that may be. i hope you all have the same goal. i'm sure i will check in with you near 1.26.12- my daughter's first birthday!

lovingly- the dinkels

on the night you were born

so today papa jeff and i went to visit where sophia is sprinkled or scattered or whatever you call it. i can count on one hand the number of times i have been up there, as we are not one of those families that really goes and visits the spot very often. why i don't know, i just don't feel the need to that often. if i miss my girl, i tend to look through pictures, watch her birth video or pull out my box of her things. but today we went up there and he read her a book since he can't play with her. (she has the sweetest grandparents!)

the book he read was one that my mom and i had bought the weekend before i was going to give birth. we had decided it would be good to bring some books to read to her, since we wouldn't ever get to do that. well in the short time we had with her in the hospital, we never did it. but, i have those books on my "sophia shelf" where i have her picture books and such. so when he needed a book i knew the perfect one. the one that i can barely get a few pages in to without tearing up. but is seriously so perfect. it is called- On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman. (below is a pick of him reading to sophia)

                                       

it goes....

On the night you were born, 

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you 

and the night wind whispered, 

"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you....

ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain

that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

It sailed through the farmland

high on the breeze...

over the ocean...

and through the trees...

Until everyone heard it

and everyone knew

of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes,

such a nose,

such silly,wiggly, wonderful toes.

When the polar bears heard, they danced until dawn.

From faraway places, the geese flew home.

The moon stayed up until morning the next day.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are

and wonder who loves you, how much and how far,

listen for geese honking high in the sky.

(They're singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.

(It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.

(Listen closely...it's whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day,

or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,

or a little bird sits at your window awhile,

it's because they're all hoping to see you smile...

For never before in story or rhyme

(not even once upon a time)

has the world ever know a you, my friend,

and it never will, not ever again...

Heaven blew every trumpet 

and played every horn

on the wonderful, marvelous

night you were born.

the best part is the note in the beginning that says:

For you are fearfully and wonderfully made... 

Psalms 139

isn't it so true?! even my daughter was made with such perfection, with all her imperfections. it warms my heart and reminds me how thankful i am to have known the only Sophia Rose Dinkel that was ever made, just as she was.

happy thanksgiving friends!

trying to be patient

For some reason, since we have had something so horrible happen to us, I had in the back of my mind that God would bless us big at a later time. He would take care of us and honestly- maybe I thought he would give us every little thing our heart desires. Silly I know, but I don't think I was willing to admit this to myself until just recently. But that isn't true. He loves me and wants great things for me. they may just not be what we want for ourselves. he may give me the things my heart desires just not when I ask for them.

(side note: I was capitalizing half way- because it drives my husband crazy when i don't do it.... but i can't write as quickly and honestly if i stop and think about it. i tend to write from my heart better without capitalizing anything. it just flows... so sorry if it bother's you too!)

anyway- I have been holding off writing this post for a few months since work reads this, but this is my place and they know my general plans. this is my therapy and my honest feelings. i need to talk about this. i need to know people are praying for me. i need to be truthful. 

i loved being pregnant. absolutely loved it. i don't know if it is because that is all i really had, or if I really am just one of those people. because i had a rough pregnancy- i was ginormous multiple times before having fluid taken off, i stretched so quickly i thought i might actually rip open, i have the stretch marks to prove it, it was emotionally horrible and birthing my sweet baby took 3 hours of active pushing since she was face up (these are besides all the normal pregnancy stuff like peeing a million times a night, swelling in my feet and nausea and such). i also- developed hypothyroidism and an allergy to dogs post-pregnancy. you would think with all of that i would not want to rush into another one. although we have joked that other pregnancies will be a cake walk compared to that one. but i love it- looking down at my beautiful rounded tummy, feeling the baby move, dreaming about life as a mommy, buying baby stuff, having everyone smile at you as you walk by, having my husband come put his hand on my tummy and feeling his child move, the hand rest you have with your belly, having an excuse to not try to lose weight, a reason to have to buy new clothes, picking out names, baby showers, making a nursery.... i know i didn't get to do all this stuff the first time around, but i want to.

i know everyone has been patiently waiting for me to hint we are pregnant.... heck i have been asked 3 times at work by people thinking i had a bump.... nope i am just not sucking in when you looked, thanks for making me have a complex. my stomach muscles aren't what they used to be... note that i was huge 3 times in 1 pregnancy. but we aren't. we have been trying since early June, but due to my hypothyroid we have had to take months off so i wouldn't have a miscarriage from my TSH being too high or causing birth defects. it has been very very hard to keep waiting. as January is quickly approaching and we are nearing the one year anniversary of my daughter's arrival- i am starting to struggle with God's timing. actually we both are. Aaron wants to be a daddy as bad as i want to be a mommy... if it is humanly possible to want it more than i do. our hearts are aching, as are our arms.  we want another baby. we would love the blessing to be parents to a baby here on earth. we don't understand why everything has to keep us from that. why life is sitting on hold when we want it to move forward. why other people get to be pregnant around us. i am struggling with my jealousy/angry cycle again, along with rejoicing for their blessings. it is a odd feeling to be both equally.

the hard part is that we got pregnant so quickly with Sophia, that I fear we won't be able to get pregnant again. due to my thyroid problems that the window to get pregnant only comes every 2 months right now so the waiting period is longer than normal and we haven't been able to try. i'm finding myself frustrated that it seems nothing can be "easy" for us right now. we can't just have a baby, or Aaron can't just get a job as a firefighter. we are just waiting.... waiting on God's plan. and it is hard. i know that anyone that deals with infertility or just can't get pregnant, fights with this waiting game much longer than I have. i am new to it, and not a fan. i am honored to know some amazing women who do it, and do it well. i am learning from them and i know that their battle is harder than mine and i admire them for that. my heart aches for theirs. i know some people waiting for their baby from Ethiopia and their waiting game. it is amazing how God uses different heart aches to bring our hearts and pain together. even though i only know a small amount of what it is like to wait.... i am not doing the waiting game well right now. so if you would have some time to shoot up a prayer for me/us, we would appreciate it. we need patience and peace. but we could also use a prayer or two- for us to indeed be blessed with a pregnancy and healthy baby. the wait is a hard road. i am getting a little beat up and discouraged but willing to stay on this path for a while. then we will see if we have to take a different path.

thanks for letting me talk about my fears and pain. i know this isn't a hopeful post. but that is where i am today, it was better last week and I'll be more hopeful again on another day. wish i was too busy with dressing up my cute little peanut in a costume instead of trying to keep myself busy on another holiday where my hubby is working....

-tristen

oh fall!

my fall so far in pictures...

the positives-

i have gotten to play alot with my crafts.... (and organize them)

i got to see this girl....

i have felt like this.... very peaceful and at ease with where i am...

i have gotten to drink some of these....

i got to paint this...

with these great girls...

a very thoughtful girl made this for us... 

i have been able to drink some pumpkin spice latte's...

we had a small snow all ready.... (excuse my picture through the window)

we have had some great times with our family out here (excuse my husband's silly face)...

we have been able to spend some great time together and are in the best 

place we have ever been in our relationship....

papa jeff was able to move out here.....

more crafting + wine = happiness...

i have gotten to see this girl (who i miss alot)....

i can't wait to meet this girl in a few weeks....

and i got to see this girl (their mommy) whom i adore...

the negatives-

sometimes i feel a little like this... dried out and broken

i have felt as tired and exhausted as this...

we had to say goodbye and give away this sweet girl...

i miss this girl still and forever... i especially miss seeing AJ hold her...

i'm not good at math, but it looks like my positives are starting to out way the negatives. my heart definitely feels that way. we are hoping that this continues and that life continues to be on the up-swing.  with my thyroid getting back in line, i definitely feel more and more like myself. we are taking this fall to enjoy each other and our life just as it is. even if there is no up-swing or life continues to have it's challenges... i am working on being intentional about being thankful and content with life and what i have. i don't want to be constantly saying a quick thanks for the blessings i have and constantly saying- well what about this or that? i want to dwell in my thankfulness and have peace that God really does love me and want what is best for me. that he has a plan for me and what he wants for me is good.

Oh! how he loves me- tristen

1 year ago

1 year ago today we found out the news that not only were we going to have a little girl... but that we were going to probably lose her. our tears and pain on this day were so big and painful. the last year, hands down, has been the hardest of my life.

anyone that has ever found out their baby had anything wrong with them remembers that day and that pain. the day were those dreams that everyone has when they get pregnant of having a healthy little baby are crushed and stolen from you.  they are replaced with a broken heart and a fear that will take a lot more than 9 months to fix.

last year on this day i cried in a way i didn't know i could. i also prayed in a way i didn't know i could. what a year this has been. the next 4 months would be the longest and somehow shortest of my life. i can't believe we are only 4 months away from it being a year all ready.

praying for peace today. praying for the other people in the world that have gotten the worst news of their life this week. praying i never get news like that again. needless to say, God and I are in talks this morning....

(ps- my mom is pretty great.... she knew this week has been a hard one emotionally and sent us some flowers, which was perfect timing. i heart her. i think i will keep her.)

anniversary of love

i should be going to bed but i'm not. sleep is far from my mind. unfortunately.

this is a week full of many things. today is Aaron and I's 3 year wedding anniversary. 3 wonderful but very tough years. marriage is a wonderful thing, that i highly recommend. it is also the hardest thing i have ever done. YEP! even after the year i have gone through, i would still say marriage is the hardest thing. mostly because when married you make a daily choice to love the other person and choosing to love them beyond anything. i have grown so much.

this anniversary brings me tears and sadness. a year ago today- we were almost 20 weeks pregnant. we spent this day full of excitement about the fact that by the next anniversary we would be 3 in our family. we would have a little baby. we spent the night at dinner giddy and excited for the future. we were going to find out in 4 days what the sex of our little baby was going to be. i was just barely showing and couldn't wait for the world to take notice of my little baby bump.

then.... four days later our world crashed. reality smacked us and the next year would not end of being one of the happiest in our lives. instead it would be the worst, hardest, most painful and somehow a happy one. we would get to meet our daughter. see ourselves and our marriage grow in leaps and bounds. grow closer to God. experience things we didn't know we could live through. i can't begin to say how proud i am of where we have come. yes.... we have done some marriage counseling in the past few months. (something i want to do the rest of our lives every few years, as it is seriously amazing to be reminded how to fight fair and communicate and show the other person you really love them) i am so glad we did it as a precaution to be purposeful about our relationship- so it didn't get lost in all the grief and pain we have been through.  last night while at dinner, we both agreed that we are in the best place our marriage and relationship has ever been. we have come out of this process intact (though i know it isn't over) and not only intact, but flourishing. we are blessed to have each other and God is still at the center of our relationship.

we are also both mourning the fact that we came to the conclusion that Zoe can no longer stay with us. she has become too much to handle in our tiny little town home. not only is she too big for our little space, but she really needs someone home with her and giving her love and attention. we just aren't home enough. it was a sad realization that although we love and adore her- that we aren't the best choice for her. so we have found an adorable family that will be taking her and loving her. so tonight is my last night to play with my scruffy dog.

a week of mixed emotions. but it comes on the end of an amazing weekend. i am so incredibly blessed to have my beautiful friend abby come to visit me. we drank margarita's, crafted (aka did some embossing), hiked, talked, drank more margarita's, hung out, cooked and laughed. in fact we laughed a lot.... which is why i adore being friends with her. she makes me laugh. she also took time to look through all of sophia's stuff with me, cry over it with me and watch my video of her arrival. i am so proud to show off my girl and all of her sweet stuff. it reminds me i am a mommy and she becomes more real to someone else. my favorite part was when i showed her our video of sophia's birth and the time we spent with her- she just kept saying- "look at aaron, he is such a great dad, oh look at him love on her".

she is right. he is an amazing dad and i love watching video of him with sophia. he just rocks her back and forth and gazes at her. THAT is my husband. THAT is the man i am honored to be married to the rest of my life and then some.  i adore him and hope for lots and lots more of anniversaries, especially ones where our arms are full of our cute kids.

-mrs. aaron dinkel

dancing my way through life

well it has been a very busy few weeks. we were on vacation with our dinkel side of the family. which was relaxing and fun. we haven't been together as a family like that since we moved from Chicago. it was nice. i got to practice my photography and working my camera.... which i am still not that good with. it takes me a lot more photos for me to finally get the focus and settings that look good. can't wait till i get to do my photography class and really figure out how to use it. until then... my patient niece and sister in law let me shoot at them. i haven't had a nice camera in awhile and forgot how much i love capturing people. i seriously love it.

anyway... once we got back from that we had a few days to wash clothes recover and then leave for my beautiful friend Carey's wedding in St Louis, as well as swing by my home town for some time with my family (my aunt's surprise 50th b-day party-- i won't name the aunt, because my mom's sister would kill me :o) ). aaron and i had so much fun together.... eating, drinking and lots of dancing. i am a lucky lady whose husband loves to dance with me to fast or slow songs- and he is pretty good. i seriously had a great time at the wedding- celebrating a wonderful marriage with some of my favorite people i know. it was exactly what we needed.

even with all that, my heart feels heavy this week. it aches for a family i know that lost their baby 6 months in to a pregnancy. it aches for another mommy that got the same diagnosis as Sophia for her sweet little girl Layla. maybe it is just me, but after what i have been through my heart hurts for others and loss/pain of any kind, in a real way. before i would think... oh how sad and move about my day. now i think.... oooooooh how sad and my heart then aches and aches for them. i let myself feel the burdens and pain of others.  i haven't decided if this is good or bad. maybe it is because i still have a tender heart. my tender heart made me get off of facebook for awhile. i was checking it too often and more importantly- i was hurting watching all these pregnancies pop up, seeing nursery pictures, people taking day to day pics of their cute babies and kiddo's.  it was like i was torturing myself to keep looking daily at the things i want for me but can't have right now. so off i got for an unset amount of time. i all read feel better. no comparing of life stages.

recently i have been brought back to this realization that life is so much bigger and more important that the day to day crap. the who did what to who. the dumb drama. the mean people. the fake people. the silly stuff that you just need to laugh at. i am done with it all. i want to live honestly and be who i am without needing to apologize.  i want to just love people and look past people's issue's.  including mine... we are called to big things and this just gets in the way.

please pray for the people who are hurting right now. pray for yourself and pray for me- that we can live honestly and in the truth. i know i am...

-t. dinks